Please help-partners Christian faith feels like the last straw.

topsyturvy74

Thanks to those still replying with messages of support and advice.
Appologies for just getting round to replying, haven't felt on top form the past day or so (picked up my son's chest infection I'm sure of it). Besides which ended up in another kind of emotional debate with my partner saturday night which did last for some time. I say debate it wasn't screaming/shouting- more so everything been brought up all over again. Plenty of tears on my part and reasoning, appologies from him but also lots of denying. I could tell he was eering on the side of caution when it came to actually comforting me though until I actually pointed out how much that hurt- no doubt incase he thought I might get the wrong idea or it led to something more.Things were relatively pleasent anyway come Sunday with him even being more caring/helpful/talkative/teeny bit affectionate which although welcoming I knew it was just the on-going cycle just repeating itself.

I don't have the time to respond to all individual questions (sorry) but there were lots of things mentioned by you all that has crossed my mind many many times before now due to how he is/treats me or the influence on our child whether it be due to his religion or our relationship. If theres one thing I do actively encourage though in telling my children (especially my daughters) is not to settle for the kind of relationship I have but the very best. To also get a good career and save before you settle down and have kids so they hopefully will never be trapped and finacially dependent on a man. It's irronic to a sense that a lot of people I know (especially those divorced) think I'm wise beyond my years for never wanting to marry in the first place either with my ex or current partner. But even that doesn't guarantee a lack of heart ache or financial mess does it?

My mind is still whirling in regards to trying to sort out finances even with the benefit help links available on the internet. I get half way through the questions before it needs answers I can't provide as yet so can't really go further. I did some notes/estimated figures the best I could for different circumstances like:
a) my current situation
b) once eldest daughter leaves full time education and/or she moves out soon (so she says- more independent than her brother)
c) combining circumstance (b) with my partner moving out.

At the lowest end of the income scale (circumstance c) I was looking at an estimated figure of just under £948 per month. Thats taking into account child benefit, child tax credit and child maintenance for my eldest daughter stopping. Myself initially on some sort of benefit such as income based jsa, maitenance for my youngest daughter* and my son's monthly rent/upkeep. However what I couldn't work out was what percentage of housing or council tax benefit I might be entitled to because of my son's earnings? (currently £168 wkly approx). Plus not knowing if my eldest daughter will get a different job with more hours (she's currently applying, does 7 hrs per wk now) and stays on at home?.

Regardless my eldest daughter has already told me in not so many words there's no way she can afford to give me anything on part time hours even if she gets different job/more hours as she has more outgoings than her brother (running her car) which I understand. But she's also said even if on full time hours she won't pay what her brother does (£200 per month) as she reckons she can get somewhere a lot cheaper all bills included.

(*Maintenance for my youngest daughter would no doubt drop down for 3 months per yr due to her dads job being seasonal and him claiming contribution based jsa).

My monthly out goings as they currently stand (but bear in mind my partner and I split bills) comes to approx £1089.00. That amount includes all bills including the rent and council tax and shopping. Unfortunately theres bills such as the water rates and gas/electric I can't get any lower on due to 1.) already being on the cheapest tarrif and 2.) being the lowest amount they will accept to take into account the amount of the bill and some arrears. What that figure doesn't include is anything for extras such as clothing for us, school trips, things for the home, birthdays, emegencies and oh I almost forgot pet supplies (youngest has a hamster). I don't even know what to estimate for the above?

I'm not sure how/if providing current finacial incomings and outgoings on the soa boards would be beneficial going on all of the above and considering how much things could differ?

Thanks again and also thank you to those who have p.m me.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very distressing.

As a Christian, your husband would be keen to uphold your marriage and treat you with love, kindness and respect. It doesn't sound like he is doing that. Perhaps you could ask him why? The Bible does not condone any of the controlling behaviour he is displaying.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very distressing.

As a Christian, your husband would be keen to uphold your marriage and treat you with love, kindness and respect. It doesn't sound like he is doing that. Perhaps you could ask him why? The Bible does not condone any of the controlling behaviour he is displaying.

They aren't married.

OP.- why is having the best ok for your girls, but not for you?

Lunar_Eclipse

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

They aren't married.

Sorry, I completely missed that. That could be an "issue" for practising Christians, although he should still be treating her in a Christ-like way, which has not been described.

Mojisola

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

Regardless my eldest daughter has already told me in not so many words there's no way she can afford to give me anything on part time hours even if she gets different job/more hours as she has more outgoings than her brother (running her car) which I understand.

But she's also said even if on full time hours she won't pay what her brother does (£200 per month) as she reckons she can get somewhere a lot cheaper all bills included.

You might be telling your daughter not to settle for the relationship you have but that isn't stopping her treating you like your OH does!

Why is your daughter setting her terms for staying at your house?

If she won't contribute money at the moment, what share of the household jobs is she doing to pay in kind for her keep? If she thinks she can live somewhere else for £200 a month, send her off to do so.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Sorry, I completely missed that. That could be an "issue" for practising Christians, although he should still be treating her in a Christ-like way, which has not been described.

Yeah - did you read any of the OP's posts?

duchy

topsyturvy74 wrote: »

Regardless my eldest daughter has already told me in not so many words there's no way she can afford to give me anything on part time hours even if she gets different job/more hours as she has more outgoings than her brother (running her car) which I understand. But she's also said even if on full time hours she won't pay what her brother does (£200 per month) as she reckons she can get somewhere a lot cheaper all bills included.

Less than £50 a week with all bills eh ? Food as well as I suppose .......... I think she's in for a bit of a shock.:) Perhaps a bit of financial education wouldn't hurt. I'd be tempted to tell her if she thinks she can do better to do so -or pay up ! Who is forcing her to run a car ...or is it a choice she has made ? Sorry but she seems to think you are a pushover. Either she's an adult or she's a child-not a child with adult privileges but no adult responsibilities !

securityguy

duchy wrote: »

Sorry but she seems to think you are a pushover.

Well, she's watching the OP being bullied and pushed around, so it's hardly as though either have healthy adult relationships to model matters on.

LannieDuck

Agree with the others. Your daughter should pay the same as your son - no favouritism. If she's on part-time wages, you could pro rata.

As for the rest, I think you're making it too complicated. You need to work out what you'd be entitled to if he left now. The benefits board might help you check if you've missed anything from your £948 figure.

topsyturvy74

I do wish for the best for myself just like I do for my daughters but our situations are so different. I've made my mistakes, trapped myself, have little self esteem to the point I'm so scared of change and what it will bring -years of struggling financially, coping as a single parent and the worst lonliness and thinking I'll be stuck on the slelf forever after.
I guess theres many reasons why women stick it out in second rate relationships? Theres so much history between my partner and I (not just bad stuff) and of course theres that part of me that still loves him and feels loved by him when the going is good.

In regards to my eldest daughter- I completely forgot to mention in my previous post that a fair bit of her reasoning behind not paying me what her brother would do in regards to rent/upkeep besides her outgoings..is the fact that she says she's hardly ever here which she has a point. She chooses though to spend nights (several in the week) sleeping over at her boyfriends house. Since having her car last year she is always off out somewhere (even after say college) either just driving about, at mates, the gym. I'm always saying to her not to impose on her boyfriends mum too much-in all ways. She tells me that his mum doesn't mind, that she's only really there come the evening anyway. That no- she doesn't eat all their food either as she uses a lot of her wages on snacks/take aways which is supposed to be saved for her car/upcoming holiday which defeats the whole object of me getting enough food shopping in (she soon moans if I haven't got enough snacks in).

However she does come back home either most days or every second day- sometimes fleetingly to have a long shower, change of clothes before off out again. Then every second or third day for a few hours to get more showers, wash/tumble dry all her clothes (even if good weather),cook food, and laze around in bed with the her tv, laptop and electric blanket on (which she never remembers to switch off 3/4 of the time). Then every 3rd to 4th day will stay at home and sleep in her own bed. Well that seems to be the pattern of late. The car- yes she chooses to run that. It was payed from a savings bond my mum had set up years ago and given as an 18th birthday present after passing her test. To make life more easier for her in getting to college, getting future jobs and so forth. I don't think she thinks I'm some sort of pushover as such but she's always had this attitude of feeling hard done by- like I owe her a lot more than I can give because friends she's chosen over the years and her boyfriend always seem to get this, that and the other.

Had a good look at the benefits board tonight and will think about posting soon.

Thank you.