FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

harrys_nan

Loving the new thread title, Tay, it says it all, you go girl.l It's all coming together now, not long and the worst will be over, then you really have your fresh new start.
Lots of hugs for you, xx

spirit

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Does he know you have a pot of savings? If so, at least be prepared for him to try and get his hands on some of it. I'd take steps that might reduce this risk - buying a car, paying off debts, closing accounts and moving money around (that's not legal advice by the way, just what I would do....)

x

I do know of people who have moved money elsewhere as in 'given' to a trusted family member to 'look after' until after the divorce

lolavix

Good luck tayforth. I've recently split with my OH of 5 years, however in amicable circumstances. Since moving out I have never felt so ill and run down in my life! A rotten cold for 3 weeks and constantly sleeping and feeling sick! My mother disowning me probably didn't help but hey Ho.

4 weeks later I am almost feeling back to my normal self, I was reading your thread last night when I was feeling very lonely, you are such an inspiration and I wish you all the best with your new beginning :j :j :j

shegirl

tayforth wrote: »

:rotfl:

I love your idea. When I do sell them, I'll use the money towards something specific. I like the idea of using it to pay for a really amazing holiday, I feel like being totally impractical.




Thank you, and you're right. Did you manage to break it off before the wedding then?

Umm,in a sense lol

Ds dad is in a league of his own (bear in mind ds turned 14 last week!).We'd be happy,he'd be all nice and loving,then he'd start disappearing because he is the most important person in the world-absolutely nothing can get in the way of his social life,not even when I've been sat in hospital while ds is having a scan (severe autistic who has very harshly bashed his head on all sorts of hard things,including concrete!) even though he'd lie and say he was working.'couldn't' live with us full time as couldn't cope and didn't have the money (I'm a professional,he isn't) but insisted he wanted to spend his life with us so would stay at weekends with some week night visits when not working (used to work ten hour days).

Then he'd 'grow up',we'd get engaged and he'd eventually disappear,then come back and go over it again and again and again.Each time draining me senseless as he played the charmer,would cry with apologies and excuses,wouldn't do anything at all for ds but play with himBUT only with me (never looked after him on his own),then he'd constantly moan and make me feel !!!! because everything wasn't done the way HE wanted-dishes not done instantly,doesn't like feature walls,he doesn't like sons new clothes as they aren't the style his dad would wear,I wasn't allowed a break from anything despite doing it all myself,then he'd act as if nothing had ever happened and he hadn't said or done anything?If I tried going for a walk to relax,after a meltdown from ds (he can get violent) or if ex was peeing me off,he (ex) would run out the door and physically stop me or get in his car so I had to go inside (where he had left ds on his own!!!)-how dare I!:eek:

He started getting a bit better (or so I thought,he was actually putting me down to others instead whilst being more reliable for me,even helped me make the bed once and opened the curtains:rotfl:,was talking about being ready)then bam I found out he'd been cheating.Cue another excuse to put me down,act and play himself up (followed by sitting on my sofa teary eyed!)

The sad bit is he can be the sweetest guy you could imagine and in the toddler years he wasn't so bad,but he can be horribly degrading,selfish and make you feel worthless because he is so god damn mighty in his eyes!He is man.All that !!!!.

Loved him to bits,done everything for him,held on through his fake depression despite wanting to have it finally over as I couldn't take any more of him,then he snapped out of it and i done my best to hold on to everything that I used to feel (a series of texts brought that back,for a day until i found out about the other woman).Didn't even want to admit to myself I couldn't be with him anymore.Always refused to listen to friends who spent years telling me to get rid,watching him drain me-they just didn't see the good side of him,right?:oWRONG.

A little over a year now since he went,i didn't want him after the cheating but she did!He refuses to see ds,doesn't even know where we live now (no contact details for him) and him and her rejoice escaping having to pay maintenance (they'll have a shock soon ).My friends,says something this,when hearing about the maintenance responded with 'i'm so sorry i didn't try and get you away from him earlier/more'.Guess that said it all to me.I never wanted to see him in a bad light and I still don't to be honest,that would destroy all the memories of great times,and I used to 'believe' he just couldn't cope or didn't know what he was doing,because he could be amazing and loving,because he loved me...

All that said,as much as I did love him,I couldn't care less what happened to him now.Despite major problems with ds,bless him,I've never felt more free,despite not having freedom lol.Never realised just how much he drained me and I hate myself for putting up with it and continuously letting him back because I've allowed him to do that to ds.

tayforth

bagpussbear wrote: »

Sorry to hear your body is struggling a little Tay. It's just stress, your body is releasing and harmonising emotions at the moment and it takes its toll.

I had a period of weird ailments a few months after ex walked out of me and I had to sell the house and move into a rented flat, the stress suddenly caused an uncontrollable twitch in my eye, and my irritable bowel syndrome came on really bad, where the cramps got so bad that by the time I got home from work I had to lay down, I had zero social life because of that. But the weird thing was that once the house sale went through, within 24 hours my twitch just stopped and never came back. And my IBS went away within a week. Its almost like relief of it all being over, cutting all ties with the ex that everything 'righted' itself.

Obviously go to the docs if you are worried about your rash or your tum, but I just wanted to tell you of my weird body experiences when I split up, and they will get better, and I think part of the healing will start after the weekend is over with.

Wow. It is amazing how your body can reflect your emotions. I'm still feeling jittery and crampy, but have spent the last while relaxing and then did a bit of a tidy up. I feel a bit better now.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

This ^^^^

When you are going through the whole shebang your body gets flooded with adrenaline. It keeps you going long after your body should have taken a break to relax/eat/sleep. As the pressure eases off the adrenaline surge slows down/stops.

Two things can happen... your body can react to the loss of adrenaline by demanding rest and sleep in any way it can get it, so you need to cosset your body and rest and sleep a lot, because if you are likely to be vulnerable to picking up bugs which will force you to slow down (high adrenaline levels over a period of time can adversely affect your immune system), the other thing that can happen is that because adrenaline can be addictive, your body starts craving its next 'fix' - this is often when people return to abusive relationships, or reopen contact with the abuser, or pick an argument with someone else. If either or both of those things happen, you need to breathe and roll with it. Your body will re-adjust to running on a lower, more normal level of adrenaline.

Hopefully neither will happen and you'll be right as rain in no time, but it doesn't hurt to be forewarned.

x

I must still have some adrenaline in me, probably in preparation for the wedding. Because I'm not sleeping. And I have been on SUCH a short fuse at work the last while, I'm actually getting more irritable as time goes on. It's only a matter of time before I blow up, I'm pretty sure of that.

But no way will I reopen contact with the ex, I know that much.

harrys_nan wrote: »

Loving the new thread title, Tay, it says it all, you go girl.l It's all coming together now, not long and the worst will be over, then you really have your fresh new start.
Lots of hugs for you, xx

Thanks so much, harrys nan I might keep up the thread for a bit, to write about how I'm getting on. I've had a few PMs from lurkers telling me that it's giving them hope and encouragement

tayforth

spirit wrote: »

I do know of people who have moved money elsewhere as in 'given' to a trusted family member to 'look after' until after the divorce

You can do this?

lolavix wrote: »

Good luck tayforth. I've recently split with my OH of 5 years, however in amicable circumstances. Since moving out I have never felt so ill and run down in my life! A rotten cold for 3 weeks and constantly sleeping and feeling sick! My mother disowning me probably didn't help but hey Ho.

4 weeks later I am almost feeling back to my normal self, I was reading your thread last night when I was feeling very lonely, you are such an inspiration and I wish you all the best with your new beginning :j :j :j

((((Hugs)))) to you. I hope that you feel better soon. I'm so honoured that my thread has helped you, what a lovely thing to hear. And why has your mother disowned you? xx

shegirl wrote: »

Umm,in a sense lol

Ds dad is in a league of his own (bear in mind ds turned 14 last week!).We'd be happy,he'd be all nice and loving,then he'd start disappearing because he is the most important person in the world-absolutely nothing can get in the way of his social life,not even when I've been sat in hospital while ds is having a scan (severe autistic who has very harshly bashed his head on all sorts of hard things,including concrete!) even though he'd lie and say he was working.'couldn't' live with us full time as couldn't cope and didn't have the money (I'm a professional,he isn't) but insisted he wanted to spend his life with us so would stay at weekends with some week night visits when not working (used to work ten hour days).

Then he'd 'grow up',we'd get engaged and he'd eventually disappear,then come back and go over it again and again and again.Each time draining me senseless as he played the charmer,would cry with apologies and excuses,wouldn't do anything at all for ds but play with himBUT only with me (never looked after him on his own),then he'd constantly moan and make me feel !!!! because everything wasn't done the way HE wanted-dishes not done instantly,doesn't like feature walls,he doesn't like sons new clothes as they aren't the style his dad would wear,I wasn't allowed a break from anything despite doing it all myself,then he'd act as if nothing had ever happened and he hadn't said or done anything?If I tried going for a walk to relax,after a meltdown from ds (he can get violent) or if ex was peeing me off,he (ex) would run out the door and physically stop me or get in his car so I had to go inside (where he had left ds on his own!!!)-how dare I!:eek:

He started getting a bit better (or so I thought,he was actually putting me down to others instead whilst being more reliable for me,even helped me make the bed once and opened the curtains:rotfl:,was talking about being ready)then bam I found out he'd been cheating.Cue another excuse to put me down,act and play himself up (followed by sitting on my sofa teary eyed!)

The sad bit is he can be the sweetest guy you could imagine and in the toddler years he wasn't so bad,but he can be horribly degrading,selfish and make you feel worthless because he is so god damn mighty in his eyes!He is man.All that !!!!.

Loved him to bits,done everything for him,held on through his fake depression despite wanting to have it finally over as I couldn't take any more of him,then he snapped out of it and i done my best to hold on to everything that I used to feel (a series of texts brought that back,for a day until i found out about the other woman).Didn't even want to admit to myself I couldn't be with him anymore.Always refused to listen to friends who spent years telling me to get rid,watching him drain me-they just didn't see the good side of him,right?:oWRONG.

A little over a year now since he went,i didn't want him after the cheating but she did!He refuses to see ds,doesn't even know where we live now (no contact details for him) and him and her rejoice escaping having to pay maintenance (they'll have a shock soon ).My friends,says something this,when hearing about the maintenance responded with 'i'm so sorry i didn't try and get you away from him earlier/more'.Guess that said it all to me.I never wanted to see him in a bad light and I still don't to be honest,that would destroy all the memories of great times,and I used to 'believe' he just couldn't cope or didn't know what he was doing,because he could be amazing and loving,because he loved me...

All that said,as much as I did love him,I couldn't care less what happened to him now.Despite major problems with ds,bless him,I've never felt more free,despite not having freedom lol.Never realised just how much he drained me and I hate myself for putting up with it and continuously letting him back because I've allowed him to do that to ds.

I'm stunned reading all of that. You have such a lot on your plate, and it sounds as if he was just draining the life out of you instead of giving you support. I'm sure that you're incredibly glad to be rid of him at last. The other woman is welcome to him.

You have absolutely done the right thing, and don't blame yourself for being the last to see it. I was the same, couldn't seem to break away, even while being belittled and manipulated all the time. How I let my ex stay in my life for so long I'll never know. But we live and learn, don't we?

Massive hugs xxx

mintymoneysaver

You're doing really well, Tay. I can remember how tense I felt in the build up till telling people. I avoided the staffroom, taught my class, locked myself in my classroom and went home as soon as humanly possible.

Today I've laughed and joked with friends, had fun with my class, enjoyed my evening with my two girls and am currently ripping up a carpet and about to gloss a skirting board ready for my new look bedroom! What a difference a year makes...

shegirl

tayforth wrote: »

You can do this?




((((Hugs)))) to you. I hope that you feel better soon. I'm so honoured that my thread has helped you, what a lovely thing to hear. And why has your mother disowned you? xx




I'm stunned reading all of that. You have such a lot on your plate, and it sounds as if he was just draining the life out of you instead of giving you support. I'm sure that you're incredibly glad to be rid of him at last. The other woman is welcome to him.

You have absolutely done the right thing, and don't blame yourself for being the last to see it. I was the same, couldn't seem to break away, even while being belittled and manipulated all the time. How I let my ex stay in my life for so long I'll never know. But we live and learn, don't we?

Massive hugs xxx

I was stunned realising and thinking about it.I should've known and done better,I'm a smart woman.Love doesn't half blinker you!

I think sometimes we hold on to what could have been or the good times there were and think that is what matters.:o

We sure do live and learn and I now know what I REALLY want

spirit

tayforth wrote: »

You can do this?

you might want to run it by your solicitor friend, but yup I have known it done. I don't know if it would 'work' if you set up a new savings account in your maiden name or your mother's maiden name instead if you didn't want to 'lend' to family.

Yorkie1

Quote:
Originally Posted by spirit
I do know of people who have moved money elsewhere as in 'given' to a trusted family member to 'look after' until after the divorce

You can do this?

There's not really any point.

Firstly, you say he knows what you have.

Secondly, when it comes to agreeing a financial settlement you are legally obliged to declare your assets e.g. savings. If you lie it is a criminal offence i.e. perverting the course of justice.