FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

paulineb_2

What issues is he causing you re the car? Asking for it in times when you need it?

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

What issues is he causing you re the car? Asking for it in times when you need it?

Last Monday, when I told him that it was over, I asked him whether he wanted to buy my half of the car or sell it and split the proceeds. He said that he didn't know yet, and asked if he could use it to move his stuff in the meantime and find somewhere to live.

I said yes - even though I'd rather he had just paid his half and gone off with it into the sunset so that I could have nothing further to do with him. We agreed that I could have it Friday-Sunday last week and Thursday-Tuesday this week, and he could have it at all other times.

When Friday came, he said that he wouldn't let me have it at all (see page 45 onwards: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/60906993#Comment_60906993).

I should have seen it coming, but I didn't, and I got very upset at letting my family down and having to lie again - the last train to my mum's was gone at that stage, which he knew. I had to make up an excuse, and travel on Saturday morning instead, thus missing all the party prep and annoying my mother.

He obviously thought that the car gave him one last bit of control over me. And I haven't heard from him since.

I don't expect that I'll see it again. And I have decided on no contact for any reason whatsoever, for my own sanity. I've booked a hire car for this weekend.

So, you see, he is showing his true colours. And they're very nasty. I am more convinced than ever that he has sociopathic tendencies.

Alpha58

duchy wrote: »

Honestly -if it was me I'd feel safe and wouldn't bother with a hard drive format but you could also do that if you want to. Basically a PC shop will take off any stuff you want to keep (photos etc) then wipe your hard-drive clean and reinstall windows and reload your kept stuff. Like I said I wouldn't bother but I can see why you might want to do this too after some of the scaremongering
I'd be happy with a Malwarebytes clean result though personally.

I'm not going to get into a slanging match about this, nor be rude to other posters. This thread is about support and advice to a woman who has made a brave and life-changing decision and who is receiving support from other users.

We clearly all have different opinions, some more informed than others. The "scaremongering" related to an earlier post advising the OP to check for hidden cameras and the element referring to the PC was at the point when the departed partner may have been taking the PC.

What I was taught is that any data will leave ghost traces even after deletion and possibly after reformatting. On the evidential side it is possible to image the HDD and then reconstruct files using very specialist software - but that's not really the point.

The original advice was that if the ex was taking the computer and it had been used for online banking or shopping, it would be a good idea to have it cleaned so that there were no traces of personal data which could be used to run up debts. I did not suggest that he may have installed a keystroke logger, malware, pinhole cameras, pressure-sensor activated recording devices etc etc.

If he is taking the PC (not sure if he is) have it professionally cleaned or - better still - accidentally spill coffee over it (and remove and destroy the HDD afterwards!). If he is not taking it, OP may want to have it cleaned up or replace it as a lump of common property which is best removed. I'm sure that there are others in this situation. Personally I know two women who have been divorced within the last couple of years and whose husbands were keeping them in the dark about earnings, bonuses and matters financial. Both "gentlemen" removed files from computers - the advice was not to go looking but rather to hand the machines to forensic computer specialists who could retrieve data to be used as evidence in divorce proceedings. Sadly, in both cases, the ladies concerned could not afford to do that so the "gentlemen" got away with it. Sickening. I'm sure that this is becoming more and more common with reliance on electronic data storage and the prevalence of computers at home.

The final caveats: 1) Data that you have "deleted" on a computer is still there in some form or another unless you have Government-level software to clean properly. 2) The chances of the average person being able to install spyware, delete files and install cameras are pretty slim. Don't lose sleep over it, we aren't living in "Mission Impossible" land!

tayforth

Seriously, thanks to all of you both for suggesting risks and for countering those suggestions - be it hidden cameras, computer spying programs, changing the locks etc. I appreciate it.

A few weeks ago I didn't even realise that I was being emotionally and mentally abused. So many things have not yet occurred to me, I'm sure.

My head is so pickled ATM that I'm deeply grateful to you all for helping with practicalities, and this is one of them. Thankfully, the Malwarebytes scan has put my mind at ease xxx

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

Last Monday, when I told him that it was over, I asked him whether he wanted to buy my half of the car or sell it and split the proceeds. He said that he didn't know yet, and asked if he could use it to move his stuff in the meantime and find somewhere to live.

I said yes - even though I'd rather he had just paid his half and gone off with it into the sunset so that I could have nothing further to do with him. We agreed that I could have it Friday-Sunday last week and Thursday-Tuesday this week, and he could have it at all other times.

When Friday came, he said that he wouldn't let me have it at all (see page 45 onwards: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/60906993#Comment_60906993).

I should have seen it coming, but I didn't, and I got very upset at letting my family down and having to lie again - the last train to my mum's was gone at that stage, which he knew. I had to make up an excuse, and travel on Saturday morning instead, thus missing all the party prep and annoying my mother.

He obviously thought that the car gave him one last bit of control over me. And I haven't heard from him since.

I don't expect that I'll see it again. And I have decided on no contact for any reason whatsoever, for my own sanity. I've booked a hire car for this weekend.

So, you see, he is showing his true colours. And they're very nasty. I am more convinced than ever that he has sociopathic tendencies.

Well, thats something that you could speak to a lawyer about, him taking the car and refusing to allow you to share it, when you've paid for half of it, sorry if youve paid for all of it and I have that wrong.

Tbh, I know it must be a massive pain in the backside with the wedding coming up and you dont need the stress and strain, but if that were me, Id just write off the loss, let him get on with whatever game hes playing and then if I did want my half share of the car at a later date, Id be asking a solictor to send him a letter requesting that he sends you half of the value or that its sold and you get half the money.

Or, Id go to police (and I appreciate you might not want to), but if you have paid for this car jointly, he doesnt have the right to take it and keep it as his own.

duchy

paulineb wrote: »

Like getting rid of the pc:)

I would imagine that some ex partners when they arent very nice to say the least and are asked to leave might do stuff like that or install a camera in the flat but thats just peoples different experiences. Just because someone has been abusive doesnt mean that when they leave they wont go quietly, just my view.

No-like *destroying* the PC :eek:

I do think that most people do care about their reputation and in all but the stupidest it does rein in the more extreme behaviour and I don't think Tay's ex is stupid. It may have woken him up to how bad things had got -and who knows he may even be ashamed or regretful (not that excuses his previous behaviour but it may explain him not hanging around like a bad smell)

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Well, thats something that you could speak to a lawyer about, him taking the car and refusing to allow you to share it, when you've paid for half of it, sorry if youve paid for all of it and I have that wrong.

Tbh, I know it must be a massive pain in the backside with the wedding coming up and you dont need the stress and strain, but if that were me, Id just write off the loss, let him get on with whatever game hes playing and then if I did want my half share of the car at a later date, Id be asking a solictor to send him a letter requesting that he sends you half of the value or that its sold and you get half the money.

Or, Id go to police (and I appreciate you might not want to), but if you have paid for this car jointly, he doesnt have the right to take it and keep it as his own.

I phoned the police for advice, they said that it was a civil matter, but that he did owe me half the value, even if it isn't sorted out until the divorce is finalised.

I have paid for half of everything to do with the car, including the initial purchase, repairs, tax and insurance, and have proof of this.

And I'm hiring a car for this weekend because I won't allow myself to be drawn into his controlling games again. I'm done with all of that and I see him for what he is. So the expense will be worth it to be finally rid of him.

zzzLazyDaisy

Glad to hear you have taken the day off. Please use it to REST ( not to get caught up with stuff that needs doing.... or even to re-run what's happened - or variations on what may happen - on the cinema screen in your head). I know it is easier said than done but you really do need to rest.

duchy

He's NOT taking the PC and the locks on the property have already been changed (all stated further back in the thread) and he had little time to install any intrusive devices or programs .

I do think it is very easy to get paranoid about stuff like this -especially if there is little technical knowledge - I get the most extraordinary calls at work from people who have fears based on some very peculiar mis-information at times ....and you only have to look at the number of people who have been taken in by the telephone "Microsoft phone scam " where people are told Microsoft or Sky or whoever are calling to tell them they are under a viral attack...to understand how it happens.

Tay's made sensible checks and he won't have access to the drive at any time in the future so a lot of the risks you've described aren't applicable in this case (but that's not to say they may not be in different circumstances so it's still useful info to put out there) The car thing didn't work -he may -just may have given up when he didn't get the reaction he hoped for from that stunt

Alpha58 wrote: »

I'm not going to get into a slanging match about this, nor be rude to other posters. This thread is about support and advice to a woman who has made a brave and life-changing decision and who is receiving support from other users.

We clearly all have different opinions, some more informed than others. The "scaremongering" related to an earlier post advising the OP to check for hidden cameras and the element referring to the PC was at the point when the departed partner may have been taking the PC.

What I was taught is that any data will leave ghost traces even after deletion and possibly after reformatting. On the evidential side it is possible to image the HDD and then reconstruct files using very specialist software - but that's not really the point.

The original advice was that if the ex was taking the computer and it had been used for online banking or shopping, it would be a good idea to have it cleaned so that there were no traces of personal data which could be used to run up debts. I did not suggest that he may have installed a keystroke logger, malware, pinhole cameras, pressure-sensor activated recording devices etc etc.

If he is taking the PC (not sure if he is) have it professionally cleaned or - better still - accidentally spill coffee over it (and remove and destroy the HDD afterwards!). If he is not taking it, OP may want to have it cleaned up or replace it as a lump of common property which is best removed. I'm sure that there are others in this situation. Personally I know two women who have been divorced within the last couple of years and whose husbands were keeping them in the dark about earnings, bonuses and matters financial. Both "gentlemen" removed files from computers - the advice was not to go looking but rather to hand the machines to forensic computer specialists who could retrieve data to be used as evidence in divorce proceedings. Sadly, in both cases, the ladies concerned could not afford to do that so the "gentlemen" got away with it. Sickening. I'm sure that this is becoming more and more common with reliance on electronic data storage and the prevalence of computers at home.

The final caveats: 1) Data that you have "deleted" on a computer is still there in some form or another unless you have Government-level software to clean properly. 2) The chances of the average person being able to install spyware, delete files and install cameras are pretty slim. Don't lose sleep over it, we aren't living in "Mission Impossible" land!

tayforth

duchy wrote: »

No-like *destroying* the PC :eek:

I do think that most people do care about their reputation and in all but the stupidest it does rein in the more extreme behaviour and I don't think Tay's ex is stupid. It may have woken him up to how bad things had got -and who knows he may even be ashamed or regretful (not that excuses his previous behaviour but it may explain him not hanging around like a bad smell)

You're right, he's not stupid, far from it. But I don't think that he is ashamed in the least, otherwise he wouldn't have taken the car after I'd been so reasonable and fair towards him. But frankly, I don't care. He is not my concern any more. As long as I don't hear from him, I'll be happy.

duchy wrote: »

He's NOT taking the PC and the locks on the property have already been changed (all stated further back in the thread) and he had little time to install any intrusive devices or programs .

I do think it is very easy to get paranoid about stuff like this -especially if there is little technical knowledge - I get the most extraordinary calls at work from people who have fears based on some very peculiar mis-information at times ....and you only have to look at the number of people who have been taken in by the telephone "Microsoft phone scam " where people are told Microsoft or Sky or whoever are calling to tell them they are under a viral attack...to understand how it happens.

Tay's made sensible checks and he won't have access to the drive at any time in the future so a lot of the risks you've described aren't applicable in this case (but that's not to say they may not be in different circumstances so it's still useful info to put out there) The car thing didn't work -he may -just may have given up when he didn't get the reaction he hoped for from that stunt

Well, I did get upset, but thankfully he didn't witness that. And I haven't contacted him again, which I'm sure he's surprised about, knowing that I need the car for the wedding this weekend. When that comes and goes, he'll finally get the message that I'm not going to play along with his games. I've broken free.

You're right about 'putting it out there', btw - if there are lurkers on this thread who are going through the same thing, it may occur to them to do a few checks. I hope that the advice on this thread helps others as well as me.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Glad to hear you have taken the day off. Please use it to REST ( not to get caught up with stuff that needs doing.... or even to re-run what's happened - or variations on what may happen - on the cinema screen in your head). I know it is easier said than done but you really do need to rest.

Thanks zzzLazyDaisy. I'm still in my pyjamas at 11am! I'm going to have a cuppa and take it easy for a while. Still no TV, but I'll get one soon.

I was surfing the Argos site yesterday for TVs, actually. Is this a good deal?

http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10151&catalogId=10001&langId=110&productId=560560