Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.

securityguy

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

The marriage/sex thing got brought up again and he bluntly said things would be so much easier if only I were like a meek Christian woman instead of like who I was.

"Headship". Google it. Then leave, because he's beyond help, and you need to protect your child. Repeat: you need to protect your child. Christianity is providing him with the excuse to put his selfish obsession before his family (and he'll have mates egging him on). You should put your daughter ahead of his obsession, and get out. Leave.

fluffnutter

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

..he bluntly said things would be so much easier if only I were like a meek Christian woman instead of like who I was.

You do know this is abuse don't you, lovey? And really insulting to Christians too.

LandyAndy

He's abusive and controlling and has now adopted a framework that lets him be as abusive and controlling as he wants to be and which provides him with outside support and justification for it.

Leave. How he chooses to interpret your leaving is irrelevant.

mumonashoestring

Why are you scared of being a single parent? You're obviously strong enough to do it because you're not knuckling under to this bullying fanatic. Finances can be resolved, there is help out there that you can access. You are not dependent on this maniac.

troubleinparadise

His type of Christian faith is his choice, but it doesn't sound as if it is yours.

He is forcing his choice on you, and your child.

His choice is making you very unhappy.

You have a choice - to accept and join him in it, or not.

suki1001

Just to reassure you (or not) - even if you did submit and follow his faith, he would still act the same way.. I know because I have a friend whose husband has used some horrific tactics in the name of Christianity - and she's always been a committed Christian. Yet he would still use religion against her and use his "knowledge" of the bible to put her down. He even created a dossier of evidence and used the church leaders to intervene (in his favour of course) As asked by another poster - he was white. I think the way some of these churches run absolutely push this kind of behaviour.

I spoke to a bishop (I'm not a Christian) the other week and he said the problem with following rules in religion is that it completely misses the point - and that's what your oh is doing. The problem with his church it sounds - is that it encourages focus on the wrong type of rules - women should be submissive etc - whose benefit is that for?

But worse than that, he's doing it in a really nasty way. i think if you're going to follow a religion, it should be to better yourself, he's using it as an ego boost and of course it's very handy to act all knowing and put you down and control you.

Emotional abuse using God as the great underlying reason, which means you can't argue, because he'll always be right. Becoming a Christian - fine, but acting in this way - no.

Kayalana99

Good Luck.

The thing with relationships is no matter how many times some one else says you should leave him you won't untill your ready.

So I wish you best of luck and hope you come to the right decision as I think deep down you know its going to happen anyway its just a question of when x

Mrs_Imp

He's a fanatic, and not in a good way. Could you look up another Calvinist (a more moderate one) and express your concerns to them? They might be able to have a word and try and steer him away from the destructive path he's currently on.

I think you need some breathing space too while he tries to sort his head out. He's not behaving in a Christian manner, and that's not good either for you or for your children, or for him.

securityguy

Being charitable, it's possible he's in the grip of some mental illness and the Christianity is a symptom, not a cause. Or that the Christianity has aligned with a pre-existing tendency to obsessive behaviour, and therefore is a trigger, but the same things could have arisen had he decided to obsessively save money, obsessively go "green", join the SWP or whatever.

However, I'm always rather sceptical of the "he's being a !!!! because he's in the grip of a crisis and therefore you should be understanding" argument. Were there not a child involved, you might decide to tough things out because you believe it's your duty (some might say Christian duty) to help a man in distress. But there is a child involved, and although at the moment from what you write the focus of his abuse is you, that won't last: if you think his brand of Christianity (or, perhaps "Christianity") is misogynistic towards adult women, wait until you see them around pubescent girls.

Your first responsibility is to your child, not to your partner, and when there's a conflict, your child wins. Always. Under all circumstances. You never endanger or risk your (or indeed any) children to help adults. Ever. Children always come first. At the extreme end, most child abuse stories that hit the press consist of women who wouldn't stand up to their abusive men, or men who wouldn't stand up to their abusive women. Don't be that woman.

He's controlling and abusing you, and he will do the same to your daughter as she grows. Put your child first.

tyllwyd

When I read your post, I couldn't help thinking that you and he are excusing his behaviour because being a Christian is a 'good' thing. If you re-wrote your post, but instead of being obsessed with religion, you replaced that with alcohol, or drugs, or sex talk over the internet, or gambling, then you would be seeing things from a different perspective.

I feel loads of sympathy for you, but everything you have written makes me think you and your daughter would be better off if you left.