a mess

aileth

VestanPance wrote: »

Marriage isn't for everyone, be that for any number of reasons. I have no issue with that. That is something each couple will decide for themselves.

That said, people should be aware that having a child together is a far bigger commitment than any marriage/partnership. You should only be thinking of starting a family once you are very secure in a relationship and see a long term future for the relationship be that married or otherwise.

Very good point indeed, but the sad thing is most times I've heard is due to fear of commitment, which really the mind boggles at.

neverdespairgirl

You keep going on about "abuse", but I don't see much abuse in this thread.

This is the internet! Thread creep happens.

marisco_2

VestanPance wrote: »

That said, people should be aware that having a child together is a far bigger commitment than any marriage/partnership. You should only be thinking of starting a family once you are very secure in a relationship and see a long term future for the relationship be that married or otherwise.

I agree with this. To bring a child into a relationship that isn't strong and stable risks them suffering seeing their parents eventually split and going through all the pain and heartache that inevitably brings. Children deserve to be raised feeling safe, secure, loved and with both parents there for them. They have far happier childhoods that way.

victory

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

All

If you read my original post i did not ask the following questions-

Am i a bad person?
Should i tell him?
im not married but having a child - which one is more important?
is having a child a big commitment?

I already know the answers to these.

The reason why i am snapping is because we are just going round in circles, i am not the victim, i understand Karma, and i dont want sympathy. I knew i would get some flack posting but i honestly didnt think people would start to get abusive.

perhaps someone can tell me how i go about deleting this thread as whilst some of the posts (positive and negative) have been very helpful some are not helping my frame of mind. Im sorry if i have come accross in a negative way and i thank all of you for taking the time to post. x

Abuse what abuse? If posts are not to your liking that is not abuse, that is an opinion, varient in degrees but it is not abuse.

Your frame of mind? Are you depressed? You seem to be very touchy and see or read things differently to the way they have been written, depression does that, you see things that are not there, it hightens the senses, makes everything look blacker and deeper than it actually is.

Are you lonely, do you feel isolated, tormented, depressed, unhappy? If you are dealing with the guilt alone it is a very heavy burden to handle

Metranil_Vavin

I think the moral of the tale is, don't post about very personal, very sensitive issues on a public forum. You're always going to get people who say stuff you don't want to hear and get judgemental opinion that you didn't want.

I havent had a chance to read this whole thread, and I can see OP wants it deleted now, which is understandable.

OP maybe try talking all this over with a close friend, or even if it is affecting your mental health then maybe try and talk it through with a counsellor. I have done that in the past, and whilst it didn't really help me it is nice to be able to offload everything onto a non-judgemental pair of ears.

Metranil_Vavin

Oh and just to add, pregnancy hormones can send you quite batty with emotion.

I'm pregnant myself and can be fine one day and weeping my eyes out another. Probably all this emotion is heightened due to this also.

piglet74

your OP says a year long affair has ended....but then you continue to say that you are still in contact with this man via FB / text...well then IMO..the affair has not ended...you may not be still having $ex with this man.. but you are "carrying on" to some degree behind your partners back,

skattykatty

OP - it's clear that you have reflected on your actions and want to go forward into the next phase of your life. You are not a bad person for having had an affair and for not having told your partner. Affairs are, of course, very emotive subjects for discussion and there will be polarised opinions. But they are just opinions, just as this is just an opinion. It isn't right or wrong. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. They probably point to something in you/your life that needs attention. If your affair was with someone with whom you felt more compatitble sexually, then clearly you are going to feel jealous of his new sexual partner (not his 'domestic' partner - there is something about domesticity that, perhaps, doesn't seem very sexy???) I don't have the impression that you felt anything other than horny for this man! You have cut contact with him - excellent. You are ready for the next phase of your life...who knows what it will bring? If nothing else, then finding a way of being able to communicate about your sexual needs, is vital. You've been with your partner a long time, I don't know how old you were when you both met and what your, and your partner's, previous relationship history is (and I don't need to know!) but I can imagine a situation when people get together and kind of get into a rut OR the initial shyness to discuss the nitty gritty of sexual needs fans out into a long relationship that stutters at openly discussing sex. BUT if you do love your partner, you will find a way and, if he does love you, he will find a way too...there comes a point when the past has to be let go of, otherwise you'll just get stuck in a rut. I'm talking about the affair - PAST, as well as the issues around sex in your long term relationship - they can be past too.

Having said all that, I totally understand how you want to delete this thread. If you don't have a friend you can confide in then please go get help from a counsellor who will listen without prejudice! take care

thorsoak

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

absolutely he is a liar and a cheat (i am too) but the difference with me is that i have stopped it and will never go there again. I made a brutal mistake i know this.

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

'm a bad person, im this that and the next thing,

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

Im well aware of what a nasty person I am

T&CCP : I have gone right back to the beginning of this thread, and there is only one person accusing you of being a Bad/Nasty Person - and that is yourself!

Please stop beating yourself over your behaviour - it changes nothing - but what matters now is how YOU behave, and how you think - about your future and the future of your relationship.

Stop thinking about what has happened - and start concentrating on what will happen.

Caitlin_Bree

I think the biggest problem you're facing with the question that you're asking, is that there is no answer. You want to turn off your feelings and there is no way to do that. You can't ignore what you feel, it's a big overwhelming emotion. It doesn't have to be rational or logical.. some things just are.

Seeing as you already know what you're going to do (whether that's the best decision or not, before anyone chips in) I think the best thing you can do is manage the feelings you have if you're unable to disregard them.Which means acknowledging what you feel (no matter how unpalatable) but realising that it's not going to kill you and not acting on it.

I assume what you're feeling at the moment is similiar to having been dumped..wanting to do the phone thing etc.. your ego has taken a kick-in and and I expect your boyfriend has been unconsciously consoling you if you've been that upset about it.

I don't think you can get over someone when you have reminders of them around. I would recommend some kind of ceremonial breakage of ties, but I think you may have already done that.. and the feelings are still there.
I don't expect you'll be coming back to this thread but on the offchance that you do.. I was wondering if you would have given up your relationship for your affair had he been willing to leave his wife and mistress for you?