a mess

Dunroamin

I'm puzzled as to why you're jealous of this guy's new fling but not of his partner who's the mother of his child.

ruby-roo_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

I'm puzzled as to why you're jealous of this guy's new fling but not of his partner who's the mother of his child.

Why would you be jealous of anyone, permanently linked because of a child, to that phillanderer. I pity her, not envy her.

teaandcupcakesplease

thorsoak wrote: »

With respect, t&ccp, you came on this board, wanting advice about your mess ......when you post on a public forum, you will get all sorts of advice.

You seem to want to expurgate your guilt here - but you object when people criticise your actions/motives.

Have you actually spoken to your OH, and told him about the affair? Are you going to be honest with him? It will be difficult for you to keep this to yourself forever, you know.

And life with a young baby can be tedious and unexciting ....what will happen when next you crave excitement?

Yes I did want advice re my mess not criticism about my actions or motives. I'm well aware of what a nasty person I am

thehappybutterfly

It's human nature to feel the way you're feeling Cupcake (sorry, your name is just too long!). You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either. And the fact that you ended it but he's not sitting pining for you must feel crap. I'm assuming that's what you wanted and expected when you finished with him? Him begging you to reconsider, maybe you imagined him sat at home miserable and missing you like crazy?

The reality is, you were just sex for him and when your services were no longer available, he moved onto the next one. He doesn't care about you and you know it and it hurts.

My advice is to completely cut him out your life - not just fb and phone - but photos, mutual friends, old emails, absolutely every scrap of contact you ever had.

Focus all your attention on your partner and your pregnancy. You have a chance to start again. Maybe some good can come out of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning your affair - I'm very anti-cheating - but I don't think any good can come out of you confessing. And definitely don't tell him as a way of easing your guilt - that's your personal punishment because you should be feeling very guilty. If you genuinely love your partner, make a real effort to rekindle your relationship. I'm assuming your had passionate feelings for him in the beginning? Perhaps they were clouded by that cheating rat?

And how the hell did you manage to hide a year long affair from your partner? I had a wee crush on a workmate and you've no idea of how guilty I felt. I felt like I was 'cheating' on my hubby even though I'd not anything more than mild flirting. I couldn't cheat on my hubby, no matter how bad things got. I'd leave before I'd embark on an affair. Were you wracked with guilt for the duration of the affair or did you even give your partner a second thought during your 'passionate' sex sessions with lover boy?

Hmmm, I'm now rethinking my sympathy and compassion for you.

teaandcupcakesplease

Butterfly. It was a year but as and when if you get my drift. Not every week ,day or fortnight but would text everyday. I don't condone what I have done either I felt guilty every time I was with him knowing that if my partner Did that to me I'd be gutted. I agree with all you said thankx

thehappybutterfly

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

Butterfly. It was a year but as and when if you get my drift. Not every week ,day or fortnight but would text everyday. I don't condone what I have done either I felt guilty every time I was with him knowing that if my partner Did that to me I'd be gutted. I agree with all you said thankx

That's worse Cupcake. An affair because you're unhappy at home and in love with someone else is bad enough but this was clearly all about the sex. Face it, you were being used. Good on you for finishing it - but you haven't finished it emotionally and that's the most critical thing to do if you really want to make a go of it with your partner.

Please tell me marriage isn't around the corner? I know you're pregnant but don't even think about getting married until you've resolved all your relationship issues.

thorsoak

I'm well aware of what a nasty person I am

You aren't a "nasty person" - you are a bored woman in an unexciting relationship who has been seeking adventure elsewhere. This sort of negative thinking is not going to help you at all. As I said, what is done, is done.

You are pregnant - you are going to have a child soon - you have to concentrate upon the baby and what you plan to do about your relationship. Now is the time to grow up and take control of your own life, and how you will care for your child.

teaandcupcakesplease

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

That's worse Cupcake. An affair because you're unhappy at home and in love with someone else is bad enough but this was clearly all about the sex. Face it, you were being used. Good on you for finishing it - but you haven't finished it emotionally and that's the most critical thing to do if you really want to make a go of it with your partner.

Please tell me marriage isn't around the corner? I know you're pregnant but don't even think about getting married until you've resolved all your relationship issues.

No I won't be getting married x

Dunroamin

ruby-roo wrote: »

Why would you be jealous of anyone, permanently linked because of a child, to that phillanderer. I pity her, not envy her.

Envy and jealousy are totally different emotions.

neverdespairgirl

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning your affair - I'm very anti-cheating - but I don't think any good can come out of you confessing. And definitely don't tell him as a way of easing your guilt - that's your personal punishment because you should be feeling very guilty.

I don't think telling him or otherwise is about whether you are anti-affair.

I think it's about giving the partner back some of the choices the OP's taken away from him.