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Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.
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Wow-thank you so much for all the caring replies.Shame there was part of me that wanted to show him to say look it's not just me who thinks you're this, that and the other. I couldn't of risked the financial mess he would of no doubt just left me in. It's not just the fear of lonliness and never thinking I'll find someone else again.
I've sat down before many a time in despair totalling up all the weekly/monthly bills and expenditures and realised I can't afford them myself even if working full time which would mean child care expense on top (another reason why I stay I guess as he looks after our daughter while I work). Neither could I afford other bills that benefits don't cover if I gave up work completely. I feel trapped in that sense. He's already pretty much said countless times before (after threats of leaving) that in order to afford a deposit for somewhere else he would in his last remaining weeks here not be forking out for his share of the bills- so leaving me with extra debt on top. I always bitterly replied that's very Christian like of you. Regardless I soon found myself sucking up to him to avoid the above scenario which I always hated myself for. Yep I know zero self respect for myself.
As for our young daughter over my dead body will her dad impose or force any of his beliefs on her if I'm around. That's not to say he hasn't subtly tried before when I'm out of the house as things have got back to me but it kind of washes over her so I don't think he bothers too much thankfully. To be honest she seems more upset at her dad either glued to his Bible or Facebook etc. My other two children are nearly out of the teenage stage now so pretty much independent and not so easily influenced.
I think if he were to come on right now and say his piece he'd tell a complete different story. That I'm no doubt the evil aggressive abusive control freak always attacking him. I got to admit I have challenged his beliefs/faith and behaviour, his preaching at me, his clutter he never puts away, his selfish ways of putting so many things above me and his daughter but he only see's/believes what he thinks- and that is it's never him in the wrong. I'm the evil one or I'm only getting what I deserve for being like I am. He will always have justification for everything. Then I will pay the price like the silent treatment or no affection. That's why I grabbed (and later initiated/begged) for sex whenever I could- just to feel some love, to have him nice to me for a few days/the atmosphere more pleasent before things changed again..which of course was my fault.
Yesterday he took his time coming home from work to look after our daughter nearly making me late for work in the process yet again as he conveniently forgets the time, the buses aren't running/late or can't remember my start times which have been the same for years. I knew this was punishment for saying what I did the night before about not wanting to carry on like this. I wanted the chance to talk to him before I left- to show him the Bible scripture that a few of you mentioned about love being patient and kind.Weirdly though it was nowhere to be found in his King James study Bible in the section it should of been. He's always been fanatical about the fact the King James version is the only proper Bible. I easily found it on the internet though so printed it and left it out for him. I just about had time to see him briefly read it before screwing it up before having to leave. I recieved a text from him on my way to work which reads as follows: Please don't quote the Bible to me.1.You have no true meaning of the scripture.2.You do not believe in the Bible nor Jesus. 3.The version you printed is not KJV therfore is corrupt. 4.You are the most hate filled agressive person I have ever known.
There were quite a few questions asked and I appologise if I forget any.
Yes he is British/White. He/his mate don't go to church regularly. From what I gather they were really particular about the type of church/sermons deeming most too modern barr a couple which were a bit too far out so rarely went. He has no qualms about this though.
I got my head bitten off asking innocently if he was going to attend a service at Christmas and more recently Easter. As for house churches- well I know his best friends family are religious which is his little network (besides the F.B "family")- whether they study etc at his friends house I don't know? He doesn't think it necessary to go church as Jesus is everywhere (fair enough). Theres no-one I can really talk to - well theres my work colleague (Christian but not Calvinist or extremist) and she thinks he's a nut job and would love to give him a piece of her mind. She's known types like him- half her married life was spent with a dictative abusing husband who got involved with a house church member leader with similar beliefs as my partner.
As for me saying I knew of more non Christian people who are more caring/non judgemental he'll retaliate by saying he isn't judgemental and I'm the judgemental one constantly attacking his faith. That good deeds and being nice won't earn you a place in heaven. He said pretty much the same thing in regards to my evil Catholic upbringing too. Didn't like it one bit when I referred to his Calvinism sounding like a cult though after I read up on it.Yes I do feel he's using the no sex without marriage as his ultimate get out clause card as pushing so many of my buttons hasn't worked before and he's always felt guilty when I've begged him to stay. He's always known how I feel in regards to the sex, needing intamacy- a bit of affection- how eventually the lack of it gets to me. I dare say he's hoping eventually it will lead to me saying I've had enough once and for all and mean it so it will leave him with a clear conscience. I pretty much told him that but it got denied. I know theres nothing really to fight for in this relationship and even wonder at times why I still love him a bit or what qualities he has left when things are at their worst? I know I deserve better- but he tells me the same in regards to him. That no man will put up with me like he has. That's shattered my self esteem somewhat over the years.
He's not the same person I met- in some ways better but a lot worse in many more ways. I don't know whether I'm clinging to some sort of warped hope that his fanatical ways will decrease.That in doing so he will be relatively okay to live with again, we have our regular sex life back and so forth- but I know really deep down he's too far gone. Yet that still doesn't seem to stop me pining away trying to get through to him any way I can to get some small fragments back of the good times even if they were few and far between. In doing so it usually ends in tears, arguements or silences so I'm not sure why I bother?- but I do. There must be something wrong with me afterall?0 -
He's trashing your life, and he's trashing your young daughter's life - he upsets her with his fanaticism. It comes across very clearly that you're staying with him for financial reasons.
Talk to Women's Aid, it's your choice and perhaps you'll get your head out of your backside and see the light, because there most definitely is something wrong with you......................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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topsyturvy74 wrote: »
There must be something wrong me afterall?
Not at all - the most intelligent, healthy & strong of us are susceptible to mental and emotional abuse
You may not be able to afford the bills in your current home, but could you manage in a cheaper one if you were the one to leave? I wonder whether there might be an agency that might be able to help work out the practicalities and finance with you (sorry I don't know anything about this but I'm sure someone else on here will know)
I don't know you from adam, but I feel pretty angry about how this man is treating you and really hope you can find a way of being free of himFinal cigarette smoked 02/01/18
Weight loss 2017 28lbs
Weight gain 2018 8lbs :rotfl:0 -
because there most definitely is something wrong with you.
Kick her while she's down why don't you. There isn't something wrong with her - she's in a very difficult, horrible situation. Many people stay in relationships because they are scared of the finanaces. It doesn't help when you're living with someone who's calling you the devil etc.MSE Forum's favourite nutter :T0 -
Religion is the convenient 'hook' that he's hung his abuse on, but it's not really about religion - it's about his basic moral character. Were there any signs of it in your relationship before he caught religion?"Save £12k in 2019" #120 - £100,699.57/£100,0000
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"The version you printed is not KJV therfore is corrupt."
I didn't realise the "King James Only" movement had reached the UK. They're absolute nutters.0 -
topsyturvy74 wrote: »Wow-thank you so much for all the caring replies.Shame there was part of me that wanted to show him to say look it's not just me who thinks you're this, that and the other. I couldn't of risked the financial mess he would of no doubt just left me in. It's not just the fear of lonliness and never thinking I'll find someone else again.
A fear of not being able to manage financially alone, is one of the main reasons why many feel trapped in loveless, abusive relationships. There is help out there for you OP. Many organisations such as Relate or Womens Aid would be able to guide you and help you find a way out of this hell you are living, to a much happier future.
A person who is only financially stable is very poor indeed. Emotional wellbeing; feeling secure, safe, value, loved, respected and not being persecuted by someone who is meant to love you, makes you far richer in life.
For the sake of your daughter and yourself leave this man as soon as you can. If you dont you will forever regret it and he will just drag you and your child further and further down. Do you really want her memories of her childhood to be of her mummy being treated so awfully?
All the while you are with your partner you are effectively telling your daughter that this is how adult relationships are conducted. She will have it instilled in her that this is all she can hope for, for herself in the years to come. It is what she will see as normal and settle for herself and so the vicious circle will continue. From what you have disclosed about yourself on this thread OP, I am convinced that is absolutely not what you want for her.
Get out while you can. Your partner comes across as increasingly unstable to me.The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.0 -
Some of the strongest people I know have been in abusive relationships. My mum was with someone for two years who she couldnt get to leave, in those days it was considered a domestic, she did eventually get him out, he was violent, she was lucky, other people shes knows werent so.
Ive also been in abusive relationships, verbal, people constantly putting me down, I stayed with someone a very long time and eventually left.
Its not always that easy when you feel like your self esteem is in your shoes. Ive no kids, so only had to deal with me and i never lived with the people concerned
But these days, if anyone gives me grief, I wont put up with it.
Rather than agonising over and over about what youve done to deserve this, please realise youve done nothing and get out while you still have your sanity
My last partner had mental health problems and he was extremely abusive, controlling and by the time I left him my self esteem was non existent (and I know other people with mental health issues arent those things, but I took the brunt of his condition), but you recover.
When something isnt fixable, get out and worry about the money later, your sanity and peace of mind matters 100 times more.0 -
I don't think this is about religion at all. From OP's first post it is clear this man is controlling and mentally abusive. The fact that even before he became a calvanist she was the one doing the "begging" to get him to take him back is a case in point.
As another christian I can say he is simply using a religeous "tag" to hang his abusive behaviour on. The one thing above ALL others that Jesus preached is to love each other and do unto others as you would have done to yourselves. He clearly said to put these rules above all others that went before and to me, whether you believe or not, thats a great rule to live by. Your OH is an abusive controlling man.
I would have a look over of the debt forums and work out what you would be due in benefits/child support if you split up, have a look where you can cut back on bills to get it down to a level you can afford on your own. You may have to move and it will be difficult at first, but in a few months time the relief will be enormous.
Good Luck
Ali x"Overthinking every little thing
Acknowledge the bell you cant unring"0 -
Kick her while she's down why don't you. There isn't something wrong with her - she's in a very difficult, horrible situation. Many people stay in relationships because they are scared of the finanaces. It doesn't help when you're living with someone who's calling you the devil etc.
i'm sure people do stay in relationships for financial reasons - but surely in this case thats a dangerous thing to be doing?
OP from your 2 posts I'm getting a strong feeling that, if not for the finance issue, you'd have been out of there with your child a long long time ago.
Look at downsizing, look at renting, have you no family or friends you could rely on even short term to give you the emotional and practical support you may need to leave and start again on your own 2 feet? I know its scary leaving one financial situation and starting with what looks like a lot less - but sometimes needs must, and I think you're nearly there.
If you haven't already, do an SOA on the debt free boards, with the house and bills you have now, and ask for help there with how you can reduce those bills, even if it means moving.0
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