FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

I'm assuming that, since we were married for such a short time and have no children, we won't have any claim on each other's pensions, savings etc? Am I right?

Not necessarily. Am I right in remembering you were married for 7 years? I suspect that the pension splitting laws on divorce will apply - each spouse's pension is valued, and then an adjustment is made so that each spouse comes away with pretty much the same value pension pot for the length of the marriage - well anyway that's how it works in theory. You can't ignore the pension splitting laws, but you can come to an agreement (I won't make a claim on your pension if you let me keep the house/whatever). Same with savings - the savings go into a joint pot to be split 50/50 but that is the starting point and normally subject to negotiation. The relevant point is when proceedings start and you have to declare all your assets under oath (I am assuming you are in England or Wales - Scottish law is different).

On this point, if you do have more savings than him, you might be best just buying a car. If the end result is that you end up letting him keep the car, better for the deal to be that you each keep your 'own' car - you have already taken control and got the car you want, and in the process reduced your savings so there is less for him to argue over. Speak to your solicitor about this, but in your shoes I would not be taking steps to increase my savings until all this is sorted out....

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Hi Tay

A couple comments:

The rings belong to you, they were given as gifts. I took my valuable rings off, and also stopped wearing a solid gold necklace which, with the rise in gold is probably worth a few hundred pounds now. I put them 'somewhere'..... ten years and two moves later, I don't know where they are (I suspect that a lodger who did a moonlight might know something about the necklace as it was around that time that I realised it was not where I thought it was). Anyway, the point is, I don't know why I kept them as they have never seen the light of day again and if I had them now, I would sell them in a heart beat.

The point about all assets falling into the joint pot when the financial issues are dealt with on divorce is true, but that doesn't mean that you can't sell the rings or move on with your life right now, it just means that *if* he raises the value of the rings during that process, the solicitor will deal with it, in the same way as *if* he sells the car, this will also be dealt with during the process.

What happens is that there is no scientific formula, and after a lot of negotiation, normally an agreement is reached - which often both sides believe favours the other person - but it is the best that can be achieved so they accept it. If there is not much to argue over it just isn't worth the costs of going to court, so realistically it is a case of getting the best deal you can and then just walking away.

Re the dress - I turned my wedding dress inside out and washed it on a silk wash in the washing machine. It came up like new. But I had already decided that if it got ruined it would just go in the bin, so I had nothing to lose - and in fact I ended up giving it to the local charity shop anyway (but it wasn't worth as much as yours to start with).

Re the PC. You might need help with this (it isn't difficult but I don't know how techie you are). This is what I did. First you need to back up all your photos, music, documents etc. I found that the easiest way is to pick up an external hard-drive from amazon, plug it in (it shows up as an extra drive) and just drag and drop the stuff you want to save onto the drive. The techies on MSE are great if you need help. Then, you need to return the pc to factory settings - this gets rid of all programs, viruses, etc etc. Older pc's need the original disc but if it is relatively new, it is possible to do this by using the factory restore mode on the pc (if you tell us the make and model of the pc, we can look and see if yours is one of those). Then when it is finished, you would need to reload programs that you use (anti virus, adobe, itunes, etc) plug the drive back in and drop and drag the stuff back onto the pc. This will guarantee there is no key-logger or other strange software on the pc.

Alternatively you could take the pc into a local independent pc shop and ask them to carry out this process for you.

You are doing so well. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to re-adjust, reclaim your identity, and get used to being the only person you have to answer to. It sounds so obvious, but in reality it does take time.

xxx

Thank you for all of this. Some really good advice.

How awful about your necklace, I hope that it wasn't stolen and that it turns up.

Since I was going to keep the dress (sentimental value i.e. taking up space), it'll cost me nothing if it gets ruined. But I'll see. I might get it professionally cleaned if I can have it done for £70.

I have no interest in going to court, I just want a clean break and I'm not interested in anything of his. As you say, it may cost more than the value of what's being fought over. Totally pointless.

I'll get a hard drive and 'clean' the PC, or maybe ask a techie friend to help me.

And thanks for your kind words. I do need to reclaim my identity, don't I? xxx

spirit wrote: »

In which case the people on the old style section here may be able to advise you how to do it yourself safely. What fabric is it?

It's satin with a lace overlay. No embellishments or beads that could snag. Good idea about the OS board.

JohnnyJet

Think you are in danger of going over the top with the possible spying on the laptop issue. There is a small chance that he would have installed some sort of spyware onto your laptop, but as a previous poster mentioned, loading malwarebytes and making sure you load all the updates then running a scan will help.

Also check that you have some sort or virus detection software loaded e.g. Norton, McAfee. Also make sure it includes spyware detection. If you don't have any of these then you can download something like AVG for virus protection and Spybot for your spyware detection, both of which have free versions. Malwarebytes only runs a one of scan it does not protect the laptop.

Reloading the operating system should be done as a last resort, you would also have to make sure you had the right drivers for the laptop once the operating system is restored and you would lose all files that are not backed up. You would also have to reinstall all of your programs again.

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Not necessarily. Am I right in remembering you were married for 7 years? I suspect that the pension splitting laws on divorce will apply - each spouse's pension is valued, and then an adjustment is made so that each spouse comes away with pretty much the same value pension pot for the length of the marriage - well anyway that's how it works in theory. You can't ignore the pension splitting laws, but you can come to an agreement (I won't make a claim on your pension if you let me keep the house/whatever). Same with savings - the savings go into a joint pot to be split 50/50 but that is the starting point and normally subject to negotiation. The relevant point is when proceedings start and you have to declare all your assets under oath (I am assuming you are in England or Wales - Scottish law is different).

On this point, if you do have more savings than him, you might be best just buying a car. If the end result is that you end up letting him keep the car, better for the deal to be that you each keep your 'own' car - you have already taken control and got the car you want, and in the process reduced your savings so there is less for him to argue over. Speak to your solicitor about this, but in your shoes I would not be taking steps to increase my savings until all this is sorted out....

We've been together for 7 years, but married for less than a year.

Our pensions are worth roughly the same if we work the same length of time. So I doubt if there'll be any problem.

There is no WAY he is getting his hands on any of my savings. I have more savings than him, because I was saving for years while he p****d about and spent all his money. If he even thinks about trying to get his hands on it - well, he'd better not.

shegirl

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you for all of this. Some really good advice.

How awful about your necklace, I hope that it wasn't stolen and that it turns up.

Since I was going to keep the dress, it'll cost me nothing if it gets ruined. But I'll see. I might get it professionally cleaned if I can have it done for £70.

I have no interest in going to court, I just want a clean break and I'm not interested in anything of his. As you say, it may cost more than the value of what's being fought over. Totally pointless.

I'll get a hard drive and 'clean' the PC, or maybe ask a techie friend to help me.

And thanks for your kind words. I do need to reclaim my identity, don't I? xxx




It's satin with a lace overlay. No embellishments or beads that could snag. Good idea about the OS board.

Deffo ask on there!Also,when it comes to selling it,try shops and sites other than ebay first,ebay can be hit and miss.Granted mine wasn't typical (deep red with some white detailing,absolutely stunning really) but I found ebay to be awfully low in price but sold it (last year) on a facebook bridal page for a good price.

tayforth

JohnnyJet wrote: »

Think you are in danger of going over the top with the possible spying on the laptop issue. There is a small chance that he would have installed some sort of spyware onto your laptop, but as a previous poster mentioned, loading malwarebytes and making sure you load all the updates then running a scan will help.

Also check that you have some sort or virus detection software loaded e.g. Norton, McAfee. Also make sure it includes spyware detection. If you don't have any of these then you can download something like AVG for virus protection and Spybot for your spyware detection, both of which have free versions. Malwarebytes only runs a one of scan it does not protect the laptop.

Reloading the operating system should be done as a last resort, you would also have to make sure you had the right drivers for the laptop once the operating system is restored and you would lose all files that are not backed up. You would also have to reinstall all of your programs again.

Thanks for the tip-off. I'll try Malwarebytes first, maybe ask an IT expert friend to do it with me so that they can see what comes up.

tayforth

shegirl wrote: »

Deffo ask on there!Also,when it comes to selling it,try shops and sites other than ebay first,ebay can be hit and miss.Granted mine wasn't typical (deep red with some white detailing,absolutely stunning really) but I found ebay to be awfully low in price but sold it (last year) on a facebook bridal page for a good price.

I will. Better to try a local site than eBay, I guess. Thanks xxx

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

Yes, the car is jointly owned.


I'll have a think about it, no rush I suppose. Now that I'm rid of him, I just want to move things along as quickly as I can. But I'll slow down.

I sold my wedding and engagement ring about 6 months ago and used the money to make an overpayment on my mortgage. That way I was using something that made me feel bitter when I looked at it towards my future. I liked the feeling behind that.

My ex tried to tell me that we should be splitting the money from the rings and I told him to bog off

shegirl

tayforth wrote: »

I will. Better to try a local site than eBay, I guess. Thanks xxx

Definitely.It may take a while,but the way I see it is what you get for these things gives you extra towards a new life,you get something back from the !!!! to make things better.I enjoyed every penny and I didn't even get to wear the dress :rotfl: A celebration of a life without a cheating !!!!!!

tayforth

sportbeth wrote: »

I sold my wedding and engagement ring about 6 months ago and used the money to make an overpayment on my mortgage. That way I was using something that made me feel bitter when I looked at it towards my future. I liked the feeling behind that.

My ex tried to tell me that we should be splitting the money from the rings and I told him to bog off

:rotfl:

I love your idea. When I do sell them, I'll use the money towards something specific. I like the idea of using it to pay for a really amazing holiday, I feel like being totally impractical.

shegirl wrote: »

Definitely.It may take a while,but the way I see it is what you get for these things gives you extra towards a new life,you get something back from the !!!! to make things better.I enjoyed every penny and I didn't even get to wear the dress :rotfl: A celebration of a life without a cheating !!!!!!

Thank you, and you're right. Did you manage to break it off before the wedding then?