a mess

Stonecaster

I've read through this thread with increasing concern for you Cupcake. So far the vast majority of the posters have been very judgmental and condemning of you. However, I don't think that is helpful as you obviously condemn yourself enough already. You know that what you did was wrong and have clearly said that you are determined not to do it again. You've made a decision to stay with your OH and have a child with a man you love. You are trying to cut the other man out of your life but are honest enough to admit to finding this difficult and brave enough to ask for help. The last thing you need when trying to rebuild your relationship, especially during your pregnancy, is more worry and stress.

I don’t know if you have any religious beliefs but one of the best sermons I ever heard was on the meeting between Jesus and the adulteress. The passage is in John Ch 8 starting at verse 2:

But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women.* So what do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin anymore.”

It is clear from this that unless we are without fault ourselves we should not be condemning others, even for something as serious as adultery. Jesus does not condemn the woman for what she has done but he simply tells her she must not do it again. The sermon I heard tried to explain how, unless we know all the background and unless we have walked in someone else’s shoes ourselves, we are not in a position to really understand or judge others.

It is very easy for female posters who've never been in the situation where they consistently want sex more often than their male partners to be sanctimonious. However much 'equality' we have nowadays it is still the case, in the media at least, that men are portrayed as having at least as high a sex drive as women and, when that is not the case, it is hard not to feel really rejected as a woman. Whilst I am no way condoning this, it is unsurprising that a long-term lack of sex and the feelings of being unattractive and rejected lead some women to have an affair.

Having said that, when one makes the decision to end an affair, it is tempting to confess all to the OH and beg for his forgiveness. However, the desire to confess can be a desire to rid oneself of guilt. Doing this would just transfer the pain and suffering the person is feeling onto their OH. I suspect that some of the PPs who have advised you tell your OH are those that have found out through another means that their OH has cheated on them. Conversely, I think that the punishment for having an affair is the guilt one must carry for the rest of one’s life and that the only way to atone for what one has done is to make a solemn vow to oneself never to do this again and to do everything one can to build a happy and fulfilling relationship with one’s OH.

In order to build that fulfilling relationship with your OH, you need to let go of the man you had an affair with. I don’t think you are unusual to find it difficult to hear that the man you were having the affair with is now happily ensconced with another partner. Human nature dictates that even when we are the one ending a relationship, we feel miffed (to say the least) if the other person replaces us quickly and/or easily. However, have you considered that this man might just be boosting his own ego when he tells you how happy he is with his new woman? You say the sex with him was fantastic, so he is likely to be an ‘Alpha male’ who wouldn’t have taken kindly to you ending the affair. His pride has probably been dented (especially if he knows you are pregnant) and telling you he is now happier than ever with someone else is a sure fire way of getting back at you. I think you’ve done the right thing deleting all methods of contact with him. Time will heal and I’m sure that if you can improve your intimacy with your OH you will find that the other man will soon be a distant memory.

If I were you, I’d concentrate on building your relationship with your OH and getting some help with your sex life. If you can afford it, I can really recommend seeing a tantric teacher called Leora Lightwoman. You can have 1:1 sessions with her on your own or as a couple or go on one of her courses (google diamondlighttantra).

My DH and I had problems similar to yours and he was very reluctant to see a sex therapist. However, he was prepared to try this and we have been to see her as a couple and have also done several of her courses. Her methods are very gentle; you go at your own pace, doing only what you both feel comfortable with. She helped us get closer and feel more intimate in every way and I can thoroughly recommend her, particularly for someone in your situation. I’m sure she would be happy to see you while you are pregnant as putting this off until after the birth is just delaying improving things for the long term and, once you have a baby, you will probably find it more difficult to find time and money to see anyone to help you.
Good luck for the future.

aileth

Am I the only one who face-palms when somebody is quite happy to have a baby but refuses to get married?

teaandcupcakesplease

aileth wrote: »

Am I the only one who face-palms when somebody is quite happy to have a baby but refuses to get married?

not being funny but people dont have to get married to have a child. what century are we living in??

aileth

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

not being funny but people dont have to get married to have a child. what century are we living in??

One where people see marriage as a bigger commitment than children it seems.

victory

stonecaster very apt name because I would say it is always best to speak for oneself not make a sweeping statement that all others have been judgemental and condeming of what tea has done and said.

tea the moment someone does not agree with you, you snap at them, one sentence replies, telling people if they don't have anything constructive to say don't say anything at all:eek:

It doesn't work that way, you put a question on a public forum and there are thousands that will read it and thousands of different reactions/posts/thoughts about it.....

tea if you wanted this fantastic sex you craved with Mr affair, you could have tried to get it within your relationship is what is coming across, you could have been honest with your partner, communicated with him, offered up some ideas, tried to work through it together.

To go and find it elsewhere for a year, to lie about it, be deceitful and then go back within the relationship and have a child continuing as if nothing has happened is disrespectful to your partner, harming you, making your relationship full of holes rather than secure, complete and happy, no one benefits on this one.

make_me_wise

victory wrote: »

tea the moment someone does not agree with you, you snap at them, one sentence replies, telling people if they don't have anything constructive to say don't say anything at all:eek:

I have noticed this too :cool:

It doesn't come across well at all. Quite clearly the OP can only be polite in response to posters telling her exactly what she wants to hear. Anyone who has the audacity to say it as it is and point out to her that what she has done is wrong gets replied to in a rude, snappy manner.

From what she has disclosed she is use to riding rough shot over people, only doing what she wants and to hell with how others feel about her and her actions. Never more so than with the man she proclaims to love

This guy has trusted in her enough to build a life with her and start a family with her. I doubt very much that he would choose to do that with her if he knew the truth. Will she be telling him and letting him decide what he would like to do. No of course she wont. That would mean facing what she is and what she has done and putting someone else and their feelings and thoughts before her own.

Something she is demonstrating on this thread over and over again that she is incapable of doing.

*Sits back and waits for a rude, snappy one liner from the OP telling me how wrong I have got it *

VestanPance

Paddles wrote: »

I agree with the above. I don't really see what your partner will gain from you telling him now, it seems cruel.

Having the affair was cruel.

Telling him about it allows him to make the choice of what he wants to do with regards to the relationship now that he was the truth of things. Yes, it'll hurt to tell him but the cruelty is in the action not in the telling of it.

Although to be perfectly blunt on the subject this should have all been brought to light long before deciding to get pregnant, as having a child is the biggest commitment anyone will ever have.

neverdespairgirl

Stonecaster wrote: »

Having said that, when one makes the decision to end an affair, it is tempting to confess all to the OH and beg for his forgiveness. However, the desire to confess can be a desire to rid oneself of guilt. Doing this would just transfer the pain and suffering the person is feeling onto their OH. I suspect that some of the PPs who have advised you tell your OH are those that have found out through another means that their OH has cheated on them. Conversely, I think that the punishment for having an affair is the guilt one must carry for the rest of one’s life and that the only way to atone for what one has done is to make a solemn vow to oneself never to do this again and to do everything one can to build a happy and fulfilling relationship with one’s OH.

"Don't be judgmental" you say in one breath, and then decide that some of the people saying "tell your partner" must be doing it as their own spouses have cheated on them, and they found out some other way!

Speaking as someone who said that she should tell him, I've never been cheated on. So I've not told by someone else, or found out in some other way, or anything.

Rather, my opinion stems from a belief that it is essential for an individual to be able to make decisions based on reality, and that is is demeaning and undermining to have those decisions made for you, by someone whose motives are distinctly mixed.

I've never been a fan of not telling people things "for their own good" in other ways, for example, not telling children people are seriously ill, and then confronting those children with death out of nowhere.

VestanPance

aileth wrote: »

Am I the only one who face-palms when somebody is quite happy to have a baby but refuses to get married?

Marriage isn't for everyone, be that for any number of reasons. I have no issue with that. That is something each couple will decide for themselves.

That said, people should be aware that having a child together is a far bigger commitment than any marriage/partnership. You should only be thinking of starting a family once you are very secure in a relationship and see a long term future for the relationship be that married or otherwise.

teaandcupcakesplease

All

If you read my original post i did not ask the following questions-

Am i a bad person?
Should i tell him?
im not married but having a child - which one is more important?
is having a child a big commitment?

I already know the answers to these.

The reason why i am snapping is because we are just going round in circles, i am not the victim, i understand Karma, and i dont want sympathy. I knew i would get some flack posting but i honestly didnt think people would start to get abusive.

perhaps someone can tell me how i go about deleting this thread as whilst some of the posts (positive and negative) have been very helpful some are not helping my frame of mind. Im sorry if i have come accross in a negative way and i thank all of you for taking the time to post. x