Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.

heartbreak_star

Regarding your daughter - she sounds like a bit of a whinger who needs a wakeup call. Doesn't switch her electric blanket off? Take it out of her room. Don't buy her food - she can provide her own. I'm simply stating the sort of stuff my mum would have done

You're not trapped. You can leave at any time. Your low self-esteem is due to the fact he's mentally browbeaten it out of you.

£948 plus £200 from your son plus at least £100 from your daughter (be firm!) is enough to squeeze by on if you all pull together and are careful.

Good luck and lots of love.

HBS x

margaretclare

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Regarding your daughter - she sounds like a bit of a whinger who needs a wakeup call. Doesn't switch her electric blanket off? Take it out of her room. Don't buy her food - she can provide her own. I'm simply stating the sort of stuff my mum would have done

You're not trapped. You can leave at any time. Your low self-esteem is due to the fact he's mentally browbeaten it out of you.

£948 plus £200 from your son plus at least £100 from your daughter (be firm!) is enough to squeeze by on if you all pull together and are careful.

Good luck and lots of love.

HBS x

I agree with all of this. And that daughter would have a very firm kick up the bum, were she mine.

'Snacks' - what does she mean by that? She moans if you don't get 'snacks' in. Showing my generation again, but I grew up when food on the table was the priority - we hadn't heard of 'snacks'. And her boy-friend's mum 'doesn't mind'. Well, maybe she does mind but, for her own reasons, has decided not to make an issue of it. Washing, tumble-drying, electric blanket on, all cost a huge amount of money. Daughter is another adult who should stand on her own two feet. Just one more issue to sort out, along with the OH - I feel for you. It must seem like an impossible mountain to climb. I am so sorry.

Bangton

On the daughter front...hardly ever at home? Well she stills lives at home and if you weren't there providing a house for her to return to to get new clothes etc etc she would be renting her own place for a dam sight more than £200!! But anyway, that's your choice what you want to do : )

If it wasn't for money and feeling like you'd be on the shelf...would you leave? If the answer if yes than it's not your partner you want...it's the security of him paying half the bills and having someone to go home to even if that person isn't what you want. I'm not normally someone who would tell you to leave but as I said before...what's your alternative...live with someone with extreme beliefs that you don't share? Who can't give you the normal things you would get from a relationship because of said beliefs?
You say you might be lonely and left on the shelf? Are you not lonely now? Are you not stressed and frustrated on a constant basis? Is that really how you want to live?

topsyturvy74

Thanks to the last few posters.

Yes my eldest daughter can whinge all right and she also knows exactly how to press my buttons in making me feel ****. She's quick to lay the guilt trip on thick and fast by pointing out how she's saved up for things all by herself (driving lessons/test), buys most of her clothes etc and food as she's not here (her choice though)- for those reasons alone she'd probably make out she stands on her own two feet a lot more than her brother who after paying rent does tend to squander money.
I do obviously help out when I can- hundreds of £'s towards her holiday fund for example or things every now and then like college stuff, petrol money or other bits and bobs. But it's kind of either forgotten about in her lectures at me or she thinks it should be her given right anyway as I still recieve benefits for her.

That's her justification too in using excess amounts of electric/gas in having long showers/constant baths, tumble drying loads of washing unnecessarily as she needs it all
within the hour and no doubt leaving her electric blanket on. As for the snacks thing- oh it's your typical teenage thing of "great theres no food in the house" meaning no ready available food like crisps, choc bars, biscuits etc- I know- God help them.lol. I do purposefully not get things in like that sometimes just so it means they have to prepare something or use the cooker when I'm at work- aren't I mean?


The £948 figure includes my sons rent. It's hard to tell if she got the same sort of hours as him or more (once finishing college) whether she'd move out to prove some sort of point or play it safe longer?. If I did say her rent were £100 per month (because of her outgoings) it would cause huge arguements because of what my son was paying. Her extra money of the above amount (if payed) on top of the £948 figure would probably cancel out any little rent/council house benefit I might get which in turn would mean every single penny going on shopping/bills with none left over for any extra's mentioned in my previous post. I'd obviously have to find other work/childcare asap as I couldn't see me surviving for very long like that.

In reply to the last post- the answer is yes to most but then I see it as whats the likely hood of a decent bloke who likes kids, has a good job and that I click with turning up on my door step in the next five years as I hardly get out to meet any really? Even though I don't want to be alone/stressed/frustrated theres also this pessemistic part of me that thinks that knowing how relationships start going down the swanny anyway a year down the line once the honeymoon period is over can I really be bothered with going through all that all over again? Who's to say after that time that relationship won't be worse than the last- like in the end you'll just be swopping one load of problems/annoyances for another load. I can't seem to shake that feeling off.

Tenyearstogo

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

Thanks to the last few posters.

In reply to the last post- the answer is yes to most but then I see it as whats the likely hood of a decent bloke who likes kids, has a good job and that I click with turning up on my door step in the next five years as I hardly get out to meet any really? Even though I don't want to be alone/stressed/frustrated theres also this pessemistic part of me that thinks that knowing how relationships start going down the swanny anyway a year down the line once the honeymoon period is over can I really be bothered with going through all that all over again? Who's to say after that time that relationship won't be worst than the last- like in the end you'll just be swopping one load of problems/annoyances for another load. I can't seem to shake that feeling off.

You can be single and happy. Many women are.

heretolearn_2

You are miserable now. How would it be worse to be single?

gonzo127

ok so it seems you have got two issues really, one has been covered in that you need to split up with that guy, he is no good for you or your kids, so i wont go into any more detail on this,

second of course is the finances which seem to revolve in some way aorund your oldest daughter, now i dont know what sort of person they are or how much you talk to each other, however have you considered being totally honest with her? explain that you have got to the point where you are going to be asking for your current OH to leave, however when you have done the calculations on the finances you are going to be X amount short, which for the time being you would need to be made up by slightly increased rent from her and her brother?

if you cant do the above i would say the simplest way is just lay down the 'law' in a % of income is required for rent (i would say 1/3rd of their take home wage but some people go with 1/4),

no ifs and no buts, how they choose the live their life and spend the rest of their money is down to them, as with any other adult, rent/mortgage costs come before going out,

if they honestly believe they can get a place with all bills and food etc included for less than 1/3 of their wages let them, even go as far as look on rightmove for places to rent for them, and work out rough gas and electric bills + council tax + telephone line and broadband and TV license etc for their new place, i would say in 95% of all cases with a teenager they will choose to stay at home because living on their own would cost a lot more which would mean less going out and having fun

EDIT - just a secondary thought, i wonder how much your daughter always being out of the house is down to the problems between you and your OH or just the way he now behaves, you never know 'getting rid' of your OH might mean your daughter spends more time at home because home might become a nicer place to be

margaretclare

In reply to the last post- the answer is yes to most but then I see it as whats the likely hood of a decent bloke who likes kids, has a good job and that I click with turning up on my door step in the next five years as I hardly get out to meet any really? Even though I don't want to be alone/stressed/frustrated theres also this pessemistic part of me that thinks that knowing how relationships start going down the swanny anyway a year down the line once the honeymoon period is over can I really be bothered with going through all that all over again? Who's to say after that time that relationship won't be worst than the last- like in the end you'll just be swopping one load of problems/annoyances for another load. I can't seem to shake that feeling off.

It may not be the likeliest of scenarios, but it can happen. DH and I are living proof that, unlikely as it may seem, it does happen. I was widowed, redundant, poor, struggling - he was in a second miserable marriage with an abusive wife. It happened for us in 1997 and we're still together, still happy.

Snacks - I wouldn't buy them. 'Typical teenage thing' - well, maybe that's why so many people are becoming obese, because of this 'snacking' habit started in youth so it's harder to lose.

Errata

I guess the bottom line is the OP can either stay with their partner for the money, or not. Their choice.

Panda78

Tell your kids how you feel and why you need to leave your partner - once you have made your mind up on this. They will surely then understand that they need to pay their fair share and perhaps your relationship with them will improve, so you might not feel so alone.

Your making single life sound so terrible and to be honest it's quite demeaning to all those who have are single through choice or lack of the right partner, divorce or death etc. It might help to read your original post again. The picture you paint of your partner and your relationship is dire. I don't know why you would let your life continue like that.