What Do I Do

Caroline_a

I think there's lots of reasons why people put on weight - eating chocolate 'as a reward', being unhappy, being happy (yes I know...), lifestyle changes, hormone changes... For me it was a combination of all of those, to a greater or lesser degree, but everybody is different.

liney

Healthy planned menus, and family exercise are great ideas.

Remember, you are in your late twenties, and you have been together 11 years so your 9 stone wife was a teenager when you met her who hadn't birthed your babies! Lots of women struggle to loose baby weight, especially if they have multiple birth close together which means more piles ontop.

MrsDrink

I have no advice thewalkingdead, because she really does have to lose weight for herself and not to make you fancy her again. But I do see where you are coming from. FWIW I don't necessarily think it's as straight forward as fat equals you find her unsexy. I suspect it's more of a case of fat equals her feeling unconfident, unhappy, unattractive and therefore the way she carries herself, and the messages she is exuding leading you to find her unsexy. When I feel fat I definitely don't feel sexy, and can totally understand MrD not finding me as attractive. But when I don't feel fat I am more confident and have more self-confidence which is more of a turn on. This is regardless of my actual physical weight. I guess my advice would be to make her feel sexy regardless of her actual weight. Yes you may have to fake it but eventually it may become real as she gains more confidence.

foreign_correspondent

I think it's a very difficult one to handle - 19 stone means she is likely to be very overweight, not just a bit cuddly... and the impact on her health could be considerable...

If you do not find her as attractive as you did, I can understand this - my weight has fluctuated a lot, a few years ago I was very overweight, and I did not feel attractive at all...

I then lost five stone, and feel much more confident and attractive. I'm female, and don't mind well built men, but, if I'm honest, I would be unlikely to find a man who was very overweight physically attractive, even if I loved him.

Whether I like it or not (and on a rational, logical basis I do consider it somewhat shallow of me) it would impact on how attracted I would feel to someone.

However, it sounds as if your partner is not happy with her weight and making her feel worse is not likely to be the way to suceed in losing weight...

Has she spoken to her GP? Her weight may be at the level where they would consider supporting her weight loss. A colleague of mine went to the doctor to discuss losing weight, and was put on a programme with free exercise sessions, and membership to a diet programme. She's now lost several stones, and is looking great!

Also, is she down or depressed at all? I know for me weight gain was linked to not being very happy with my lot in life...

If she's not that keen on sex anyway, the weight may actually be, subconsciously, a way of avoiding intimacy.. I do not know how you could begin to work on this though, as it is so very personal and difficult to discuss without both parties feeling hurt...

What would be her motivations to lose weight? Does she actually want to?

zaksmum

My O/H is a big man and does try to lose weight from time to time. Fortunately he's healthy though.

But he's still the same person I married over 41 years ago and I wouldn't change him for the world no matter how much extra weight he was carrying.

abailey54

Would going to relate be an option? If you don't want to touch her, be near her or even talk with her, it doesn't sound good.

If you've been encouraging her and her friends have been encouraging her, how does this make her feel? You may think that you're being supportive, but is that how she sees it? Losing weight can be really empowering, but not when you're doing it to please someone else sexually, or feel that affection is dependent upon how much you weigh

I know others here have pointed out that they would also find their partner unattractive if they put on loads of weight, but for me, sex is at least in part about enjoying giving pleasure to someone you love - having sex with the person, not just their bodies.

Would it help to remove your focus away from her (perceived) negative points and focus on all those good things you love her for e.g. giving you your children, helping to keep them healthy and happy before herself, supporting you through stressful times etc etc?

[Deleted User]

I hope she finds her confidence from within as that is where she is going to find it , there are things which don't HELP a persons confidence but yes she does have to find it for herself and not let any thing or any one knock it .... hard as it may seem , she is just as loveable overweight as her 'perfect' healthy weight as she is the same person inside but sounds like she has lost her vibrancy and I hope she gets it back either with your help or in spite of you as I believe she deserves love and cuddles and she gained weight giving birth to YOUR children remember!!!!!!!!!

Large people are sexy in their own right as are thin people , the worst thing is losing your confidence whatever size you are and I hope she finds hers for herself very soon! xx

( I have gained weight myself but this is me - I love and accept me as I am right at this moment in time , belly flab and all , and I refuse to lose my confidence for anyone and real sexiness comes from within ) :-) :-)

Errata

She won't change until she acknowledges she has a significant health problem and wants to change.

[Deleted User]

zaksmum wrote: »

My O/H is a big man and does try to lose weight from time to time. Fortunately he's healthy though.

But he's still the same person I married over 41 years ago and I wouldn't change him for the world no matter how much extra weight he was carrying.

Acceptance and love , that's what goes the distance and makes both parties feel secure in themselves and in the relationship and happy bunnies both in the relationship I reckon!

If he was feeling low about his weight am sure you would reassure him and raise his spirits! x

Having fun together goes a long way too :j:j

FatVonD

I can understand where the OP is coming from, he isn't saying he doesn't love his wife or he's going to leave her, he just doesn't find her attractive any more. 19st is not just voluptuous it is morbidly obese and I too would find it difficult to be physically attracted to somebody who was so overweight, however much I loved them.