What Do I Do

FatVonD

Errata wrote: »

She won't change until she acknowledges she has a significant health problem and wants to change.

That's a very good point. Could you say, OP, that you're worried something is going to happen to her and get her health checked out thoroughly?

As a mother myself my biggest fear is that I'll die before my son stops needing me and, while I'm not as overweight as your wife, finding out that my weight was endangering my health would be the thing to give me the kick up the @rse to lose weight.

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

She won't change until she acknowledges she has a significant health problem and wants to change.

Or is feeling low and suffering from depression or low mood not helped by her husbands rejection / attitude / loss of attraction towards her!

[Deleted User]

FatVonD wrote: »

I can understand where the OP is coming from, he isn't saying he doesn't love his wife or he's going to leave her, he just doesn't find her attractive any more. 19st is not just voluptuous it is morbidly obese and I too would find it difficult to be physically attracted to somebody who was so overweight, however much I loved them.

So no cuddles , kisses , gestures of affection at all???

Reckon she must be feeling pretty neglected and pretty undesireable which like I said there ARE other men who would desire her and I volunteer to take her out and find some!! LOL

We'd have a good night out I'm sure!

view

I probably can't say anything more than what has been said above. Yes, love is supposed to be unconditional, however, in many cases it's not. We're human, we change, what appeals to us sometimes may not in the future. Studies have shown that most men need to feel that raw physical attraction from looking at a female, where many women look deeper (conversation, humour - why do you think so many butt ugly comedians with bad teeth get so much action?! :rotfl:(not tarring everyone with the same brush, we're all completely different of course).

This happened to a friend of mine, who is a lovely gorgeous person, very funny and sweet. Her husband was (I think, I didn't get too involved of course) went for a walk with her and said, atfter sweating buckets and stammering due to the fear of 'the conversation' that he was incredibly worried about her health, her heart etc., and that he didn't want to lose her and the children didn't want to lose her to a possible early death.

A real honest heart to heart. (she was 20 stone and getting bigger and bigger). I think there was some 'you're much much larger so I don't find you as attractive as when we met' but the health/heart thing really struck a chord with her. She had been overeating "her feelings" about being teased as a child and it all just crept up. The thought of leaving her husband with the kids dying somewhere by heart attack or like sunk in. Although she was angry at first (and made her want to over eat) she finally dealt with it and started leading a more healthy life (lost 6 stone, amazing lady this one xx).

OP if you are genuinely concerned with her health, maybe a proper heart to heart about health may sink in. You do need to have a big think however about even if she was YOUR perfect weight are you attracted to the PERSON.

I hop you do think also about how others have mentioned above that we ALL get grey, saggy, wrinkly (if we're lucky enough to survive) and what you want is your best friend beside you, not a 1950's pinup. (leave that for Hugh Hef) ;-)

surfboard2

How have you encouraged her? Maybe you can all do the healthy/fitness lifestyle as a family - making healthy meals, going for bide rikes as a family, walking, swimming e.t.c?

I understand what you're saying OP and i think i'd feel the same way too.

[Deleted User]

If this post was about love , care and concern for her health I would not have written the comments above , but to withold affection and not even talk to her as much as you used to , it just seems a bit cruel and selfish to me , yes she doesn't look like the day you married her , but she is still the same person within and is now a Mother to your children which is the greatest gift on earth and she deserves love and affection nomatter what her size is

You could let her know you accept her the way she is and that may inspire change in her , the odd compliment wouldn't go amiss like ''come here sexy bum!'' she really needs embracing , not rejecting and love and compassion go together as it is obvious she is really not HAPPY which is a shame!!!

You COULD make her feel good again , just a little stroke of her hair , a simple affectionate gesture which would mean ALOT right now , try it and see!

Oh , and treat her to a pamper day with a facial and a trip to the hairdressers etc , the little things help alot sometimes and a bit of pampering / grooming is all part of taking care of yourself! :-)

( You could treat her to some face creams and girly products like a nice face mask so she can relax and have some time to herself and show she is valued ) xx

Person_one

cazzap06 wrote: »

If this post was about love , care and concern for her health I would not have written the comments above , but to withold affection and not even talk to her as much as you used to , it just seems a bit cruel and selfish to me

I have to agree, I can completely understand being concerned about a significant weight gain, but the way its presented rubs me the wrong way.

My dad is currently losing weight, he's doing it for my mum but not because she wants him to look thinner and be more attractive to her, its because she was terrified of losing him to a heart attack or a stroke, or of having to live for twenty years without him, or of them not being able to fully enjoy their retirement together after so many decades of working hard for it.

If you'd told us how worried you were about your wife's size for reasons more like that, I'd have a lot more sympathy. It sounds more like you're just a bit gutted that she isn't as hot as she used to be.

Errata

FatVonD wrote: »

That's a very good point. Could you say, OP, that you're worried something is going to happen to her and get her health checked out thoroughly?

As a mother myself my biggest fear is that I'll die before my son stops needing me and, while I'm not as overweight as your wife, finding out that my weight was endangering my health would be the thing to give me the kick up the @rse to lose weight.

Something is already happening, her hips and back are painful. Unfortunately she can't at this stage notice all the serious things that are already going on in her major organs.

FBaby

What happened to 'unconditional love' and 'for better , for worse , in sickness and in health'' etc etc etc

Where did you read that he loved her less He said he found her less attractive and sexy. That's two totally different things and it sad to equates one to the other.

Large people are sexy in their own right as are thin people

What is sexy is how the others sees you. I don't find any large man sexy. That's me though. I totally accept that for some women, large men can be very sexy.

If this post was about love , care and concern for her health I would not have written the comments above , but to withold affection and not even talk to her as much as you used to , it just seems a bit cruel and selfish to me , yes she doesn't look like the day you married her , but she is still the same person within and is now a Mother to your children which is the greatest gift on earth and she deserves love and affection nomatter what her size is

I think you totally misunderstand the OP. I expect the reason why he is growing detached from his wife is not so much the way she is (that's the reason for his not feeling up for sex), but the frustration that despite all his help, she is not sticking by her intentions to lose weight.

Again, I can totally understand this from my own perspective. I knew from the moment we dated that my OH was only attracted to slim women and that if I gained weight, it could affect how attracted he was to me (not that he would love me any less). I cannot say that I would never put on weight. As a matter of fact, I started to do so before Christmas and I got to the point that I realised I need to lose it, for myself, but also because it is very important for me to be attractive to my partner. It is worth the sacrifices and the effort to go to the gym to see the hunger in his eyes when I take my clothes off or for the smile on his face when he tells me that I look good when I try a new item of clothing.

Of course there are variations to this. If OP never stated to his wife that he didn't find overweight women attractive, if she put on a lot of weight because of medication, if he has been bullying her to lose it, if he himself has put on a lot of weight etc... then his attitude would not be fair, but I pick up from his post that he does love his wife, he has genuinely be supportive for quite some time, and his now frustrated because nothing has helped and he is worried she might never lose the weight. If that is the case, he will need to consider how much of an issue it is for him and maybe learn ways to indeed find her attractive even with the extra weight.

zaksmum

cazzap06 wrote: »

Acceptance and love , that's what goes the distance and makes both parties feel secure in themselves and in the relationship and happy bunnies both in the relationship I reckon!

If he was feeling low about his weight am sure you would reassure him and raise his spirits! x

Having fun together goes a long way too :j:j

Of course. Nobody's perfect and I wouldn't be amused if he kept banging on about my shortcomings. We can't look as enticing in our 60s as we did in our 20s so might as well make the most of what we HAVE got!:)