Punishments for nasty bullying behaviour from a 14 y/o?

pigpen

DS3 (has aspergers) aged 14 this morning punched.. man punch not boy punch.. my 10 year old daughter in the tummy. Apparently he held her shoulder and punched her hard in the tummy and winded her. She didn't tell me until he had gone to school so I have not been able to confront him about this yet.. he will be home in about half an hour!

Right now I want to do the same to him and put him in a straight jacket for the foreseeable... obviously this is not a reasonable course of action. His dad is refusing to have him visit! which is possibly less reasonable and passing the whole episode to me to deal with..

He has lost his laptop for at least a week if he has homework he can use one in the room where I am and it will go away when he is done. Banning him from going out or after school activities won't work as he does none. He never has friends round as they live too far away so I am very restricted in what sanctions we can use.

At the moment I cannot think logically about this, I'll be better later.

My daughter has been sent home from school, spoiled her 100% attendance record. She has cerebral palsy and a few other conditions which cause her pain anyway so if she says she is hurting she really is. She was picked up by her dads gf as I was at an appointment typically so I have not been able to speak to her either.

So, other than losing his lappy and getting a severe earchewing what would be a reasonable punishment? This is the first time he has ever done anything out of normal 'sibling squabbling' to the 10 y/o.

thorsoak

He did this because he could! Taking away his laptop and giving him GBH of the earhole will not stop him the next time he feels like hurting someone smaller and more vulnerable than himself.

I have deleted the remainder of my post as the suggestion that I made was not appropriate to Pigpen's son.

Gillyx

Hmmm it really depends on the individual and what is a punishment to one isn't to another iyswim? How about chores (stuff that he doesn't do already and is able to do?)

Alchemilla

Oh dear piggers.
All I think I know is that withdrawal of attention is very effective and that using physical punishment only teaches him that hitting is ok.
Im sure you will sort it out.x

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

I know I'll be flamed for this - but, in my opinion the physical pain he inflicted upon your daughter should be inflicted upon him - so that he knows how much it hurts

You have absolutely got to be kidding?

You think she should try to teach an autistic 14 year old that punching people is wrong by...punching him?

Apart from the fact that it would be a criminal act, he knows it hurts, that's why he did it!

Pigpen, I know you'll take offence at this but I have to say it anyway, I think some outside help would be a good idea for your family. Why don't you ring social services, tell them one of your children has been very violent towards the younger one and ask for some support?

thorsoak

Kayalana99 wrote: »

But as adults we need to teach our children that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Doing it back to them and telling them not to do it to others will just make them resentful and is basicly teaching them its ok to hit others who have inflicted pain on them.

Deleted - my initial post was completely inappropriate!

mumonashoestring

How about something that helps him put his behaviour in context - you inflicted harm on your sister, therefore you are going to do (x) to help her in order to show that you understand that your behaviour was wrong'. Is there something he could do for her (a pet that could be cleaned out or another chore he could do that specifically helps her)?

I have to ask as well, does he definitely understand HOW wrong his behaviour was? I was at school with a couple of boys with aspergers and they would definitely have struggled to understand what would make this worse than, say, a little shove or push.

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

Knowing Pigpen from her posts, this 14 year old already knows that this behaviour is unacceptable. He punched his little sister because he could - even though he knew it was unacceptable. It is for this reason that I advocate meting out the same treatment to him as he has given his sister.

If she did that, she'd be breaking the law, it would be assault.

Technically, the 14 year old has committed assault too, a punch in the stomach hard enough to wind and cause pain that lasts hours is not 'punishment'.

thorsoak

First of all - apologies for speed reading - I failed to pick up on the point that this is the son with Aspergers - I am going to go back and delete my posts because of course, the course of action I advocated would be competely and utterly wrong and irresponsible in these circumstances.

decogecko

Can you get him to help you around the house?

Do you give your children set chores each week? Could he do DD3's as well as his own?

Could you get your DD to speak to him (we you mediating) and tell him how much it hurt (I'm thinking along the lines of something the local police did - victims of crime give their side/feelings). But that maybe a bit wishy-washy.

Deco x

gingin_2

I think outside help is needed too, does he have any sort of help already, someone that you can turn to? I know you have a lot of children, how can you know they are safe when a 14 year old thinks it's okay to man punch a 10 year old? There has got to be a huge physical difference between them and it must have been emotionally upsetting as well as physically painful for her.

I have similar aged children and as much as I love my son, I would seriously consider calling the police and hopefully a PCSO would have a word with him.