a mess

thorsoak

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

I know im a bad person and i know ive done wrong, Im trying to fix it. I dont want to be jelous of his new mistress, or how happy he is. I dont want to be like that I could have continued with the affair if i really wanted to but i didnt as ultimetly i knew it was wrong and that i wanted it to work out with my partner. i am going to discuss the bedroom stuff with my partner (he knows there is issues here)

Im not looking for sympathy but im not looking for abuse either, im just looking for an understanding as to why after a year i feel upset and jelous of the new mistress . i dont want to feel like that. x

Read what you have written, teaandcakesplease!

You are talking about your cheating lover here - not your OH! And you are showing more passion in talking about him than you show when referring to the father of your baby!

You really have an awful lot of self-searching to do - and you are not being fair to yourself or your current partner, imo!

Joons

victory wrote: »

You saying you could have continued with the affair if you had wanted to is not helping with the sympathy or understanding towards you, comes across as you not grasping the damage you could have caused ....

.....and how did it take you a year to realise it was wrong, was the sex that good? You did this all the while being in a relationship with your OH and you say you love him.....strange kind of love it sounds.

And, now you're upset at the guy you slept with cos he's done the same thing again. You're probably upset cos you're the type of person who does what they want, when they want and when someone else does it before you, you don't like it. Sorry, but that's how you're coming across.

zzzLazyDaisy

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

Im not looking for sympathy but im not looking for abuse either, im just looking for an understanding as to why after a year i feel upset and jelous of the new mistress . i dont want to feel like that. x

You feel upset and jealous because feelings are not rational. You can rationalise everything in your head as much as you want, it won't necessarily change how you feel.

You need to put this behind you and move on. Which is easy to say and much harder to do. You have taken the right step by cutting all contact with your ex-lover. Now you need to try and find a way to help you find a way to sort out your relationship problems and how to go forward (which may or may not involve telling your husband about the affair, only you can decide that).

Have you considered going to relate for counselling? You don't have to go as a couple, they do see people on their own. Once you have had chance to talk through these issues and feelings with someone on confidence, you may have a better understanding of what happened and how to deal with it.

Good luck, you made a grave error of judgement, but no-one's perfect, people make mistakes.

marisco_2

victory wrote: »

you comes across as you not grasping the damage you could have caused ....

Unless you have been cheated on you cannot comprehend how it feels. You are left devestated, you feel stupid, used, betrayed and lied to. You spend the whole time questioning what you did wrong, how things could go so wrong. Wondering why your partner could not talk to you. Then there are the long term effects of ever feeling able to trust in someone else again and form new relationships.

Someone cold and calculated enough to have an affair is either not able, or chooses not to, acknowledge any of this.

Joons

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

, you made a grave error of judgement, but no-one's perfect, people make mistakes.

I agree, nobody is perfect, and we do all make mistakes, most don't last a year though.

marisco_2

Joons wrote: »

I agree, nobody is perfect, and we do all make mistakes, most don't last a year though.

An affair is not a mistake it is a cold and calculated decision. Mistakes can be discussed, worked round and forgiven. Rarely can a couple do that when one has been unfaithful by having an affair.

Joons

marisco wrote: »

An affair is not a mistake it is a cold and calculated decision. Mistakes can be discussed, worked round and forgiven. Rarely can a couple do that when one has been unfaithful by having an affair.

I agree, although some couples do survive affairs and get better, also, like this lady, some are never uncovered and the relationship continues.

It's just a horrible thing to do to your partner imo, the worse thing ever. The OP is coming across to me like a spoilt little girl. Dry your eyes, your bit on the side is a creep by the sounds of it, when you think of him and his next mistress, remind yourself how hurt your OP would be if he knew about all of this, that should help put it in better perspective for you.

teaandcupcakesplease

hey! i know im wrong, i know what the problem is with my relationship i just need to find the solution. I would be devastated if my partner did that to me. i will never ever cheat again trust me.

Joons

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

hey! i know im wrong, i know what the problem is with my relationship i just need to find the solution. I would be devastated if my partner did that to me. i will never ever cheat again trust me.

Here's a thought, perhaps your OH has had an affair or more, after all, he's not been getting any action from you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has.

I honestly would try and get this fixed, if it can be as it sounds like it will just be a matter of time before you do the same kind of thing again.

teaandcupcakesplease

i wouldnt be surprised if he did either.

i want it fixed it was getting fixed i just dont know why im so bothered about his new mistress!!