What Do I Do

Person_one

Whenever I've truly loved somebody, I've sort of stopped noticing what they look like on the outside because they just look like the person you love.

I understand the health aspect, but not the attraction aspect.

There are quite a few couples in my family where one or both partners has gone through huge changes to their physical appearance or their body for a number of reasons and they are still loved just as much, the thought that the unchanged partner would withdraw affection based on something as inconsequential as appearance is awful.

MrsDrink

cazzap06 wrote: »

Its all about the ''outer'' now and not enough about the ''inner'' and what about being attracted to the person as a whole???

Agreed - but what if the OP's wife's "inner" is no longer attractive because of the impact her "outer" is having on her? Regardless of the OPs efforts/views/part in the relationship.

As I said before, putting actual weight to one side, on my fat days I sure as hell don't feel sexy. On my thin days I do. This then impacts on how attractive I'm sure MrD finds me, and also importantly how attractive I want him to find me, and hence the effort I'll put into intimacy. (When I am having a fat day the last thing I want is him drawing attention to my wobbly bits by wanting to undress me, stroke me seductively etc. I'd much rather hide under my biggest jumper).

delain

Person_one wrote: »

Not at all.

It doesn't much at all to slowly pile on weight, as I'm sure you know yourself. You only need to eat a few hundred excess calories a day to put on half a pound pr a pound a week, which could mean 3 or 4 stone in a year without necessarily pigging out or eating 24/7.

If she wasn't eating all the time she wouldn't be maintaining it. She will be using huge amounts of calories all the time because of her weight...

19 stone isn't the odd biscuit here and there (assuming there are no medications!)

I think the OP has good intentions, I mean he hasn't just dumped her or anything...

Maybe he should suggest she see the doctor as the wanting fitness games etc shows she dies know she needs to lose some.

Person_one

delain wrote: »

If she wasn't eating all the time she wouldn't be maintaining it. She will be using huge amounts of calories all the time because of her weight...

19 stone isn't the odd biscuit here and there (assuming there are no medications!)

It depends how long it took to put it on. At 19 stone I don't think she'll be doing much physical activity or getting her HR up very often.

Its easy to assume she's just greedy and lazy, but as somebody who struggles with my weight myself I can definitely see how people get to that weight and how hard it is to get it back off again. It would be even harder if there are emotional/psychological issues around food/size etc.

delain

Person_one wrote: »

It depends how long it took to put it on. At 19 stone I don't think she'll be doing much physical activity or getting her HR up very often.

Its easy to assume she's just greedy and lazy, but as somebody who struggles with my weight myself I can definitely see how people get to that weight and how hard it is to get it back off again. It would be even harder if there are emotional/psychological issues around food/size etc.

Now you're putting words in my mouth... I didn't say she was greedy or lazy.

From what's been posted its fairly clear the food is not 'just food' to her, she's either emotional eating or eating through boredom, those were factors for me too, as well as hormonal contraceptives.

The OP hasn't said if she has any hobbies or interests outside the house... She could be very lonely.

thehappybutterfly

OP, I hope you're still viewing the thread - you do have some supporters willing to give you advice.

Unfortunately, you can't make your wife lose weight - she has to want to lose it so you badgering her to start a diet / exercise regime is not going to work if she's not in the right frame of mind. If she's moaning that she's fat and that she hates her body but then does nothing about it, I could understand your frustration.

How was your sex life in the early days before the weight gain? I'm thinking about what you said about her walking out the room when sex and nudity are on the screen. Has she always been like this or is this recent (since you stopped having sex)?

I'm not sure there's anything else you can do if your attempts at encouragement don't work. I agree with some of the suggestions like family walks and activities, healthy eating for the whole family etc. If you include everyone, she won't feel isolated and thinking she's the only one who's out of shape.

If you've tried all this and told her you're worried for her health and she still won't do anything, you might have to be brutally honest with her.

Dunroamin

delain wrote: »

The OP hasn't said if she has any hobbies or interests outside the house... She could be very lonely.

She might indeed be very lonely, living with someone lke the OP seems to be.

MrsDrink

Person_one wrote: »

As somebody who struggles with my weight myself I can definitely see how people get to that weight and how hard it is to get it back off again. It would be even harder if there are emotional/psychological issues around food/size etc.

Absolutely.

tesuhoha

I know its easy to gain a bit of weight by eating just a few calories extra per day. However, I remember watching a programme once about obese people and they tested the metabolism of those and of normal weight people. The obese people were bleating on about having a slow metabolism and it turned out that their metabolisms were far higher than the thin people. Because they ate so much their bodies were accustomed to dealing with large amounts of food and so their metabolism was raised.

Personally, I think what makes someone of 19 stone unattractive is that okay, you can put on weight, but surely there's a certain point where you think its gone too far now and you have to do something about it. To just ignore it and carry on eating to that level and think its okay to look like that, smacks of self indulgence and slovenliness.

I don't blame her husband for feeling like that because he must be wondering where the woman he married has gone.

balletshoes

tesuhoha wrote: »

I know its easy to gain a bit of weight by eating just a few calories extra per day. However, I remember watching a programme once about obese people and they tested the metabolism of those and of normal weight people. The obese people were bleating on about having a slow metabolism and it turned out that their metabolisms were far higher than the thin people. Because they ate so much their bodies were accustomed to dealing with large amounts of food and so their metabolism was raised.

Personally, I think what makes someone of 19 stone unattractive is that okay, you can put on weight, but surely there's a certain point where you think its gone too far now and you have to do something about it.
To just ignore it and carry on eating to that level and think its okay to look like that, smacks of self indulgence and slovenliness.

I don't blame her husband for feeling like that because he must be wondering where the woman he married has gone.

or it could smack of depression.