What Do I Do

thewalkingdead

i was expecting some of these posts.

i have not bullied her about her weight, i have not made her feel inferior, unsexy and useless.

im worried for her, health wise, contraceptives are a really big point, but mainly she is only allowed to have the rod, due to her family history of being sensitive to other types.

im physically disabled so enrolling myself into excersize etc is out of the equasion.

what got me asking about this is that i suddenly realised that subconciously i have been altering my attitude towards her, i have not intentionally altered my attitude.

im not about to leave my wife, i want to support her, i want her to remain in good health, i want her to feel sexy, i want her to be happy.

coinxoperated

I think your completely within your rights to feel the way you do to be honest. I'm a 23yr old woman with a 27yr old OH and I have always asked him to be totally honest with me in regards to how I look. He adores me and any curves I have (Im a size 16-18) and has had very slim women before and I 'do it' for him much more than they did (or so he claims!)

She needs to feel pretty, feel sexy, feel like you want her. She also needs to appreciate how things have changed and how she has changed and how she can improve the situation with you.

If he honestly isn't interested in sex, and you both for want sex with each other, maybe it is time to split.

Whatever size I've been (was a size 30 a few years back!!!) I've never had a lack of men being interested. If you don't want her, someone else will.

What I would say, is that you must not cheat on her. If you so desperately want something else, end what you have first. Breaking up because he has a low sex drive (which generally comes with being overweight) is hard enough. If she were to find out you had cheated on her with a skinny woman, it's likely she will just become self-destructive.

A rule I will always stick by, is not to stay for the sake of the children nor the amount of time you've been together. Children will see their parents not connect, not have a proper relationship and the ongoing tension. Your also both young enough to split amicably and move on.

Without sounding mean, I'm sure you haven't always looked your best in the 11 years together. Maybe you actually don't do it for her!

My ex put on quite a bit of weight after 3 years of living together. So did I. He still found me attractive, but I struggled to want sex with him. It wasn't that I didn't want it, I just didn't want it with him. I made no effort to make myself better because I just didn't want it!

You may find when you break up she will go into a 'self repair' mode and make some changes. It sounds like she needs a fresh start with someone who appreciates her.

Just please, do not cheat!!

Person_one

If your attitude is coming across in the wrong way to us, its entirely possible its coming across the same way to her.

Maybe Relate would be a good idea, so that you can discuss things with a trained third party to help guide you through the conversation.

tesuhoha

thewalkingdead wrote: »

i was expecting some of these posts.

i have not bullied her about her weight, i have not made her feel inferior, unsexy and useless.

im worried for her, health wise, contraceptives are a really big point, but mainly she is only allowed to have the rod, due to her family history of being sensitive to other types.

im physically disabled so enrolling myself into excersize etc is out of the equasion.

what got me asking about this is that i suddenly realised that subconciously i have been altering my attitude towards her, i have not intentionally altered my attitude.

im not about to leave my wife, i want to support her, i want her to remain in good health, i want her to feel sexy, i want her to be happy.

Have a look on the Health board on here at the 5:2 diet thread. A lot of failed dieters find it easy to do and it is becoming one of the top most successful diets in the world. Its a health diet more than anything but you lose weight on it.

If you can watch the Michael Mosley Horizon programme then do, and watch it with your wife. You will have to be careful how to approach the subject with her but this diet really does work without difficult calorie counting so she is less likely to give up on it.

thewalkingdead

coinxoperated wrote: »

I think your completely within your rights to feel the way you do to be honest. I'm a 23yr old woman with a 27yr old OH and I have always asked him to be totally honest with me in regards to how I look. He adores me and any curves I have (Im a size 16-18) and has had very slim women before and I 'do it' for him much more than they did (or so he claims!)

She needs to feel pretty, feel sexy, feel like you want her. She also needs to appreciate how things have changed and how she has changed and how she can improve the situation with you.
ive always tried to make her feel sexy, she's always bought sexy clothing and when it comes time to put them on they dont fit right on her and she gets upset,shes pretty insecure in the way she looked and has always been that way, she doesnt grasp the magnitude of how things have chaged.
If he honestly isn't interested in sex, and you both for want sex with each other, maybe it is time to split.
its not that im not interested in sex with her, sometimes she just not interested where as i have always been up for sex and never had a problem before, this is new to me why my body is reacting to this situation they way it has and this is something that i am going to sort out for myself.
Whatever size I've been (was a size 30 a few years back!!!) I've never had a lack of men being interested. If you don't want her, someone else will.
i agree that there men out there that will take my place with no issues thats down to personal prefurance.

What I would say, is that you must not cheat on her. If you so desperately want something else, end what you have first. Breaking up because he has a low sex drive (which generally comes with being overweight) is hard enough. If she were to find out you had cheated on her with a skinny woman, it's likely she will just become self-destructive.
it has never crossed my mind to cheat on her i have never cheated, i have had other women make advances on me to wich i always declined, im not that way programmed to take what is on offer, even when she has told me to go elsewhere for it.
A rule I will always stick by, is not to stay for the sake of the children nor the amount of time you've been together. Children will see their parents not connect, not have a proper relationship and the ongoing tension. Your also both young enough to split amicably and move on.
im not staying for the sake of the kids, i staying because i love her, im staying because whatever the reason behind this im dedicated to her and helping her.
Without sounding mean, I'm sure you haven't always looked your best in the 11 years together. Maybe you actually don't do it for her!
TBH i havent changed much feature wise in the 11 years weve been together, ive always looked younger than i am,im almost 30 and still look 20 years old.
My ex put on quite a bit of weight after 3 years of living together. So did I. He still found me attractive, but I struggled to want sex with him. It wasn't that I didn't want it, I just didn't want it with him. I made no effort to make myself better because I just didn't want it!

You may find when you break up she will go into a 'self repair' mode and make some changes. It sounds like she needs a fresh start with someone who appreciates her.
i do appreciate her, she has stood by me through all my pain and suffering with my injuries i sustained at work, i adore the ground she walks on.
Just please, do not cheat!!
will never ever cheat on anyone, its not in my nature to intentionally inflict psycological pain and suffering.

i maybe coming accross as heartless, but how can someone put into words feelings without seeing a facial reactions, i know that thread posts are open to interpretations and some have interpretated things wrong.

somepeople on this forum think im just a heartless sadist evil person who doesnt deserve nothing.

MrsDrink

I think if it's got to the stage where she's telling you to find sex elsewhere (again totally irrespective of her weight) then as person one says, maybe you should seek some sort of professional support like going to relate. This sounds so much bigger than simply she's happy with her size but you aren't (which I get the feeling some of the responses you've received are based on.) I think as she becomes happier within herself she'll find the motivation to lose weight. I wish you both luck.

merlin1

thewalkingdead wrote: »

i maybe coming accross as heartless, but how can someone put into words feelings without seeing a facial reactions, i know that thread posts are open to interpretations and some have interpretated things wrong.

somepeople on this forum think im just a heartless sadist evil person who doesnt deserve nothing.

I for one do not think that at all! It's obvious to me that you are extremely frustrated and at a loss as to what to do - i hope i didnt come across as judgemental it wasnt intended. I was unaware of your disabilities, so maybe the going for a walk together was not the best suggestion. i appologise.

I think after reading your last couple of posts there is much more going on in both your lives than you could possibly express on a forum, but try not to focus on the negatives. If you both want the change it will happen one way or another. Understanding plays a massive part in this imo.

[Deleted User]

''Whichever way you put it, if you think you are sexy but get no vibes back that others agree, you are not going to feel sexy for long. You see women who try so hard to be sexy, think they are, but don't understand why they don't get the response they want back. This is usually the case with older women trying to look younger.''

There are many women of a certain age who go to 'cougar parties' and the young men are all over them!!!

Yes it is an ego boost but being happy with who you are is the key yet unfortunately how others treat you can affect your confidence eg teasing overweight people on the street or saying to an old friend you bump into ''wow , you've put on weight!!!'' don't you think they are AWARE of that fact already

Whether you are having a fat day or a thin day it is still nice to feel attractive even though it is a struggle so what I mean is how people react to us can either make us feel better about ourselves or WORSE , to feel rejected on a fat day or see that your husband is repulsed would be a real confidence killer ( at least if single there is not that 'reaction' to deal with ) and I'm sorry but I do find that reaction cruel as quite often the guy is no oil painting himself but he expects his wife to look like she always has when he himself doesn't either!!

I don't think it is selfish to say ''accept me as I am'' as self acceptance is the first step to feeling better about yourself and to not have that confidence knocked back down

If the OP accepts his wife as she is right now , right this minute , there is nothing she can do immediately this second to change her weight anyway and if along the road to progress there are ups and downs he doesn't treat her according to how she does but who she is then maybe there is a possibility it could work but you say your attitude towards her has changed eg how much you talk to her and how much affection you give her and I do find that sad for her

It might not be totally self inflicted , wife feels overweight and unattractive , husband CONFIRMS that she is indeed overweight and unattractive so vicious cycle starts...

I don't understand how someone can be a size 30 and expect their partner to find them attractive yet when the partner puts on weight they go right off him , hardly fair and I think and that sounds selfish to me

I said I would ACCEPT my husband if he put on weight and my reaction would be CONCERN for his health and for the fact that he may be comfort eating so not happy , it would REALLY upset me if he was not happy!! :(:(

vodkachick68

tesuhoha wrote: »

Maybe she should try the 5:2 diet. That's really easy to do.

Apologies for sounding thick but what is 5:2 diet?

thunderbird

thewalkingdead wrote: »

im physically disabled so enrolling myself into excersize etc is out of the equasion.

QUOTE]

Are you unable to do any exercise? Does your wife have to care for you in any way?

Also - don't think it has been explained yet, what are the attempts you have made so far to help your wife lose weight and what is it that stops them working?