Punishments for nasty bullying behaviour from a 14 y/o?

kitschkitty

I think a child with aspergers has enough trouble in the first place understanding that other people have thoughts and feelings (mental & physical), without punishing them with any kind of corporal punishment, as I don't think they really understand the "if you hurt someone I'll hurt you concept", also they may not have an understanding not to retaliate with more violence. Their thought process may not follow that linear path (as we see it).

Working out how to get them to understand why it is wholly unacceptable can be pretty darn difficult so I think the OP is doing very well to do all they can to try and make their son understand. It doesn't mean they are ignoring the seriousness of the situation, nor undermining what happened to their daughter, but it's accepting that they can't simply use methods that we might all use with a child who's not got aspergers.

Alchemilla

This strategy sounds like restorative justice which works well at our school. Sounds like a good plan.x

Sammie_03

pigpen can I ask some advice please?

I have a 7 year old DS who also has aspergers. He is becoming more and more violent towards my ds1 (aged 9) he tends to scratch at his face or clench his fists and hit him in the back or on the head. I have tried explaining this is very dangerous and not very nice behaviour at all but he still continues to act like this next time he becomes wound up. Do you think this behaviour will become worse in time and as he gets older? Was your son violent when he was younger? Sorry, I know you are also asking for advice on how to handle pretty much the same situation but thought you might be able to offer advice on the 'younger years'!
X

Dunroamin

Can you restrict(or stop) his TV viewing?

squibbs25

Hi pigpen,
You say he's been in the shed which he classes as a safe place, is it solely his space?
If not is there anyway you can decorate it and make the space solely his?
How would he find a punchbag and gloves to use for when he feels angry?
And a pad with pens so he can write his feelings as he may be able to express in his own way of writing what has upset him.

I'm not deflecting on why he's punched the little one, nearly trying to offer an alternative before it happens again.
I think your daughter explaining how he has hurt her would be better as from you he might think your taking sides (even though we all know your not, not in the context that your son would take it in).

Another thing would you be able to fit 5 minutes in daily with ds3 in his safe place where he has 1 to 1 with you, where he can talk or even do a little drawing with you or even a drink and a biscuit, even if you just chat to him about your day........

Sorry I have no better ideas as to how to deal with the matter in hand!

Pechow

Can you ask him why he thought that punching his sister in the stomach like that was the best response to her letting the cat in? Did he maybe think someone would think he did it and then punish him, and got angry at the thought, and hit her?

To those talking about corporal punishment-whatever your thoughts about whether it's appropriate or not, it's very unlikely to work here. Even if sat down and told why he'd been smacked/whatever, he'd probably not understand or see it that way, just that he'd been hurt, and view it as everyone vs. him. He could possibly even think that the sister had been the cause of him getting smacked, which wouldn't help their relationship.

kitschkitty's suggestion of something like art or music therapy/activities is good, if he isn't already doing something like that.

pigpen

Errata wrote: »

Sticking my head above the parapet. Why not concentrate on protecting your daughter from harm first, then think about what you can do about your son that will be effective? Sadly it sounds like your son is getting a bit handy with his fists.

He has never hit her before so it wasn't seen as necessary and it isn't really possible to follow him from room to room just on the off chance he might throw a wobbly.

CH27 wrote: »

Do you get much one to one time with him?
Teenage years can be hard & they need time & attention.

Yes probably more than with the others.

Sammie_03 wrote: »

pigpen can I ask some advice please?

I have a 7 year old DS who also has aspergers. He is becoming more and more violent towards my ds1 (aged 9) he tends to scratch at his face or clench his fists and hit him in the back or on the head. I have tried explaining this is very dangerous and not very nice behaviour at all but he still continues to act like this next time he becomes wound up. Do you think this behaviour will become worse in time and as he gets older? Was your son violent when he was younger? Sorry, I know you are also asking for advice on how to handle pretty much the same situation but thought you might be able to offer advice on the 'younger years'!
X

Mine was first referred to the educational psychologist and CAMHS at 6 after he attacked a new teacher at school.. he was not familiar with her and lashed out.. He would kick and bite and pinch when he was smaller. He went through a phase of strangling the now 12 y/o, that was hard to stop we had to keep going over and over the damage to the throat, brain etc but he hasn't done that for a while thank goodness!

daska

It takes 3 adults to restrain my 5 year old when he gets going so I feel for you and I'm pretty scared about what the future holds for me

One of my neighbours got her son to into growing plants from seed. If he threw a wobbly and lashed out the plants died and that upset him - which in turn, she reckoned, helped him understand not to lash out. Might that catch his interest?

pigpen

Dunroamin wrote: »

Can you restrict(or stop) his TV viewing?

We don't have a tv do he doesn't watch any.. pus he can't usually sit still to watch a whole film.

squibbs25 wrote: »

Hi pigpen,
You say he's been in the shed which he classes as a safe place, is it solely his space?
If not is there anyway you can decorate it and make the space solely his?
How would he find a punchbag and gloves to use for when he feels angry?
And a pad with pens so he can write his feelings as he may be able to express in his own way of writing what has upset him.

I'm not deflecting on why he's punched the little one, nearly trying to offer an alternative before it happens again.
I think your daughter explaining how he has hurt her would be better as from you he might think your taking sides (even though we all know your not, not in the context that your son would take it in).

Another thing would you be able to fit 5 minutes in daily with ds3 in his safe place where he has 1 to 1 with you, where he can talk or even do a little drawing with you or even a drink and a biscuit, even if you just chat to him about your day........

Sorry I have no better ideas as to how to deal with the matter in hand!

He goes in the shed, with the lawn mower and tins of paint and no one is allowed in when he is in there. He likes it as he is and he complained when I dared shift out some spiders!

Pechow wrote: »

Can you ask him why he thought that punching his sister in the stomach like that was the best response to her letting the cat in? Did he maybe think someone would think he did it and then punish him, and got angry at the thought, and hit her?

To those talking about corporal punishment-whatever your thoughts about whether it's appropriate or not, it's very unlikely to work here. Even if sat down and told why he'd been smacked/whatever, he'd probably not understand or see it that way, just that he'd been hurt, and view it as everyone vs. him. He could possibly even think that the sister had been the cause of him getting smacked, which wouldn't help their relationship.

kitschkitty's suggestion of something like art or music therapy/activities is good, if he isn't already doing something like that.

The only activity he wants to do regularly is play on the laptop, though we do play games online together and do have a chat facility on there. He has never expressed an interest in doing anything, he doesn't do sport and struggles with taking turns at things so games are difficult, even with just 2 playing.

He is all calm and pleasant now behaving like nothing has happened.

He let the cat out last night and the punishment was finding him again and putting him back out.. same rules as everyone else.. OH has lots of trouble catching cats.

Smacking him is not an option at all, he is 14 and 5ft 8 so my 5ft 3..

pigpen

daska wrote: »

It takes 3 adults to restrain my 5 year old when he gets going so I feel for you and I'm pretty scared about what the future holds for me

One of my neighbours got her son to into growing plants from seed. If he threw a wobbly and lashed out the plants died and that upset him - which in turn, she reckoned, helped him understand not to lash out. Might that catch his interest?

ooohh... I have some tomato growing kits.. That might be an idea..

He actually spent about 6 hours making paper blocks for his dads stove, he LOVED doing that. That was an activity to calm him down after a meltdown with his dad