Separated, how much should I provide?

barbiedoll

^^^^This...

Jack, I'm sure that both your son and your daughter are well aware that your ex has made certain choices which are preventing her from living the lifestyle that she so badly wants. Your daughter especially, must be embarrassed by the fact that her perfectly fit and able mother refuses to even consider obtaining paid employment. What a message to send out to a young woman nowadays. :mad:

It's probably difficult for your son, he lives with her parents who may well be reinforcing the message that you are depriving their daughter of her rightful claim to your cash (and house, and pension), if your son thinks differently, who can he speak to about it? He may well feel that he is being disloyal to his mother if he contacts you, he may possibly feel that you are totally in the wrong for leaving in the first place. He is very young and has little experience of relationships, he may be resentful that his home is now broken, he is taking this out on you, and quite possibly, his mother too. He will come round in time, you will be able to repair your relationship with him, I promise.

Good luck with the "friend of a friend", that sounds promising. A fresh pair of eyes is always helpful, even more so if it's free!

Do keep us posted, we are genuinely interested, and concerned. It's funny, there has been a thread on here recently where a young woman is (possibly) in an abusive relationship, as usual, the thread descended into a shoutfest where posters were all accused of being "manhaters" etc, etc. I hope that this thread shows that the support of the forum community is there for all, no matter what your gender!

mgdavid

victory wrote: »

So if it is going to take 6-9 months for a court date,..........

I may have missed it but I cannot see where Jack gave this estimate. Is it guesswork or is it from someone else's experience?

justme111

JackRS wrote: »

Tell me about it, my son is still not replying, she's basically told him that I'm stopping her get sjlomewhere nice to live on the coast.

Youth is selfish. Wishing you for this issue not to cause too much hurt by the time it is sorted , I would say it is the heaviest aspect in the whole ordeal , not sure it is possible at all not to be hurt and emotional if something goes wrong with children , one can deal well with the whole world turning upside down but would be defensless on children's issues.
Good luck with a friendly law person , hope there will be no trouble with reducing /abolishing maintenance and play it right with children. This suggestion.may seem completely off the wall but may be the way forward : writing children letters saying from now on you.would be paying for this and that and if they need anything else to discuss with you , just beware ex in.laws may not give the letter to him if you send it by mail ..
Hope you will be able to enjoy your life and not wishing the next 6-9 months away, it is what it is and resisting it just wastes life
Take care
()

RAS

JackRS

The other truth is that she sent him down south for her own ends and it has back-fired.

He hates being with his GPs, he probably misses his friends and he probably misses you and his sister.

And he is being strung along all the time being told a better situation is imminent. In the absence of real information, he lashes out at the easiest target. Lor' lads do that when things at home are fine......

He cannot quite blame mum in the current set-up because he is so dependent on her and her parents.

Add to that the fact that he will genuinely be grieving the loss of his happy family whilst not really having the opportunity to talk it through comfortably.

justme111

Superb post by barbiedoll and RAS

JackRS

mgdavid wrote: »

I may have missed it but I cannot see where Jack gave this estimate. Is it guesswork or is it from someone else's experience?

No I've not said that but it's a reasonable estimate, i said my solicitor expects it will be well into next year so it could well be 6 months or more.

JackRS

Many things you've all said above I can understand, I hadn't considered that maybe he just doesn't know what to say. I don't blame him I'm sure I'd be equally as confused in that situation. I will keep letting him know I'm there and yes I have been advised about writing a letter to explain, I have even tried to start it a few times. I think of my son many times and remember the looks on his face and then I feel a tear fall down my cheek. I know I can't recover things for him and my choices have turned his world upside down. He is learning to be more independent but of course it hurts me that he doesn't want me in his life but I do understand why he may feel that way being loyal to his mum.

Steffi747

JackRS, I've followed your thread but never posted.

However, I just wanted to add that one day your son will come around to the situation and will understand. I know this because this happened to me too. My parents divorced when I was 10 and being so young never understood why. My world was turned upside down; my mum would tell me things my Dad had done and tried to turn me against my Dad, however it wasn't until I was older I realised this just wasn't the case.

I get the feeling your ex-wife may be trying to do the same thing, hopefully one day he will realise, hopefully by that time it won't be too late for your relationship. At times I think my realisation perhaps came too late.

Please keep doing what you are doing with regards to your son, and one day, maybe not in the immediate future, it will pay off. I think a letter is a great idea.

Good luck.

JackRS

Steffi747 wrote: »

JackRS, I've followed your thread but never posted.

However, I just wanted to add that one day your son will come around to the situation and will understand. I know this because this happened to me too. My parents divorced when I was 10 and being so young never understood why. My world was turned upside down; my mum would tell me things my Dad had done and tried to turn me against my Dad, however it wasn't until I was older I realised this just wasn't the case.

I get the feeling your ex-wife may be trying to do the same thing, hopefully one day he will realise, hopefully by that time it won't be too late for your relationship. At times I think my realisation perhaps came too late.

Please keep doing what you are doing with regards to your son, and one day, maybe not in the immediate future, it will pay off. I think a letter is a great idea.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for sharing your painful story and your support. My father left my mother when I was 22 and no longer living at home and it broke my heart so I know how it hurts but I never blamed either one I was upset for them that it didn't work out, you always hope they'd grow old together happy ever after etc. So I do understand the pain a child goes through however old goes through, even though it made no real difference for my day to day life or contact with them it was more the shock and change for their life that I grieved. This made me determined not to follow the same path but that determination was really a bad thing as it was for all the wrong reasons to stay in a relationship. I fully appreciate the impact on a younger child is more devastating in different was and effects their daily life greatly.

justme111

I dont think it needs to be that bad , I know some families with good relationships between parents , both non resident and resident , New partners , New partner's extended families , past partners extended families and so on. It may even be benefitial to children as they have more significant adults around so they have more support and exposure to different ways people live which enriches children's lives and widens horizons . For example the new partner of my ex is doting on my daughter can do so neat and cute plaits for her which I do not even try to imitate . When done well it teaches children that separation is not only a tragedy , it is a chance for a new start.
I know it is off topic , just had to disagree with this doom and gloom and poor children we failed you posts.