FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Sorry for being AWOL everyone, I'm ok.

I had no wifi for a few days, and hate trying to read and post on MSE on my phone. Then I was a little bit overwhelmed by everything, and couldn't put into words how I felt.


So, what have I been up to... I went back to my own house for a few days. Went to see Occ Health and promptly broke down in front of the lovely OH doctor. It was the most upset I've been. I apologised and said that I knew that I had to return to work, but she said, "Not yet, no way." She's recommended another 6-8 weeks off, so I'm currently on a 4-week doctor's note. I was so embarrassed about breaking down in front of her, but she was lovely.


I decided to be strong and not rush back to my mum's, and instead spent a few days in my own house. The good weather helped, as it meant that I could be outside and not staring at the four walls. But I had a few times when I felt really low. I'm ashamed to say that I started to question what I'd done. Memories of happier times came rushing back to me at various times and I had to really dig deep to remind myself that I'd done the right thing.


I'm feeling a bit more positive now, thank goodness. But I had a few really bad days. My friends were lovely and dragged me out for coffee/drinks a few times. But I didn't admit how bad I was feeling.


Plans for the next few weeks are to see friends, get out and maybe socialise a bit. I might even plan a holiday.


Sorry again for not posting until now, I've really missed this thread and you lovely lot. I hope that you're all ok xxx

wannabee_in_credit

Good to hear from you...
You can't rush these things. If you're not up to going to work yet, you're not up to it. But your plan is right - keep busy. I'm on week 4 of absence due to stress, and it's taken me this long to stop feeling guilty about going out, because if I can go out then surely I'm not sick? Or so my mind was telling me.
xxx

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

I'm ashamed to say that I started to question what I'd done. Memories of happier times came rushing back to me at various times and I had to really dig deep to remind myself that I'd done the right thing.

Oh Tay that is SOOoooooooo normal. And sorry to tell you this, but you might as well be prepared, those time of missing him and missing the good times are likely to get to you for some time yet - precisely because the force of the initial shock / anger / hurt is going to die down - you can't live in that hyped up state for long. That's when the loneliness and your heart's longing for the dream life you believed you were going to have with him is likely to come to the fore.

But you KNOW - just from the reaction you had when talking about this to the OH - that it was a very damaging relationship and your feelings of missing the happier times are more to do with the selective way our minds store memories than the reality of what you lived through.

I remember once long ago in a similar situation to yours, feeling that I was 'over' it all and getting my life back together but still having spells of missing him and wanting to text or e-mail or somehow initiate contact (but couldn't because I had deleted his details from every method of contact possible) when out of the blue an e-mail arrived from him after 6 months of no contact - just a happy chatty note as if we'd only spoken yesterday and the whole nasty horrible mess had never happened.

Do you know what happened? I was ridiculously over-the-top totally traumatised by the contact and for a couple of days had a bit of a meltdown (and I'm not normally a neurotic crazy lady , honest!). That's what made me realise how toxic the relationship had really been.

But I am totally fine now (well, as fine as a neurotic crazy lady wannabe is ever likely to be!)

Just hang in there. Things WILL get better.

Big hugs

Dx

mintymoneysaver

LazyDaisy's so right , Tay, you know how positive I've been, but I've been wallowing a bit recently too. It's my wedding anniversary today ( or would have been) and I've had a down day or two.

I think about the good times sometimes, and then I remember the rubbish ones. I was telling my friend today that I had been feeling a bit lonely, and as she pointed out at least I was lonely and happy, rather than lonely and unhappy, as I had been!

It will get better... xxx

Hezzawithkids

Tay - just relieved to hear you are ok. As everyone else has said, this is going to take time, just look after yourself and forget the rest. Easier said than done, I know but we're all with you. :grouphug:

rockie4

Hope you're feeling a bit stronger now Tay

I've been going through something similar...I love my new flat, the people there are really nice and welcoming, the cat loves it there . I'm getting everything sorted slowly but surely but the other day I was browsing the internet looking for a holiday after I retire when I realised I was looking at Barmouth where OH and I had some good times I had the 'have I done the right thing' moment and got quite sad for a while.... I put it into perspective when I realised that in the 25 years we were together I was only really happy with him for about 5 years in total .

When my dad died I remember my mum saying she must remember the bad times whenever she got upset, at the time I thought that was awful even though life with my dad was pretty dreadful at times (alcoholic, abusive, womaniser) but having lived through a similar experience myself I now know she was right!! For every good time we had there were an awful lot more bad times I'm not going to get bitter about it, after all I was the one who chose to marry him despite a lot of people (his mum included) who warned me about him but of course I thought I knew better and that he would change if I was caring and supportive.............

I'm gaining strength from my mum even though she died 12 years ago, my life has mirrored hers in many ways, after dad died she got a little flat, furnished it as she wanted it and had 20 years of happiness on her own I'm hoping I can do the same.

Sorry for waffling but please, stay strong, you have done amazingly well up to now.

:grouphug:

teawithmilk

Hi Tayforth, so glad to hear you are OK (ish) ...you are doing great..one step at a time....

The Occy Health doctors really know what they are talking about in terms of returning to work- they send a report to your manager and if thats what they have recommended then fortunately your manager can't argue with that- its not in their interest to hurry you back to work if you are not emotionally ready...have they suggested a phased return to work to to you when you are ready? We use that where I work and it has really helped to give some of my colleagues/staff the confidence and strength to return after various health issues, e.g. starting with 1 day per week, then building up each week to full return to work...rather than throwing you in the deep end with a 5 day week!

Tiggger

Hi Tayforth:hello:

Just wondering how you are doing? Hope you are ok

Take care,

(((hugs)))

Tiggger

mcja

Baby steps Tay, its been a long journey, and you're still going. Doing bl00dy well though.

Remember the good times, you loved him once, but don't let those taint the memory of the bad things he did, and how he made you feel. You will find the strength to get through this bit, as you have done lately.

Noone on here said it would be easy (I really want to write "no one ever said it would be this hard") but read and remember the posts from survivors.

Be strong, and you will be ok.
xx

jackieblack

How are you doing Tay?