Punishments for nasty bullying behaviour from a 14 y/o?

Kayalana99

elsien wrote: »

Sorry if I've missed this, but do you have any idea why he did it?
Without excusing the behaviour in any way, if he's not done it before there must have been some sort of trigger. Perhaps understanding that might give you an idea of how to take it forwards most effectively.
Yes he needs to know its wrong and he cannot behave like that without consequences. But you also need to work out how to stop it happening again. Punishment on its own won't necessarily do that.

Not to say who is right and wrong as an adult I now see that the punching outweights anything the DD could do to wind him up to do it...

But as a child we tend to find punishment hard to handle when we don't understand why its wrong! No end of times I hit my sister in a last resort because she wouldn't stop teasing me pushing my buttons and my parents didnt tell my sister of for teasing but as soon as I lashed out everything turned on me....so any punishment I was given went right over my head as I belived it was all her...so the circle contined. :rotfl:

pigpen

In defence if Thorsoak.. I would love to dish out the same punishment and pain he inflicted on his sister, however, as we all know, it is not appropriate for me to hit him and more than it is for him to hit her. It would give completely the wrong message though the primitive part of me really wants to! I know his dad does too.. I think it is a normal feeling on seeing a vulnerable individual put in danger or being hurt, we want to protect them and take away the danger or hurt... that doesn't mean actually carrying it out is correct. To feel it is ok, to carry it out is not.. I get that

Apparently he did it because she let the cat out of the kitchen into the house. The cat is old and senile and will toilet anywhere so he is restricted to rooms where the toddlers have restricted access and it can be easily cleaned up. Cat has food and water and access to outside and a safe warm place to snooze so isn't being mistreated. It is a bit ironic actually given he let him out last night.

This actually was made worse by the fact he walked home with the 12 year old and she came in wailing saying he has been horrible and nasty .. basically name calling nothing physical.

So.. laptop confiscated so he went on the Wii so that has been confiscated too.. along with all the other consoles etc.. he has had a flounce out to the shed in the garden. It is his 'safe place' where he retreats when everything gets overwhelming so I left him out there until he chose to come back in. It is impossible to speak to him when he is like that.

When he came in I explained (again) about DD4's problems and pain and how he would feel if she had been badly hurt (broken ribs for example) Which again became a tirade about how unfairly he is treated and no one cares and he wishes he was dead and we wish he was dead.. serious teenage stuff there! He tried twisting the conversation to when he was dx with diabetes which for once I turned around (I usually get sucked in and address his issues rather than the one in hand) and said if he wanted to talk about that we could but we need to sort out this issue with DD4 but we could come back to the diabetes when we are sorted... cue more hysteria.. and a flounce up the street which did concern me, but he was gone about 15 minutes and came back.. apparently he had nowhere to go because everyone hates him. I thought it was just girls said things like this!?

Anyway, we have come to the compromise he can do his maths homework under close supervision on the laptop, it is done online so not choice if he doesn't do it he gets a detention. He was sent to the shop which he hates and he and me and DD4 are going to sit down and talk about consequences ... not punishment. Hopefully she will come up with some heinous tasks for him.. .

He does realise fully how this has impacted on everyone, I think. She missed a trip she was looking forward to which he has had happen to him. He knows he shouldn't hurt other people and that they hurt just like him. We spoke about how he would feel if his friend had hurt DD4 or if OH had hurt her, I don't think he quite understood that though.

I know it looks like we have sugarcoated it, or I feel like it has been, but trying to get anything in his head takes a lot of chipping away.. I hoped his dad would back me up but he wouldn't even speak to DS3 when he came to collect the other 2 girls.

Thanks all.

Actually, I can now hear DS2 giving him an ear bending upstairs..

pigpen

Oh.. he had half an assessment with CAMHS 7 years ago, his worker left and he was not allocated another. The school nurse chased it and made new referrals and we got nowhere. SS just refer to CAMHS they offer support to the other children but not him, it seems a bit odd to me.

I am needing to speak to KIDs and have the NAS lady on my facebook so know she would offer any support she could. I just feel a bit of a fraud when a lot of the children are in special schools and having real problems integrating and our main issue seems to be his violence and anger.

We have had some input from the psychologist working with the diabetes team, he was threatening to OD on insulin and kill himself not so long ago. Unfortunately the guy who was dealing with him just left and has not yet been replaced.

I just feel like I can't make any progress with him at the moment and while I recognise some of it is teenage drama queening he does have a reason to be angry with certain aspects of his life, I just cannot find a way for him to express that anger without him ending up hurting someone, often himself. He punched himself in the face repeatedly until he had bruises and scratches and a bloody nose and lip after he broke the laptop screen.

thorsoak

Would he be able to accept the discipline/ritual of a karate class Pigpen?

pigpen

thorsoak wrote: »

Would he be able to accept the discipline/ritual of a karate class Pigpen?

No, we tried and he just went insane and attacked a boy he was meant to be sparring with.. it was a bit embarrassing actually. He then spent an hour wailing that the other boy had hit him.

thorsoak

OK - so that's not an option

j.e.j.

Person_one wrote: »

You have absolutely got to be kidding?

You think she should try to teach an autistic 14 year old that punching people is wrong by...punching him?

Apart from the fact that it would be a criminal act, he knows it hurts, that's why he did it!

Pigpen, I know you'll take offence at this but I have to say it anyway, I think some outside help would be a good idea for your family. Why don't you ring social services, tell them one of your children has been very violent towards the younger one and ask for some support?

Brothers (and sisters) do horrible things to their siblings, you can't go calling social services to sort fights out between kids! I doubt they'd even respond, tbh.

He was out of order. I'd ask him why he did it and take it from there. Corporal punishment (now sadly lacking in our schools/homes since crackpot child psychiatrists decided that disciplining the child like that might traumatise them..) might make him think twice before doing something like that again, but it's better if he can be reasoned with and made to feel sorry for what he did. Persuasion is better than brute force.

Errata

Sticking my head above the parapet. Why not concentrate on protecting your daughter from harm first, then think about what you can do about your son that will be effective? Sadly it sounds like your son is getting a bit handy with his fists.

kitschkitty

Would any kind of art therapy be of any use to him (not knowing his needs or personality), anything from banging drums, to making "real" music, painting, drawing, squishing some clay, something with a physical aspect?

Sorry if it's a rubbish suggestion.

CH27

Do you get much one to one time with him?
Teenage years can be hard & they need time & attention.