Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.

Mrs_Z

Dump him and move on.

You deserve better.

make_me_wise

Run for the hills OP. He sounds like a nutter

Courgette

Could your older children not look after your daughter in the evening while you work? Not ideal I know but perhaps an okay temporary solution.

Good luck OP. I had an abusive partner many years ago. It was scary at first when I left but not as scary as you might imagine. This isn't normal and life doesn't have to be this way

meritaten

Financial considerations can always be worked out - please contact either Citizens Advice or Womens Aid. you may need to move but would that be a bad thing? I think its scaring you - I know I would be scared but isn't staying put worse?

seven-day-weekend

This man is not living as a Christian, he appears to be full of judgement and pride.

The little bit I know about Calvinism says that it is an extremely narrow and judgmental brand of Christianity and lacking in love. Anyone not 'predestined' will never have a chance because there is no way back for them.

I personally think this is an abusive relationship which the OP should leave, it is giving her daughter a warped view of both relationships and Christianity.

Fire_Fox

Firstly all I could think when reading the first post is personality disorder. If I am right he will never change, it is not healthy for children to be around people with certain personality disorders they are at greater risk of developing problems themselves.

"Cluster B personality disorders

A person with a cluster B personality disorder struggles to relate to others. As a result, they show patterns of behaviour most would regard as dramatic, erratic and threatening or disturbing.

Antisocial personality disorder
A person with an antisocial personality disorder sees other people as vulnerable and may intimidate or bully others without remorse. They lack concern about consequences their actions may have.
Symptoms include:
lack of concern, regret or remorse about other people's distress
irresponsibility and disregard for normal social behaviour
difficulty in sustaining long-term relationships
little ability to tolerate frustration and to control their anger
lack of guilt, or not learning from their mistakes
blaming others for problems in their lives

Narcissistic personality disorder
A person with a narcissistic personality disorder swings between seeing themselves as special and fearing they are worthless. They may act as if they have an inflated sense of their own importance and show an intense need for other people to look up to them.
Other symptoms include:
exaggerating their own achievements and abilities
thinking they are entitled to be treated better than other people
exploiting other people for their own personal gain
lacking empathy for other people's weaknesses
looking down on people they feel are ‘beneath’ them, while feeling deeply envious of people they see as being ‘above’ them"
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Personality-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx


Of course you can manage financially without him, many many women manage on benefits. You have a council house so as long as the rent is paid (start checking!) you have a roof over your head. After that prioritise your bills and pay what is most important, basic food and council tax are what the debt charities CCCS and PayPlan recommend. Everything else pay what you can or write letters including token payments of £1 a month. If you have to go onto a debt management plan, it's really not the end of the world for many it is a relief.

Claim whatever benefits you are eligible for, work if and when you can around caring for your family, you've contributed to society and now is YOUR time of need. You can claim benefits as separated even if he is still living in the house but about to leave, it's slightly more complex but it can be done. If you go that route you must not be living as man and wife, that doesn't mean beds or nookie, it means being a couple too - not doing his laundry, not shopping for groceries, cooking or eating together for example.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

If the council house is in your name then change the locks. Kick him and his crap out.

consultant31

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

I'm trying to do the SOA thing as well but things are complicated going by just my current personal earnings/income to afford the bills as if he were to leave I'd have to give up my evening job which would in turn affect the tax credits. On top of this my eldest daughter is due to leave college soon which is going to affect child tax credits/child benefit.

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Of course you can manage financially without him, many many women manage on benefits. You have a council house so as long as the rent is paid (start checking!) you have a roof over your head. After that prioritise your bills and pay what is most important, basic food and council tax are what the debt charities CCCS and PayPlan recommend. Everything else pay what you can or write letters including token payments of £1 a month. If you have to go onto a debt management plan, it's really not the end of the world for many it is a relief.

Look at your situation from your children's point of view. It must be misery living in a home with such a person as your husband. If your elder daughter came home with a boyfriend like him, how would you feel?

As someone else said, you can choose to live like this (or not) your children don't get that choice and that really isn't fair. Give them a happier life. It doesn't even sound as though you'd be much worse off financially if he doesn't contribute much.

Note Firefox's reply to you (bolded) above. Benefits are there for such as you and your family so that you don't need to live in misery and fear.

Take courage and make him leave the house then change the locks.

Tiglath

Don't forget that he'd have to pay maintenance for your daughter. And if he kicks off about that, 1 Timothy 5:8 in the KJV

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

trailingspouse

I'm not a Christian - but I know emotional abuse when I see it. Ask yourself these questions
If you're at home, and he's out, do you look forward to him coming home? Or do you dread it?
Do you find yourself wondering/imagining what life would be like if he just wasn't around (died in a car crash for example)?
When you're talking to him, do you run everything through a sort of censorship in your head first, so that you don't say the 'wrong thing'?
Do you ever have a normal conversation with him?
Does he ever ask you how you're feeling?
Do you ever just have a laugh?

I know you don't believe it at the moment, but you really can do better. You deserve better. To be honest, being on your own would be better - and you never know, some nice normal guy might find you (or you find him).
Don't bother quoting scripture at him - you're never going to win that one. Don't engage - just do what you've got to do to get him out. He'll act all hurt and surprised, of course - they always do. You're going to have to summon all your strength, and it isn't going to be easy - but don't let little things like that stop you.