Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.

Goldiegirl

Religious fanatics and extremists give religion a bad name.

I'm not wildly religious, but I do think that a person's religion should be their private business, and should give them comfort, solace and joy.

But your OH seems to want to impose his lifestyle on you, and seems to behave in a way that all the joy has been sucked out of his life. That is not religion as I understand it, that it control freakery of the highest order.

I can only concur with the advice already given, leave now, you shouldn't have to endure your current treatment.

sexylulubelle

Oh OP my heart goes out to you, knowing a bit a about religious fanaticism, my advice hun, Call it a day, this is not the type of environment that is condusive to healthy and happy relationship, you and your daughter deserve more, I may be wrong but I cant help thinking if he's this obsessive now what is he going to be like in 2 years time, is he going to preach to you and your daughter making you feel that every little thing you do is wrong because the bible says so????? get out now while you can................

minimoocow

This is abuse - religious/spiritual abuse.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_abuse

Its possible your partner is also being abused by members of his church and is scared about what will happen if he doesn't behave in this way however you need to think about yourself and your little girl first.

Tiglath

What kind of church does he go to?

middlewife

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

We've had such an up and down relationship the past eleven years and a number of times we've nearly broken up even though I've never really wanted to.

It seems you haven't been happy with this man for a long time, his extreme version of Christianity is unlikely to be a flash-in-the-pan, what is it that he offers that makes you so want to stay?


I don't want to be a single parent coping alone never mind finacially which would seem near impossible with the huge bills we have.

I don't think there's a single post advising you to stay, and although no-one "wants" to go through financial hardship, truthfully, what's the alternative, stuck in a loveless relationship, knowing you will always come "last" in everything? As others have said, what influence will his behaviour have on your daughter? Does he have any time or influence over your teenagers?

About four and a half years ago his best friend got him into Christianity- he became one of those reborn again Evangelists- a Calvinist to be precise. As the years have gone by his faith has increased to the point where all he seems to do is study his Bible, create his own religious tracts (after reading every Jack Chick tract there is) to spread the word of God, warn people of their wicked life styles and codemning all other religions.

My grandmother was one of these, a scheming, manipulative, self-centered woman if ever I met one. She was "converted" at a tent mission in the 1930s as a young bride to a chain-smoking, drinking atheist. She refused to divorce him, and they endured a miserable marriage until he died prematurely of cancer. It was only after she died that I discovered scores of relatives I never knew existed as she had totally written them out of her life.

Anyway I've tried pleading, nagging, crying until I have no strength left or I'm made to look and feel like a crazed loony. All I have got from him is that his faith is the most important thing in his life now

You can never argue with people who hold these extreme beliefs, in his eyes you represent the Devil as anyone who isn't "saved" must belong to the devil, and so he cannot allow you any say or influence in his life and I'm sorry to say things will not improve in my experience.



I don't want our young daughter being preached to or told to do this/that either.

then I'm afraid you really only have one option, to leave. Be wary if he tries to take you to a counsellor, it will be someone who agrees with his viewpoint, even if female, if you agree to go, make sure you take a level-headed friend along, and meet in neutral territory, not on church premises,


I admit I haven't held back when voicing my opinions about his evangelist views........ The fact that I knew of more non christian people with a more caring non judgemental nature.
What did he say to this?

At later times he'd deny this though and make it look like I was loosing my marbles.
Classic technique in abusive relationships

He said I had no right to say my piece as I had not read the Bible properly there for had no understanding.

Or that you were too old/young/fat/thin/lazy/stupid/ignorant/prejudiced etc, etc, he's hiding behind the Bible to belittle you and destroy your self-esteem

All this and I still clung onto this relationship.

You have to ask yourself why? What is it you fear about staying? truthfully, other than a roof over your head, what can he really offer you AND your daughter going forwards? Alternatively, you have a choice, albeit not one you welcome, to leave, straighten out your thinking, get some self- respect back and start again. Look at some of the stories on the Womens aid website, they will ring true with you.

Before he became a reborn again Cristian there were plenty of other issues and still some the same as now but we got through them, picked up the pieces.


OK, relationships have their ups and downs, but if there are more downs than ups, what's the point? Did you really solve anything, or are you really just trapped in a vicious circle?



I feel like I can't win this battle-

You know you can't, I think, so you can either submit and be miserable, or quit the battle in order to win your war.


I never had a really high libido in the last few years because of my contraception but regardless he still got it whenever he wished even if I felt tired or ill.

Hun, is that really true? Do you value yourself so low that you'd please him even if you're not up to it?

He kept saying it's because it was wrong as we're not married

That would be easily solved then, marry you?

and that he continually prays for abstinence, that he can't really keep on committing the same sin

So he's equating sex with sin, presumably in his belief system it's available if he wants it or for procreation?

Marriage was brought up a few times in the past several months between us in regards to the sex issues but he knows I've never really wanted to marry and before becoming a Christian he felt the same. Besides which as much as part of me loved him and wanted to stay together for the good times and our daughter etc I knew if we did do it, it would all be for the wrong reasons in my eyes. Me- just so I can have a regular sex life/some regular loving affection back

You really think that if he married you, he would suddenly become affectionate again?


This led to me trying to have one of my pleading talks with him about how upset I was. That he'd gone back on his promise. Tears fell and he comforted me which led to kissing which led to foreplay which led to "I can't do this" just literally before doing the business. (Sorry if too much info).Yes he was appologetic but I'd never felt so humiliated on top of all that hurt.

So ask yourself, is repeated humiliation any way to treat a partner, married or not?


The marriage/sex thing got brought up again and he bluntly said things would be so much easier if only I were like a meek Christian woman instead of like who I was.

Perhaps you now know the truth about his feelings, he's looking for someone you can never be, it would be kinder to let you go, but that would make him look bad in the eyes of his church, whereas if you walk out you will be painted as the evil one for abandoning him.

I felt too upset to bother retaliating to that

A loving relationship does not rely on regular upset, humiliation and retaliation and power struggles



Apart from praying for some sort of miracle I don't know what to do?

I think you do know what to do, or you wouldn't be posting on here

I don't know how to get through to him? Sometimes I don't think I have the strength left in me for this any more but neither do I want to be alone.

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Plenty of married people are incredibly lonely in their unhappy mariages, even with kids around.Do some research, maybe get a free hour with a lawyer to check out your rights regarding your daughter, look at whether you could move in temporarily with friends or family until you can support yourself, if push comes to shove there are always refuges, mental abuse is just as real as physical
sending you (((hugs)))

Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry for you TopsyTurvey, you have survived, now it's time to live your life. Wishing you peace and courage.

Carl31

Op, your husband is mentally unwell. Personally i believe any adult that 'turns to religion' does so due to depression or otherwise. If you love him, get him help, if you dont walk away, but he will only get worse to the point of being sectioned or otherwise

securityguy

minimoocow wrote: »

Its possible your partner is also being abused by members of his church and is scared about what will happen if he doesn't behave in this way

Yeah, you only have to open a newspaper to read about gangs of marauding Christians tracking down former parishioners and shanking them as retaliation for leaving. Happens all the time. A fear of what might happen if you leave a church is entirely rational, because the police are completely unable to deal with the increasing bodycount.

!!!!!!. What is a church going to do to someone who leaves? Keep on sending them the weekly notices sheet? Scary stuff.

middlewife

securityguy wrote: »

Yeah, you only have to open a newspaper to read about gangs of marauding Christians tracking down former parishioners and shanking them as retaliation for leaving. Happens all the time. A fear of what might happen if you leave a church is entirely rational, because the police are completely unable to deal with the increasing bodycount.

!!!!!!. What is a church going to do to someone who leaves? Keep on sending them the weekly notices sheet? Scary stuff.

These are not churches like your village CofE ! They are often held in people's houses, it's a similar process to grooming girls for sex (without the sex obviously), emotional, subtle blackmail is used. The victim becomes unable to make decisions or choices without checking with the elders, the church often controls their finances by demanding a tenth of the person's income, the leaders are all powerful, psychologically manipulative and brainwash followers into total dependency on them. The fear of leaving, being ostracised by the only people they now know, having belongings confiscated sometimes is a very real fear and should not be confused with your regular churches. It's akin to what happens to some mormon kids in America, people who leave the Amish sects etc...

meritaten

Fundamentalists of any persuasion are scary people hun. in your situation I would try to get to a shelter as soon as possible - they will help you with the abusive situation and advise you on the financial one.
You shouldn't stay - its making you unhappy and depressed and it is very bad for your child.
yes - I do think a shelter may be the best place for you and your child for a while - while you get things sorted.

meritaten

middlewife wrote: »

These are not churches like your village CofE ! They are often held in people's houses, it's a similar process to grooming girls for sex (without the sex obviously), emotional, subtle blackmail is used. The victim becomes unable to make decisions or choices without checking with the elders, the church often controls their finances by demanding a tenth of the person's income, the leaders are all powerful, psychologically manipulative and brainwash followers into total dependency on them. The fear of leaving, being ostracised by the only people they now know, having belongings confiscated sometimes is a very real fear and should not be confused with your regular churches. It's akin to what happens to some mormon kids in America, people who leave the Amish sects etc...

They are in fact 'cults' - they are so far removed from the original church as to be unrecognisable. They retain some aspect of the name so as to get recognised religion status. and this sounds like the church your OH belongs to. He is no 'Christian' hun - not as I think of Christianity. (I am no longer a Christian but was brought up Presbyterian, which was thought odd back in the 50s and 60s and rather strict - but they have nothing on this branch of Calvinism).