Separated, how much should I provide?

Bonfire77

It's so sad when one parent makes the other one out to be the "bad guy"to the kids. I agree that there are many positive happy stories out there, although that wasn't my experience as a kid either.

We understand your frustration Jack and It's a sad tale --especially coz you are trying to do the best you possibly can for everyone involved. You are extremely patient.

Chin up, and be assured it will get better with time. Have a lovely weekend. TFIF!!

duchy

Trouble is that she has by the sound of it always had her own way .......like deciding to just quit her school job. It's a whole new mind set that Jack isn't going to make sure she is happy. She's had years of it and she is angry that he chose to change everything.

She probably has friends and family telling her to hang out for every last penny as the split wasn't of her making.....and even getting a job might make her look like she isn't "standing firm" in their eyes.

It is very easy for people in a secure marriage to tell someone newly seperated to be stubborn - and not allow for the fact that it isn't particually realistic to hold out for a settlement no court would deem fair or reasonable.

She's holding onto what she can of her old life because the new life seems scary and the only person she has to rely on is herself Would she better off getting on with moving forward- Yes- Is the fact she isn't yet entirely down to her.....probably not.

The kindest thing you can do for BOTH of you is get a final settlement Jack -the current situation isn't helping anyone. Once it is done you will all be able to move forward and tat'll be good for all. Lets hope the court date isn't too far away.

JackRS

She wrote the following:

I think it would be helpful if I just set out my background - I used to practise as a Barrister at the Family Bar for 10 years and now work full time as a mediator specialising in the financial aspect of divorce. I must clarify that I am unable to offer specific advice and always recommend taking independent legal advice.
I appreciate the time that you have taken in setting out the facts and I can tell that you are frustrated. The first thing I should check is that your solicitor is a member of Resolution which is the professional body that solicitors who specialise in family matters should belong to.
I would ask him/her what your best case and worst case scenario would be if you were to take the matter to court and if they are not able to help maybe get counsel's opinion, the latter will be expensive (£1000-£1500) but on any view it is considerably cheaper than taking the matter to court which really can cost from £5000 - £25,000 each plus costs it really does not bear thinking about. Getting good clear advice at this stage is really crucial.
It is difficult for to me to comment on the specific figures but a general observation is that you are £20,000 apart on lump sum and maintenance is another issue. In terms of her re-housing what are the costs of a 2 bedroom property? or a one bedroom property? there is a balance between needs and funds available as it may well be that she will not be able to get a mortgage and this will may need to be reflected in any lump sum payment. Do the children need to live with her - technically adults in the eyes of the law?
In relation to maintenance is this something that you could tie in with the pension split - ie/agree a monthly amount (that terminates on her re-marriage or co-habitation with someone for a 6 month continual period) and then reduces when she is entitled to draw her pension? - greater share of the pension for a shorter committment (in terms of time) for maintenance.
Further could it be suggested that she is able to increase her earning capacity and if she is living in a mortgage free small property how much of her needs can she cover from her current earnings - can these earnings be increased? is there any work that she could undertake in the school holidays?

The above is just suggestions and certainly not advice but just follows the lines that I may adopt when exploring matters with clients in mediation - it is a shame that your mediation was not successful - was it a mediator with a legal background? essential in my view especially when dealing with finances alone.
I do hope this gives some ideas.

So not sure what to take from that?

gonzo127

To be honest what has been said seems to mirror what has been posted here

JackRS wrote: »

In terms of her re-housing what are the costs of a 2 bedroom property? or a one bedroom property? there is a balance between needs and funds available as it may well be that she will not be able to get a mortgage and this will may need to be reflected in any lump sum payment. Do the children need to live with her - technically adults in the eyes of the law?

So basically asking for a 3 bed property at the coast is probably a bigger push than she would get, especially considering the children do not currently live with her and are technically legally adults!

JackRS wrote: »

Further could it be suggested that she is able to increase her earning capacity and if she is living in a mortgage free small property how much of her needs can she cover from her current earnings - can these earnings be increased? is there any work that she could undertake in the school holidays?

Why hasn’t she got a job? What is she doing to get a job? And if she got a job spousal maintenance should be less.

JackRS wrote: »

The above is just suggestions and certainly not advice but just follows the lines that I may adopt when exploring matters with clients in mediation - it is a shame that your mediation was not successful - was it a mediator with a legal background? essential in my view especially when dealing with finances alone.
I do hope this gives some ideas.

Sounds like the mediator was useless

Anyways the above is my reading of what has been said

ampersand

Jack - good wishes on this first day of autumn.

'Ignore' seemed best policy to odd attack by another poster. Thankyou to others who replied.

Scarb's Thread shows you are, unfortunately, not alone:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5066604

re:'was it a mediator with a legal background? essential in my view especially when dealing with finances alone'

We know that your solicitor knew her as former colleague, #1714.

kelpie's post above,#1881 still expresses the current situation perfectly.

Your legal firm is a member of Resolution.
#
Find myself with you: 'So not sure what to take from that?'
-except repeating your need for a glove-fit barrister.

Do you know when those 10 years' work as barrister were?
There has been considerable movement in Judges' attitudes since 2000-2005, although a reputable mediator would be up to speed on judgment trends.

I'm concerned that readjustment of needs only ever applies to you, Jack, not to ex.

Son's maturity of view is bound to be sullied and held back by all that's piled in on him. He'll come right, Jack. I think we all feel we can promise this for you.

Blunt thought, too - ex and menopause....? No need to comment, but it could be a factor.

Hope you have taken some time out of this month's mostly Indian summer and have next month's new roof plans simmering.

As always, take real care of yourself.

mgdavid

ampersand wrote: »

........

Your legal firm is a member of Resolution.
........

An important correction - it is the individual person who is a member of Resolution, *not* the practice or firm.
Some firms will word their marketing blurb such that the unknowing customer can be misled on this point.
Members can all be checked online...

ampersand

Yes, but Jack needs to check this. I can't/wouldn't. I was told several years back it's a requirement in this firm. They also took on staff subsequently who'd previously worked in Mediation with Relate.

Thankyou mgd.

neneromanova

Jack, Why does she NEED a 3 bed property when she leaves the FMH?

Your Daughter has left and your son is living with his grandparents. Surely she needs a 2 bed at most?

Also, what the hell does she buy a month that her bills are £1850?!?!?!?! Have you tried getting her to write down what she spends a month and only pay for necessities? Elec/gas/water etc (although you shouldn't need to). As son is living away, I would give most of the money to him as it's for him to live on, not for her to spend on herself.

It really dows sound like you need a better rotweiller of a Lawyer, or to go to court and let them laugh at her, tell her to grow up and give a fair ruling.

Good Luck

supersaver2

Sorry Jack but I don't think there is much useful advice in there that you won't already know. I am intrigued at the comment about her being able to do work in the school holidays? Why only in the school holidays when you don't have any school age children? Good luck and I bet the weight that will be off your shoulders when this is all over will be immense!

ajsexton

neneromanova wrote: »

Also, what the hell does she buy a month that her bills are £1850?!?!?!?!

Now I'm in a cheap part of the country but frankly that's more than our 3 bed house costs to run with me, my wife and baby. We run two cars, (7 and 9 years old so the older one might need replacing soon), we don't eat cheaply, and that's including £230 a month loan repayment and a mortgage repayment