Separated, how much should I provide?

ampersand

No, dear Jack: 'at the same time angry with myself for feeling that way as I should be ‘counting my blessings’.'
You don't have to do that at all.
Old lady hugs applied.
#
Right now, I need you to find my car keys.
#
I have read and re-read every word of that sad post.

Right & - think hard:
OK. Let's say that if all of us who support you here, care about you, think about you away from this Thread do the same with this post, we share and dilute its effect.
Jack, if you shook your head ever so slightly, half-rictus smiled in a hopeless feeling way, 'That blutty woman, wish she'd stop ...I know she means well'......Well, some connection was made, if not a magic wand waved.:)

I'm here. Others will be.
#
As for 'Nobody would be interested in someone with my mind set right now, talk about baggage and inability to trust someone'.....

You'll have the decency to blush. please:j, when we all turn up at that party for you both:D.
#
Jack, my low is election-inflicted - a 5 year sentence and OAP as sole income. That's my different situ and I have my bouts of all that was lost with R's suicide.
Shall I add a glug of the little brown bird to your coffee?[as late and blvd R did before my starred French viva?]
#
[Keep looking for my keys please]
#######
If there's any way to rescind that offer, I'd be doing so.

The nonsense of parachuted Judge, hence incomplete overview and prep. reading, were ingredents to the pressure you felt, leading to you increasing the terms of your offer to close matters - and still that didn't happen.
So, match abandoned.
New rules, level playing field - on health grounds now, yours, not hers.

JackRS

nonnatus wrote: »

Wow, Jack,

I've lurked on your thread for many months now and follow largely because it's so heart-warming to see the level of support you get from your friends here. I never feel like I can add anything to the lovely, sensible advice you're regularly offered and I know VERY little about legal stuff.

I am compelled to finally write today because your post was so very honest and sad. Remember that you are allowed to be a bit sad and you're certainly allowed to grieve - no one should have to put up with what you've had to cope with...

But try to remember also that you wouldn't have made so many friends here (and no doubt in real life as well) if it wasn't so obvious what a decent, honourable, lovely, funny man you are.

Now is NOT the time to find another partner maybe, but when time has passed and all this is water under that proverbial bridge, there will be plenty of equally decent, lovely and funny women only too willing to share your life (even if that life is lived in a hovel eating Own Brand baked beans!!)

Pick a point in your future and aim for it with positivity. This "stuff" that you dignify on a daily basis will soon be history.

You're terrific

wow to you too, that is so nice of you to take the time to write such supportive words thank you.

Louk

Hi Jack,
I have been following this thread for a while but not commented as I know little about the legal process' you are going through, but reading your post this morning has made me want to write the following.

I recognise the way you are feeling right now because I too feel the same. I too have recently divorced, mine was a lot more simple (although not a breeze) as there were no assets, we share one child but my ex makes such little money I just found it easier to not pursue cm etc. He was/is a gambler and I first uncovered the true extent of his habit 5 years ago, shortly after the birth of our son. I have been very good at dealing with the practicalities, firstly in trying to save the marriage and getting help, then in planning my departure from it. I've set up a new home and a business that fits around my Son and been through bankruptcy as a result of his habit. But in order to do this I've had to shut away the emotions and the result of that is exactly as you describe. Little interest in doing things, trust issues etc. My family have been fantastic in their practical support but emotionally I am stranded. For me one of the things that makes me feel so down is the lack of human touch. I have no one to hug me, to put their hand on me and to look me in the eye.

I can't advise you on how to get past it, I've recently started counselling to try and find a way to deal with it, but I just wanted to say, I know and you are not alone in how you feel.

Look after yourself x

kelpie35

Oh Jack it has made me so sad to read your honest post.

Here is a virtual ((((((((((((( hug )))))))))))))))

It just shows how much strength, honesty and dignity you have. You would not be human if you did not have these feelings especially after how much you have been put through and still going through.

The only advice I can offer is, that you take one day at a time (I know that is easier said than done).

I have faith to believe that you will come out of this. I know it is hard to see at the moment, but please hang in there.

You come across as a very private person, who likes to cope with what life throws at them, but now is the time to lean on people who you can trust. I am sure you have helped them in the past.

Another idea might be (might be well off the mark here) have your tried to be open and honest with your daughter, letting her know just how sad and unhappy you feel. It might bring you closer and she could give you the support you desperately need. Please ignore this paragraph if it will upset you.

Please, please Jack take care of yourself.

Toxicity

I really wouldn't worry about the future, not when it comes to relationships - if you are anything at all like the way you come across on this thread then I think any lady would be lucky to have you. I can also say that thankfully there are many, many women in this world that are nothing at all like your ex.

I don't know how someone could go through all of this without feeling sad, angry or bitter. There is no shame in feeling anything you are currently feeling but it WILL end and you WILL be free to move on and rebuild your life and I have no doubt that you will succeed in doing so. You have shown so much strength and decency throughout all this that I find it (no, I find you) rather incredible.

Be good to yourself. x

JackRS

Louk wrote: »

Hi Jack,
I have been following this thread for a while but not commented as I know little about the legal process' you are going through, but reading your post this morning has made me want to write the following.

I recognise the way you are feeling right now because I too feel the same. I too have recently divorced, mine was a lot more simple (although not a breeze) as there were no assets, we share one child but my ex makes such little money I just found it easier to not pursue cm etc. He was/is a gambler and I first uncovered the true extent of his habit 5 years ago, shortly after the birth of our son. I have been very good at dealing with the practicalities, firstly in trying to save the marriage and getting help, then in planning my departure from it. I've set up a new home and a business that fits around my Son and been through bankruptcy as a result of his habit. But in order to do this I've had to shut away the emotions and the result of that is exactly as you describe. Little interest in doing things, trust issues etc. My family have been fantastic in their practical support but emotionally I am stranded. For me one of the things that makes me feel so down is the lack of human touch. I have no one to hug me, to put their hand on me and to look me in the eye.

I can't advise you on how to get past it, I've recently started counselling to try and find a way to deal with it, but I just wanted to say, I know and you are not alone in how you feel.

Look after yourself x

Thank you for your empathy and comments it is very supportive.

JackRS

kelpie35 wrote: »

Oh Jack it has made me so sad to read your honest post.

Here is a virtual ((((((((((((( hug )))))))))))))))

It just shows how much strength, honesty and dignity you have. You would not be human if you did not have these feelings especially after how much you have been put through and still going through.

The only advice I can offer is, that you take one day at a time (I know that is easier said than done).

I have faith to believe that you will come out of this. I know it is hard to see at the moment, but please hang in there.

You come across as a very private person, who likes to cope with what life throws at them, but now is the time to lean on people who you can trust. I am sure you have helped them in the past.

Another idea might be (might be well off the mark here) have your tried to be open and honest with your daughter, letting her know just how sad and unhappy you feel. It might bring you closer and she could give you the support you desperately need. Please ignore this paragraph if it will upset you.

Please, please Jack take care of yourself.

Thank you, I was texting my daughter last night as I'd been past our old house and said how strange it was to think of other people there. She said she didn't like to think of it as it made her sad, she'd heard that the children there have been playing in the castle that I built for her and my son 18 years ago. I said it was nice that someone is getting some use out of it but it was sad. My difficulty is that my daughter has loyalty to her mother, probably more than to me so if I did tell her it could be passed on and used against me in terms of knowing my weakness in negotiation and timing. For example if she believes I want agreement before going to final hearing then she will hold out with her proposal etc...

JackRS

Toxicity wrote: »

I really wouldn't worry about the future, not when it comes to relationships - if you are anything at all like the way you come across on this thread then I think any lady would be lucky to have you. I can also say that thankfully there are many, many women in this world that are nothing at all like your ex.

I don't know how someone could go through all of this without feeling sad, angry or bitter. There is no shame in feeling anything you are currently feeling but it WILL end and you WILL be free to move on and rebuild your life and I have no doubt that you will succeed in doing so. You have shown so much strength and decency throughout all this that I find it (no, I find you) rather incredible.

Be good to yourself. x

Thank you those are very kind and uplifting views I really appreciate your support.

JackRS

ampersand wrote: »

No, dear Jack: 'at the same time angry with myself for feeling that way as I should be ‘counting my blessings’.'
You don't have to do that at all.
Old lady hugs applied.
#
Right now, I need you to find my car keys.
#
I have read and re-read every word of that sad post.

Right & - think hard:
OK. Let's say that if all of us who support you here, care about you, think about you away from this Thread do the same with this post, we share and dilute its effect.
Jack, if you shook your head ever so slightly, half-rictus smiled in a hopeless feeling way, 'That blutty woman, wish she'd stop ...I know she means well'......Well, some connection was made, if not a magic wand waved.:)

I'm here. Others will be.
#
As for 'Nobody would be interested in someone with my mind set right now, talk about baggage and inability to trust someone'.....

You'll have the decency to blush. please:j, when we all turn up at that party for you both:D.
#
Jack, my low is election-inflicted - a 5 year sentence and OAP as sole income. That's my different situ and I have my bouts of all that was lost with R's suicide.
Shall I add a glug of the little brown bird to your coffee?[as late and blvd R did before my starred French viva?]
#
[Keep looking for my keys please]
#######
If there's any way to rescind that offer, I'd be doing so.

The nonsense of parachuted Judge, hence incomplete overview and prep. reading, were ingredents to the pressure you felt, leading to you increasing the terms of your offer to close matters - and still that didn't happen.
So, match abandoned.
New rules, level playing field - on health grounds now, yours, not hers.

As always thank you for your support and kind words, but I'm afraid I can't find your keys.....

kelpie35

JackRS wrote: »

Thank you, I was texting my daughter last night as I'd been past our old house and said how strange it was to think of other people there. She said she didn't like to think of it as it made her sad, she'd heard that the children there have been playing in the castle that I built for her and my son 18 years ago. I said it was nice that someone is getting some use out of it but it was sad. My difficulty is that my daughter has loyalty to her mother, probably more than to me so if I did tell her it could be passed on and used against me in terms of knowing my weakness in negotiation and timing. For example if she believes I want agreement before going to final hearing then she will hold out with her proposal etc...

I have to go along with your thinking. At least you communicating.

In time, I believe you will resume a good relationship with both your children. It might take a few years, but as they mature and see how others live and treat people, they will see you have been a great dad.

Take care