FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

rockie4 wrote: »

Hope you're feeling a bit stronger now Tay

I've been going through something similar...I love my new flat, the people there are really nice and welcoming, the cat loves it there . I'm getting everything sorted slowly but surely but the other day I was browsing the internet looking for a holiday after I retire when I realised I was looking at Barmouth where OH and I had some good times I had the 'have I done the right thing' moment and got quite sad for a while.... I put it into perspective when I realised that in the 25 years we were together I was only really happy with him for about 5 years in total .

When my dad died I remember my mum saying she must remember the bad times whenever she got upset, at the time I thought that was awful even though life with my dad was pretty dreadful at times (alcoholic, abusive, womaniser) but having lived through a similar experience myself I now know she was right!! For every good time we had there were an awful lot more bad times I'm not going to get bitter about it, after all I was the one who chose to marry him despite a lot of people (his mum included) who warned me about him but of course I thought I knew better and that he would change if I was caring and supportive.............

I'm gaining strength from my mum even though she died 12 years ago, my life has mirrored hers in many ways, after dad died she got a little flat, furnished it as she wanted it and had 20 years of happiness on her own I'm hoping I can do the same.

Sorry for waffling but please, stay strong, you have done amazingly well up to now.

:grouphug:

Aw rockie4, I'm so glad that you're loving your new flat, that's wonderful. :A You deserve every happiness.

I'm sure that I'll feel the same about places that we went together, especially places we went to often or that I only visited with him. Hadn't thought of that yet.

I'm glad that you've had your own 'what have I done' moment, it must be a rite of passage in our situation lol! Keep me posted on your progress xx

teawithmilk wrote: »

Hi Tayforth, so glad to hear you are OK (ish) ...you are doing great..one step at a time....

The Occy Health doctors really know what they are talking about in terms of returning to work- they send a report to your manager and if thats what they have recommended then fortunately your manager can't argue with that- its not in their interest to hurry you back to work if you are not emotionally ready...have they suggested a phased return to work to to you when you are ready? We use that where I work and it has really helped to give some of my colleagues/staff the confidence and strength to return after various health issues, e.g. starting with 1 day per week, then building up each week to full return to work...rather than throwing you in the deep end with a 5 day week!

Thanks TWM. Yes, I'll go for a phased return if it's offered, which I'm sure it will be.

How are things with you? I haven't read your thread in weeks but you've been in my thoughts often. PM me if you like xxx

mcja wrote: »

Baby steps Tay, its been a long journey, and you're still going. Doing bl00dy well though.

Remember the good times, you loved him once, but don't let those taint the memory of the bad things he did, and how he made you feel. You will find the strength to get through this bit, as you have done lately.

Noone on here said it would be easy (I really want to write "no one ever said it would be this hard") but read and remember the posts from survivors.

Be strong, and you will be ok.
xx

Thank you mcja, very wise words. Baby steps is true! But I'll get there.

tayforth

danandjens_worldtravels wrote: »

Or... not posting is a part of the process of moving on, she's gotten through the decision and the action and now is onto the everyday.

Thinking about updating us and revisiting this long and emotional thread may not be what she needs, instead Tayforth is focused on what is happening now and next without the reminder of what has been before.

I hope she still reads this and knows that we all wish her the very best and gets some support from knowing we all care and she can come back anytime.

It sounds crazy, but I put positive thoughts into the universe, (usually when I catch myself at a fantastic moment and realise my fortune.) These thoughts are directed at friends and family and to people who may need some good vibes - hope you caught one Tay

What an incredibly sweet thing to do! I'm so touched!

Thanks also for the rest of your post, it's very much appreciated.

I do need this thread, and I'm really glad that it exists - I've read over it time and again and will continue to do so. I hope that your wonderful support and advice has helped others in the same situation. And I promise more regular updates.

tayforth

OK, bed is calling, sorry that I didn't get to reply to everyone, but thanks so much for your lovely words. I'll be back on tomorrow Goodnight xxx

tayforth

Wol2 wrote: »

I second this Tay - I am self-employed so luckily have had the flexibility to choose when I want to work and have had savings to support me in the interim. However I've not been proactive in seeking new business and I now find it difficult to concentrate/work full time/achieve deadlines because I've got "used to not working"....and my somewhat substantial savings have now run out :eek:.

Re the travelling - I would also support not making any more life changing decisions at the moment given you've just made a pretty impressive one:T :T and are now starting to adjust/stablise .......;)

When I left my ex just before the millennium, I blew a load of savings on a plush two week holiday to Mauritius. At the time I was awaiting the scan result of having a possible brain tumour... which thankfully was benign. I have never regretted that holiday... or the money...(or the business class flight LOL)....it was a major milestone in my recovery.

Most importantly it introduced me to the idea of "single woman traveller" ....without the commitment longer term. And with hindsight. I really wasn;t in the best place to make a decision that might affect my long term future. I actually put a lot of research into the possibility of emigrating there :eek:....but I finally realised it wouldn;t have worked out given my circumstances at the time....it was a knee-jerk idealised reaction to escaping my ex. :cool:

For info: I found Mauritius was very "safe" for single women...apart from getting chatted up on the beach by a 17year old looking for a sugar mummy and a UK Passport :eek::rotfl:. I subsequently found the Caribbean islands slightly more predatory .......but my last holiday was in Mexico 5 years ago and it was lovely. Have to say though, I always chose to stay at top notch all inclusive hotels with a gym and just chill out on the beach with the odd arranged tour, because I found this the most safe and relaxing environment for me at the time.

One other point - I left my ex when I was 41. Never had kids with him because I just knew it would "enable him to control me even more".....don;t have a long term partner or kids now. So I'm just approaching 52 years old, and I am actually quite comfortable now with my life as it currently is ...although I would actually like a job that suits ....so i can take another holiday :rotfl:

I guess the point I;m making is that the world is still your oyster and I think you should give yourself time to adjust to "the now and here" before making big decisions. You have had to cope with an awful lot...and you have come out the other side.....WELL DONE.:T:T:T

I would respectfully suggest it might be more preferable to consolidate and put down some anchors now...including going back to your current workplace......before you make any further decisions to "upend yourself"...By all means. book a holiday in the area where you think you might like to travel and go for a recce! By all means have dreams and aspirations and targets.........but also please treat yourself gently as you have just come from an extremely damaging relationship which can affect your judgement, and getting free does affect us in different ways. I'm worried that you not wishing to "re-engage" with work is a possible effect for you?

Please don;t rush into any decisions atm. Please don;t jeopardise your current income/tent pegs that going back to work will provide you with, amidst the rest of the turmoil. That "albeit short-term" stability you have now established shouldn;t be underestimated - as I'm sure you will understand from my last PM

Much love and hugs to a fellow survivor
xxx

By the way, I never did get to talk about all the wonderful points made in this post - sorry Wol2. But I will get back to it, I promise!

rockie4

Oh, I'm so pleased to hear from you again! I think we were all a bit worried about you

I think my house has sold :eek: Had a very good offer - less than the asking price but more than the minimum price I had worked on so.......fingers crossed....xxxxx

OH is being fine at the moment, he seems to have accepted the situation now, I've been up a couple of times to sort stuff out..........OMG have we accumulated some cr*p over the years He's been much better about the car sharing since I decided he could have it after we sell ( I want a new one )

I agree with you about clearing out, I have lots of 'stuff' at the house that I thought I wanted but I've realised I don't need it so the local hospice charity shop is going to do quite well - I can't be bothered selling it so I'd rather it went to a good cause. I like my new minimalist way of living

Have you made any decision about going back to work yet and about seeing a counsellor?

Mine has been brilliant, she wants to keeping seeing me until I finish at Christmas (did I say I'm going to retire on 18th December :j)
She's getting me to concentrate on the future and what I want to do rather than what I did in the past - lots of ideas, some of which I've started to do
I never thought I was the type of person who needed counselling IYKWIM...... I hope that doesn't sound disrespectful to anyone but it/she has really helped me come to terms with a lot of things.

Please keep this thread going, I love it :A:A There are so many of us 'survivors' on here!!!!

jackieblack

tayforth wrote: »

Hello all

So sorry for being AWOL for ages, I've been at my mum's mostly and her wifi is awful! I totally intend to keep this thread going

Don't worry, I haven't gone back to my ex :eek: and nor will I ever go back to him.

It's been a strange few weeks. As you know, I had a wobble in July - but it turned out that it wasn't a 'changing my mind' wobble, more of a comedown from the adrenaline of the previous few months. I started sleeping better, though. I'm determined to go back to work next month, though it's a daunting prospect.

Also - I've had a couple of nights out with some good friends, which helped a lot. We had a laugh, and they were so nice and supportive.

I've also bought a few new dresses.

I do have my 'down' moments too, but I try not to worry about them, they'll pass.

I'm going to visit a good friend tomorrow for a few days, which I'm very much looking forward to.

Unfortunately, I still don't feel 100% comfortable being in my house. I'll give some thought to moving when I get back to work. I also feel the urge to have a huge clearout and either sell or give away lots of stuff, I've read about people who've done this and they say that it makes them feel 'lighter' mentally and emotionally.

Will reply to you all individually in a sec.

How is everyone? xxx



Edited to add: oh gosh, just noticed that we're on page 100!

It's great to hear from you Tayforth, and it's good to hear that things have been going well for you and that you still feel so positive

I'm sure the wobble you had was totally natural - I'd be amazed if there were anyone who didn't have at least a small wobble after making any life-changing decision!

You haven't mentioned the rash so does that mean it's cleared up, or at least not bothering you anymore?

wannabee_in_credit

So good to hear from you Tay

I'm good, almost back to my old self and almost ready for work in September. It'll be a fresh start, I hope, and I'm working on strategies for making sure I get everything done without destroying myself.

tayforth

rockie4 wrote: »

Oh, I'm so pleased to hear from you again! I think we were all a bit worried about you

I think my house has sold :eek: Had a very good offer - less than the asking price but more than the minimum price I had worked on so.......fingers crossed....xxxxx

OH is being fine at the moment, he seems to have accepted the situation now, I've been up a couple of times to sort stuff out..........OMG have we accumulated some cr*p over the years He's been much better about the car sharing since I decided he could have it after we sell ( I want a new one )

I agree with you about clearing out, I have lots of 'stuff' at the house that I thought I wanted but I've realised I don't need it so the local hospice charity shop is going to do quite well - I can't be bothered selling it so I'd rather it went to a good cause. I like my new minimalist way of living

Have you made any decision about going back to work yet and about seeing a counsellor?

Mine has been brilliant, she wants to keeping seeing me until I finish at Christmas (did I say I'm going to retire on 18th December :j)
She's getting me to concentrate on the future and what I want to do rather than what I did in the past - lots of ideas, some of which I've started to do
I never thought I was the type of person who needed counselling IYKWIM...... I hope that doesn't sound disrespectful to anyone but it/she has really helped me come to terms with a lot of things.

Please keep this thread going, I love it :A:A There are so many of us 'survivors' on here!!!!

No, I haven't seen a counsellor yet but I'm going to when I get back to work. I need to make sense of it all from this perspective, and work out what I really want from life. I've realised that happiness is #1 and I'm going to try to create the life I want (whatever that might be - I'll let you know when I figure it out lol).

I'm amazed and delighted at the progress you've made! You're an inspiration. And only 4 months until you can retire and be FREEEEEE

jackieblack wrote: »

It's great to hear from you Tayforth, and it's good to hear that things have been going well for you and that you still feel so positive

I'm sure the wobble you had was totally natural - I'd be amazed if there were anyone who didn't have at least a small wobble after making any life-changing decision!

You haven't mentioned the rash so does that mean it's cleared up, or at least not bothering you anymore?

Oh yes Jackie - the rash is gone, thank goodness.

I did get a presecription from the doc for sleeping tablets a couple of weeks ago when I was having problems sleeping, but I haven't taken any yet. They're just there if I need them.

wannabee_in_credit wrote: »

So good to hear from you Tay

I'm good, almost back to my old self and almost ready for work in September. It'll be a fresh start, I hope, and I'm working on strategies for making sure I get everything done without destroying myself.

Oh, good for you! We'll be going back to work around the same time, new pencil case and all

Any 'strategy' tips to share?

tayforth

You're all so incredibly lovely - I can't tell you how much I've missed this thread, and to come back last night and see all your posts was really touching. Thank you xxx

tayforth

BTW... I also have a teeny confession to make that I left out last night.