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Daughter leaving home......
Comments
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I was the middle one and was pretty much ignored because of the scrapes my elder brother was getting into or the mental stresses my younger sister was experiencing.
It just made me independent and now, the grown up, sensible one...so sensible that I am the executor of my parent's wills.
When I spoke to my parents about it, they said I had always been the more independent one, the more know my own mind child and so, didn't need the amount of parental attention the others did...and they were right, although it still bugs me how my siblings did ok in their exams in their eyes (two low grade qualifications between them), yet I didn't (9 'O' levels and high grade CSEs).
I have repeated the mistake though but this time with the eldest son as the other two had/have major needs due to their disabilities and for that, I feel eternally guilty and awful.
I so understand your last paragraph! my youngest son had serious medical issues and middle son always seemed to be ok and handled things - my oldest (DD), has always been very mature and understood my needing to be 'there' for youngest.
You can only do your best at the time! if middle son had asked for more of my time - he would have got it! I 'assumed' he was ok - and should have asked him if he was.
I am not saying my middle son has big issues with me over this - since becoming a parent himself he does understand a bit better. and our relationship is slowly improving.0 -
I understand both sides with the debate about personal belongings. Yes you should take responsibility for them, remembering where they are etc.
But equally it's not unreasonable to ask for a little respect from other household members to leave them alone if you do leave them out (and they are not causing a nuisance/mess to others).
Sometimes I leave things out I need for the next day and Mum comes along and tidies them away, I respect she is head of household and on rent book but I do live here and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be able to leave something out that I need.0 -
but I do live here and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be able to leave something out that I need.
I understand what your saying but what if each member of the family leaves a few items lying around. It just means that whoever who does the cleaning has to work twice as hard, shifting stuff before starting the cleaning..... Then they have reasons why they havent put things away ie they were tired, busy, in a rush etc and before long a few more items get left out.
Maybe i am being a bit extreme, but you get me drift?
Yes i think the OP's daughter was being petty and i'm not excusing the brother for drinking it and i'm not excusing him for using her headphones either but i do think she was being petty and childish. Stamping her feet and having a bit of a flounce. If she had put the headphones away then he wouldnt have used them.
The brother must be reminded that he cant just take stuff that doesnt belong to him to use without asking first.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
I understand what your saying but what if each member of the family leaves a few items lying around. It just means that whoever who does the cleaning has to work twice as hard, shifting stuff before starting the cleaning..... Then they have reasons why they havent put things away ie they were tired, busy, in a rush etc and before long a few more items get left out.
Maybe i am being a bit extreme, but you get me drift?
Yes i think the OP's daughter was being petty and i'm not excusing the brother for drinking it and i'm not excusing him for using her headphones either but i do think she was being petty and childish. Stamping her feet and having a bit of a flounce. If she had put the headphones away then he wouldnt have used them.
The brother must be reminded that he cant just take stuff that doesnt belong to him to use without asking first.
I think not being able to leave anything out is a bit extreme, it's up to the adult to set the rules and if those rules are broken (ie a few things become more things as per your example) then action should be taken.
But yes I do see where you are coming from. I did say in my post though- and you cut this bit out- as long as it's not causing a nuisance/mess to other household members then stuff within reason should be left alone and respectedOf course ask 10 people the definition of reasonable in this context and I reckon there would be 10 different answers!
With your example if cleaning is taking twice as long because of all the stuff out then obviously that is causing a nuisance and should be addressed.
The only kinds of things I tend to leave out are a small amount of personal items and domestic; such as kit needed to clean the cat litter box; sandwich making stuff if i am getting an early train or packets/utensils/pots and pans when cooking (if it is a big meal). All out 1-2 days in advance and put out of the way.
I have CFS among other problems and over the years have found ways to help me manage my precious energy. Not fiddling around getting everything out immediately before chores is one thing that works for me.
I have two cups (one for water and one for squash, yuk I can't drink water out of a cup which has had something else in) which I use over the course of the week, only putting them in the sink before that and getting new ones if they get really grubby. I make every effort to keep them in the same place. Yet Mum will randomly decide to put all the cups in the sink and wash them a several days later- which is a waste because they still had useage left and she or I now have 2x quantity to do!
I don't think it is so unreasonable in those instances to expect my Mum to leave things like that well alone. We do go through phases where she tidies everything I leave out away promptly (why I honestly do not know because she is very lax about leaving lots of her stuff lying around for weeks or even months!) and it really is a horrible feeling that you can't leave anything out in the place you live in.
I think as long as the items left out are reasonable then it is perfectly reasonable to expect the other household members to treat them with respect.
In OP's case I think the daughter should have tidied away her headphones; but equally she should be able to have an expectation that they will be left alone.0 -
I have two cups (one for water and one for squash, yuk I can't drink water out of a cup which has had something else in) which I use over the course of the week, only putting them in the sink before that and getting new ones if they get really grubby. I make every effort to keep them in the same place. Yet Mum will randomly decide to put all the cups in the sink and wash them a several days later- which is a waste because they still had useage left and she or I now have 2x quantity to do!
You have two cups which you use for a whole week without washing them up in between?Sanctimonious Veggie. GYO-er. Seed Saver. Get in.0 -
I have two cups (one for water and one for squash, yuk I can't drink water out of a cup which has had something else in) which I use over the course of the week, only putting them in the sink before that and getting new ones if they get really grubby. I make every effort to keep them in the same place. Yet Mum will randomly decide to put all the cups in the sink and wash them a several days later- which is a waste because they still had useage left and she or I now have 2x quantity to do!
.
Yuk!
Your mother probably doesn't want you to catch something nasty (particularly as you have health issues) by drinking from filthy cups!0 -
Sorry but drinking out of the same cup without washing it over a period of several days is just vile. Over the same day -I can understand ........ and a few cups in a sink take a very short time to wash.
Funky in the American sense - as in.... that cup of Ribina tastes funky ...is shedding new light on your user name !!I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
I think not being able to leave anything out is a bit extreme, it's up to the adult to set the rules and if those rules are broken (ie a few things become more things as per your example) then action should be taken.
But yes I do see where you are coming from. I did say in my post though- and you cut this bit out- as long as it's not causing a nuisance/mess to other household members then stuff within reason should be left alone and respectedOf course ask 10 people the definition of reasonable in this context and I reckon there would be 10 different answers!
With your example if cleaning is taking twice as long because of all the stuff out then obviously that is causing a nuisance and should be addressed.
The only kinds of things I tend to leave out are a small amount of personal items and domestic; such as kit needed to clean the cat litter box; sandwich making stuff if i am getting an early train or packets/utensils/pots and pans when cooking (if it is a big meal). All out 1-2 days in advance and put out of the way.
I have CFS among other problems and over the years have found ways to help me manage my precious energy. Not fiddling around getting everything out immediately before chores is one thing that works for me.
I have two cups (one for water and one for squash, yuk I can't drink water out of a cup which has had something else in) which I use over the course of the week, only putting them in the sink before that and getting new ones if they get really grubby. I make every effort to keep them in the same place. Yet Mum will randomly decide to put all the cups in the sink and wash them a several days later- which is a waste because they still had useage left and she or I now have 2x quantity to do!
I don't think it is so unreasonable in those instances to expect my Mum to leave things like that well alone. We do go through phases where she tidies everything I leave out away promptly (why I honestly do not know because she is very lax about leaving lots of her stuff lying around for weeks or even months!) and it really is a horrible feeling that you can't leave anything out in the place you live in.
I think as long as the items left out are reasonable then it is perfectly reasonable to expect the other household members to treat them with respect.
In OP's case I think the daughter should have tidied away her headphones; but equally she should be able to have an expectation that they will be left alone.
Is it a generational thing that you put more value on putting away headphones than you do about cleaning/putting away cups or food preparation items?0 -
I
The only kinds of things I tend to leave out are a small amount of personal items and domestic; such as kit needed to clean the cat litter box; sandwich making stuff if i am getting an early train or packets/utensils/pots and pans when cooking (if it is a big meal). All out 1-2 days in advance and put out of the way.
I have CFS among other problems and over the years have found ways to help me manage my precious energy. Not fiddling around getting everything out immediately before chores is one thing that works for me.
I have two cups (one for water and one for squash, yuk I can't drink water out of a cup which has had something else in) which I use over the course of the week, only putting them in the sink before that and getting new ones if they get really grubby. I make every effort to keep them in the same place. Yet Mum will randomly decide to put all the cups in the sink and wash them a several days later- which is a waste because they still had useage left and she or I now have 2x quantity to do!
I don't think it is so unreasonable in those instances to expect my Mum to leave things like that well alone. We do go through phases where she tidies everything I leave out away promptly (why I honestly do not know because she is very lax about leaving lots of her stuff lying around for weeks or even months!) and it really is a horrible feeling that you can't leave anything out in the place you live in.
I think as long as the items left out are reasonable then it is perfectly reasonable to expect the other household members to treat them with respect.
In OP's case I think the daughter should have tidied away her headphones; but equally she should be able to have an expectation that they will be left alone.
I'd go nuts if there were pans and ingredients left out on the kitchen worktop for 1-2 days, with the expectation that I just work round them until they were needed. Ditto cleaning materials for the cat tray...hopefully they're not on the kitchen worktop too? I wouldn't be tidying them up though, you'd get one chance with that and then you'd be tidying them away yourself very quickly. Clutter up a kitchen for days on a regular basis? Not in this house. Your mum is being pretty nice to you putting your stuff away for you imho. I wouldn't.
Yes, I know all about spoons theory, I've got a chronic illness myself that causes periods of extreme fatigue. It still doesn't mean I have to start laying out food prep ingredients that far in advance. However I do have one constructive piece of advice here and that's to ask your mum to clear a shelf or cupboard that you can do all this stuff in, but out her way.
Drinking from the same cups for a week is unhygenic btw, you get traces of saliva on the edge of the cups and dribbled down into the contents. Bacteria love this and as a CFS sufferer you should really be paying more attention to potential sources of infection. Low grade infections that otherwise healthy people can ignore will have more of an effect on your energy levels.Val.0
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