We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.
topsyturvy74
Posts: 7 Forumite
Hi, I could really appreciate some advice on mine and my partners relationship.
I hope no-one minds that I've created a new user name and appologies in advance for the length of this and if any Christians are offended- that's not my intention- honestly.
We've had such an up and down relationship the past eleven years and a number of times we've nearly broken up even though I've never really wanted to. It would mainly be me doing the creeping or begging back I'm ashamed to say. I have a young daughter with him and I don't want to be a single parent coping alone never mind financially which would seem near impossible with the huge bills we have. Part of me still loves him and he says he still loves me but I don't feel it. I haven't for a long time-not properly.
You know that saying actions speak louder than words?
About four and a half years ago his best friend got him into Christianity- he became one of those reborn again Evangelists- a Calvinist to be precise. As the years have gone by his faith has increased to the point where all he seems to do is study his Bible, create his own religious tracts (after reading every Jack Chick tract there is) to spread the word of God, warn people of their wicked life styles and codemning all other religions. Then because he is a keen photographer spending hours out alone or with his friend to take religious themed pictures to put on Facebook for admiration from hordes of other Christians "friends" around the world. I've seen his F.B a few times and it's like a who can beat who with the most likes for the best daily Bible scripture or religious picture...and the odd few spats between different Christian denominations/views.
Anyway I've tried pleading, nagging, crying until I have no strength left or I'm made to look and feel like a crazed loony. All I have got from him is that his faith is the most important thing in his life now, he's changed for the better, these strangers on Facebook are his family (brothers and sisters). I'm preached to or snapped at about me disrespecting him and his faith. That why should he spend time with me if I do that? I don't do it to be nasty but out of sheer frustration of being so rejected..more than I thought could even be possible before all this.
I don't want our young daughter being preached to or told to do this/that either. She's only seven for crying out loud. The little she does know from me saying her Grampy and pet had gone to heaven (for comfort) and school nativity plays I deem as ample. That's caused arguements too. I was Christened and brought up Catholic (to get into good Catholic primary school by my parents who wern't too particularly religious), and even made to go church/sunday school for some time which I hated and found boring. It didn't turn me atheist but it set my views for later life with my own children (I have two teenagers which aren't his too) in that they shouldn't have religion forced upon them and be able to make their own choices as and when they are at an age where they can understand properly. I still called myself a Christian (albeit a non practising one) since my primary years if anyone asked but having a partner who has become extremist has if anything turned me off Christianity even more.
I admit I haven't held back when voicing my opinions about his evangelist views on condemming other religions amongst other things (even my past Catholic upbringing), his hypocrisy and selfish ways.The fact that if I want to shout OMG in my own house if stressed/someones nearly given me a heart attack I will do. The fact that I knew of more non christian people with a more caring non judgemental nature. But because he was a reborn Calvinist Christian (the only ones who can be saved/going to heaven apparently), spread the word of God, because he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble and so forth he deemed himself better. At later times he'd deny this though and make it look like I was loosing my marbles.
He said I had no right to say my piece as I had not read the Bible properly there for had no understanding. That he was warned in the Bible he would be under constant attack from the Devil in his own family. Yes there was times amongst all the snapping, preaching and passive aggressive games to punish me of withholding sex, not bothering to help out around the house and days of silence that he told me he wasn't speaking to me as I had the devil in me. That he wasn't open to debate with the devil or being persecuted. All this and I still clung onto this relationship.
Before he became a reborn again Cristian there were plenty of other issues and still some the same as now but we got through them, picked up the pieces. I feel like I can't win this battle- it's not like some other woman or an ott hobby. The only time things felt good, that I got some proper attention and affection and when things were pleasent for a few days after before the cycle repeated was during/after sex. During the last several months even this has diminished not helped by the fact for over a year he's slept on the sofa due to his snoring which was supposed to be just a part time measure so I wasn't too sleep deprived and until he tried to sort it which never happened. But he prefers it there now because of less temptation I presume?
I never had a really high libido in the last few years because of my contraception but regardless he still got it whenever he wished even if I felt tired or ill. I found myself in a position having gone so long sometimes during these last several months I was not just craving the affection but begging for the sex itself. He kept saying it's because it was wrong as we're not married and that he continually prays for abstinence, that he can't really keep on committing the same sin. He did re-assure (only when asked) that it didn't mean to say he didn't love/fancy me anymore, that he still wanted it and would take my feelings into account for sex every so often like every few weeks. Big of him hey? Having been living as a common law husband and wife for eleven yrs didn't count, nor did the fact we were commited with a daughter or the fact it hadn't seemed to bother him much for the first three and a half years or so as a Christian. But then again there was always background pressure from his mate to lead his life a certain way. This best mate is someone who has for the best part of his life been single (which my partner envied I'm sure), then after turning Christian jumped straight into a marriage with a Christian girl off the internet which lasted less than a couple of months. Then a year later has got engaged to a another he barely knows. What sort of example is that?
Marriage was brought up a few times in the past several months between us in regards to the sex issues but he knows I've never really wanted to marry and before becoming a Christian he felt the same. Besides which as much as part of me loved him and wanted to stay together for the good times and our daughter etc I knew if we did do it, it would all be for the wrong reasons in my eyes. Me- just so I can have a regular sex life/some regular loving affection back and him mainly because the Bible tells him so. If by the rare chance I did want to marry it would have to be someone who did it from the heart, that I clicked with and was still blissfully happy come five years of being engaged down the line- a soul mate type. I found myself agreeing to marry him one night just desperate for some love (of both kinds) but it was soon forgotten about as the days went on and yet more rows went by. He actually even said at the time my face after looked like someone who had been handed a death sentence not proposed to- that's how wrong it felt.
The night before last felt like the final straw. It had been around two months since we'd last had sex or I'd had any proper attention/affection (maybe even a bit longer?). Not through my want of trying or asking nicely before this when I thought things had been relatively amicable between us and got false hope as he seemed more caring than normal. But I was always fobbed off with "too tired" or "soon". This led to me trying to have one of my pleading talks with him about how upset I was. That he'd gone back on his promise. Tears fell and he comforted me which led to kissing which led to foreplay which led to "I can't do this" just literally before doing the business. (Sorry if too much info).Yes he was appologetic but I'd never felt so humiliated on top of all that hurt.
I questioned him how on earth was we suppose to have a relationship with no intimacy bearing in mind he said he still loved me,wanted us to be together and no he didn't want me getting it elsewhere?
The marriage/sex thing got brought up again and he bluntly said things would be so much easier if only I were like a meek Christian woman instead of like who I was. I felt too upset to bother retaliating to that much apart from muttering something about he'd be better off with a down trodden 60's housewife or a robotic Stepford wife- the latter which was wasted on him as he'd never seen the film.The next day (yesterday) when home from work he's acting like nothing has happened, trying to be all sweetness and light by actually talking more about random cr*p, even offering to do the dishes (yep that surprised me)..but conveniently has an early night as he's tired the moment it's just us two downstairs. My last words to him were that I don't want to carry on like this as he pretended to already be asleep.
Apart from praying for some sort of miracle I don't know what to do?
I don't know how to get through to him? Sometimes I don't think I have the strength left in me for this any more but neither do I want to be alone.
Thank you for reading.
I hope no-one minds that I've created a new user name and appologies in advance for the length of this and if any Christians are offended- that's not my intention- honestly.
We've had such an up and down relationship the past eleven years and a number of times we've nearly broken up even though I've never really wanted to. It would mainly be me doing the creeping or begging back I'm ashamed to say. I have a young daughter with him and I don't want to be a single parent coping alone never mind financially which would seem near impossible with the huge bills we have. Part of me still loves him and he says he still loves me but I don't feel it. I haven't for a long time-not properly.
You know that saying actions speak louder than words?
About four and a half years ago his best friend got him into Christianity- he became one of those reborn again Evangelists- a Calvinist to be precise. As the years have gone by his faith has increased to the point where all he seems to do is study his Bible, create his own religious tracts (after reading every Jack Chick tract there is) to spread the word of God, warn people of their wicked life styles and codemning all other religions. Then because he is a keen photographer spending hours out alone or with his friend to take religious themed pictures to put on Facebook for admiration from hordes of other Christians "friends" around the world. I've seen his F.B a few times and it's like a who can beat who with the most likes for the best daily Bible scripture or religious picture...and the odd few spats between different Christian denominations/views.
Anyway I've tried pleading, nagging, crying until I have no strength left or I'm made to look and feel like a crazed loony. All I have got from him is that his faith is the most important thing in his life now, he's changed for the better, these strangers on Facebook are his family (brothers and sisters). I'm preached to or snapped at about me disrespecting him and his faith. That why should he spend time with me if I do that? I don't do it to be nasty but out of sheer frustration of being so rejected..more than I thought could even be possible before all this.
I don't want our young daughter being preached to or told to do this/that either. She's only seven for crying out loud. The little she does know from me saying her Grampy and pet had gone to heaven (for comfort) and school nativity plays I deem as ample. That's caused arguements too. I was Christened and brought up Catholic (to get into good Catholic primary school by my parents who wern't too particularly religious), and even made to go church/sunday school for some time which I hated and found boring. It didn't turn me atheist but it set my views for later life with my own children (I have two teenagers which aren't his too) in that they shouldn't have religion forced upon them and be able to make their own choices as and when they are at an age where they can understand properly. I still called myself a Christian (albeit a non practising one) since my primary years if anyone asked but having a partner who has become extremist has if anything turned me off Christianity even more.
I admit I haven't held back when voicing my opinions about his evangelist views on condemming other religions amongst other things (even my past Catholic upbringing), his hypocrisy and selfish ways.The fact that if I want to shout OMG in my own house if stressed/someones nearly given me a heart attack I will do. The fact that I knew of more non christian people with a more caring non judgemental nature. But because he was a reborn Calvinist Christian (the only ones who can be saved/going to heaven apparently), spread the word of God, because he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble and so forth he deemed himself better. At later times he'd deny this though and make it look like I was loosing my marbles.
He said I had no right to say my piece as I had not read the Bible properly there for had no understanding. That he was warned in the Bible he would be under constant attack from the Devil in his own family. Yes there was times amongst all the snapping, preaching and passive aggressive games to punish me of withholding sex, not bothering to help out around the house and days of silence that he told me he wasn't speaking to me as I had the devil in me. That he wasn't open to debate with the devil or being persecuted. All this and I still clung onto this relationship.
Before he became a reborn again Cristian there were plenty of other issues and still some the same as now but we got through them, picked up the pieces. I feel like I can't win this battle- it's not like some other woman or an ott hobby. The only time things felt good, that I got some proper attention and affection and when things were pleasent for a few days after before the cycle repeated was during/after sex. During the last several months even this has diminished not helped by the fact for over a year he's slept on the sofa due to his snoring which was supposed to be just a part time measure so I wasn't too sleep deprived and until he tried to sort it which never happened. But he prefers it there now because of less temptation I presume?
I never had a really high libido in the last few years because of my contraception but regardless he still got it whenever he wished even if I felt tired or ill. I found myself in a position having gone so long sometimes during these last several months I was not just craving the affection but begging for the sex itself. He kept saying it's because it was wrong as we're not married and that he continually prays for abstinence, that he can't really keep on committing the same sin. He did re-assure (only when asked) that it didn't mean to say he didn't love/fancy me anymore, that he still wanted it and would take my feelings into account for sex every so often like every few weeks. Big of him hey? Having been living as a common law husband and wife for eleven yrs didn't count, nor did the fact we were commited with a daughter or the fact it hadn't seemed to bother him much for the first three and a half years or so as a Christian. But then again there was always background pressure from his mate to lead his life a certain way. This best mate is someone who has for the best part of his life been single (which my partner envied I'm sure), then after turning Christian jumped straight into a marriage with a Christian girl off the internet which lasted less than a couple of months. Then a year later has got engaged to a another he barely knows. What sort of example is that?
Marriage was brought up a few times in the past several months between us in regards to the sex issues but he knows I've never really wanted to marry and before becoming a Christian he felt the same. Besides which as much as part of me loved him and wanted to stay together for the good times and our daughter etc I knew if we did do it, it would all be for the wrong reasons in my eyes. Me- just so I can have a regular sex life/some regular loving affection back and him mainly because the Bible tells him so. If by the rare chance I did want to marry it would have to be someone who did it from the heart, that I clicked with and was still blissfully happy come five years of being engaged down the line- a soul mate type. I found myself agreeing to marry him one night just desperate for some love (of both kinds) but it was soon forgotten about as the days went on and yet more rows went by. He actually even said at the time my face after looked like someone who had been handed a death sentence not proposed to- that's how wrong it felt.
The night before last felt like the final straw. It had been around two months since we'd last had sex or I'd had any proper attention/affection (maybe even a bit longer?). Not through my want of trying or asking nicely before this when I thought things had been relatively amicable between us and got false hope as he seemed more caring than normal. But I was always fobbed off with "too tired" or "soon". This led to me trying to have one of my pleading talks with him about how upset I was. That he'd gone back on his promise. Tears fell and he comforted me which led to kissing which led to foreplay which led to "I can't do this" just literally before doing the business. (Sorry if too much info).Yes he was appologetic but I'd never felt so humiliated on top of all that hurt.
I questioned him how on earth was we suppose to have a relationship with no intimacy bearing in mind he said he still loved me,wanted us to be together and no he didn't want me getting it elsewhere?
The marriage/sex thing got brought up again and he bluntly said things would be so much easier if only I were like a meek Christian woman instead of like who I was. I felt too upset to bother retaliating to that much apart from muttering something about he'd be better off with a down trodden 60's housewife or a robotic Stepford wife- the latter which was wasted on him as he'd never seen the film.The next day (yesterday) when home from work he's acting like nothing has happened, trying to be all sweetness and light by actually talking more about random cr*p, even offering to do the dishes (yep that surprised me)..but conveniently has an early night as he's tired the moment it's just us two downstairs. My last words to him were that I don't want to carry on like this as he pretended to already be asleep.
Apart from praying for some sort of miracle I don't know what to do?
I don't know how to get through to him? Sometimes I don't think I have the strength left in me for this any more but neither do I want to be alone.
Thank you for reading.
0
Comments
-
To be honest I'm suprised you want to sleep with him at all anymore. I suppose it's because you've been together so long. But for me if my partner went crazy like that they wouldn't be the same person I had started the relationship with and I would leave.
If someone told me I had the devil in me Id think they had gone insane and should see a dr. But seeing as they won't see it like that unless you want to live with someone like this the rest of your life I'd leave.
You say you don't want to be alone but it sounds like you are already. I don't see how it could possibly be worse than living with this every day. Plus there is no reason why you couldn't meet someone else in the future.0 -
Oh sweetheart I am sending you a big hug.
He is not behaving like a Christian he is behaving like a fanatic in my opinion. I know one of these so called Christians who can spout the bible non stop from beginning to end but in other areas of life I find one of the rudest people I know!
I find it difficult to see them twice a week (at a shared hobby) so how on earth you cope daily is beyond me. I appreciate you love him but you are not living you are being bullied by someone who is supposed to love you.
He is being hypocritical to my mind and I think you need to get out which is not normally something I would encourage but he doesn't sound like someone you want to marry so think you have got to the end of the road.
Hope it works out for you.0 -
I feel for you OP, sounds a sad life you are living at the moment, and doesn't sound to be like this is going to go away.
I do think it's time you need to call it a day, and move on. The thought of being on your own can be terrifying, but believe me you do get over that - when my first husband walked out on me, I was left with a 2 year old and simply terrified of life of my own, but I settled into my new 'single' life quicker than I had imagined and I look back now and think the only regret I have is that it wasn't me that had walked out, he didn't deserve me!
There's other happiness out there OP, please chase it. Good luck.0 -
You have a religious fanatic living in your house. One who is bullying you and abusing you by withholding sex and terrorising you in your own home.
If it wasn't for the bills, would you have already left? Or kicked him out? I would have.Sanctimonious Veggie. GYO-er. Seed Saver. Get in.0 -
You have my utmost sympathy, from a more relaxed Christian perspective. Some Christians are just idiots, and right now he's using his religion to treat you badly. He wants the pipe-dream of what he thinks a perfect 'Biblical' relationship is (mixed in with what he sees as his responsibilities as 'head of the household'), and the Calvinist bit won't be helping, nor the Jack Chick stuff. I won't go into all the theology of it all, but the issue really is with him and not you; he feels he's letting God down, and there's not much you can do about that. He's treating you with utter disrespect, and unless you're prepared to ride it out until his theology calms down (which may take years or never) I can't see this improving. I would just warn you of a little psychological thing that some Christians with non-Christian partners do - there's a verse in the New Testament about a Christian staying in a mixed marriage unless the non-Christian partner refuses to live peacably with them, at which point the Christian is free to let them go, so that can subconsciously be used as a reason to engender fights and arguments. I know you're not married, but that may well be where his attitude is going - trying to provoke a split so you leave and he gets a get out of jail free card.
I'm really sorry I can't give you anything more hopeful to go on. It sounds like he's using his faith as an excuse for really horrible and selfish behaviour, and dressing it up as something Godly. Essentially he hasn't matured in his faith, and part of that may be the 'Christian' company he keeps. It's perfectly possible to be a committed Christian and NOT be an a-hole, but unfortunately he's not at that place yet. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that in your position I would leave; you can't change him and he can't change you and right now your views are incompatible. I'm so sorry."Save £12k in 2019" #120 - £100,699.57/£100,0000 -
I have a work colleague who is married to this sort of 'christian' she regularly suffers domestic abuse. Get out whilst you can.
Never let success go to your head, never let failure go to your heart.0 -
Hi there,
Sorry to say what you have there is not a real relationship, he is a controlling, manipulative, abusive fanatic. You need to get out of that damaging relationship, if not for yourself for your daughters sake, he is emotionally and physically abusing you especially using sex and affection as a manner to control and upset you.
Is this guy british? I feel he is likely african descent? I was in a relationship with a similar type, wasnt as religious but he would use religion as and when it suited him to support his wierd ways of thinking. He too was abusive, sexually, emotionally and finally physically, i left him and he has jumped again straight into living with another woman and within a year had a kid (I left as he had a kid with another woman and was a serial cheat).
You have been together a long time BUT how much of that was happy and how much of that was like this, life is too short to suffer like this. I am a single mum and its not that bad...in fact its good to do what you want without worrying about what the man in your life will do or what mood he will be in or lying on the side of the bed each night crying because he won't hug, kiss or touch you...because he says you don't deserve it! Life is too short to live like this...you will be surprised how fast life can change once you allow it to, take the first step, be brave and start a new life without the low life loser.
All the best hun x0 -
Sorry - but this chap most definitely is not a Christian ...he is an Extremist and falls into exactly the same category as the Muslim Extremist who revert to terrorism.
I too would suggest that you start to make arrangements to leave him ....0 -
This isn't really about Christianity, or religion. This is about someone with extreme views who's become unbearable to be with. The fact that he's chosen to focus on God is almost an irrelevancy.
You have a nutter on your hands, OP. You know what you need to do really, don't you?"Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell" - Edward Abbey.0 -
Another one here saying get out. Extremist and sounds like he's starting to bully you. What happens when your daughter is wanting to go out with her friends dressed like most teenagers? Will he start on her? Best of luck xMe, OH, grown DS, (other DS left home) and Mum (coming up 80!). Considering foster parenting. Hints and tips on saving £ always well received. Xx
March 1st week £80 includes a new dog bed though £63 was food etc for the week.0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 351.9K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.5K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 454.1K Spending & Discounts
- 244.9K Work, Benefits & Business
- 600.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177.4K Life & Family
- 258.7K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.2K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards