Daughter leaving home......

valk_scot

Dunroamin wrote: »

Sorry, I disagree.

You can't run a family on thinking like this and it devalues genuine theft. It would mean that every time a child helped him/herself to something in the fridge it would be stealing.

It's thoughtlessness, no more.

I don't allow any member of my family to help themselves out the fridge without checking first with me, and that includes my OH. I got utterly sick of going in there and discovering ingredients that I needed for the next meal had gone missing, or someone had scoffed the treat foods that were meant to be shared between four people. I have a weekly budget, I can't afford to be buying twice as much food as I should because of some "thoughtless" person going and helping themselves. It's money out my pocket when all is said and done. Or would it only be stealing if they took the money out my purse and bought the food directly?


I should point out that there is food availible for snacks that they don't need to ask me about, but they know where that is.

Heffi1

OP did you at any point ask your son if he took the drink, or is it all on the say so of your daughter, I have read the whole thread and cannot remember you saying if you had asked him or not.

ash28

pigpen wrote: »

Oh my... you spent hours 'talking' to her yet ignored your sons stealing her stuff.. something a wee bit off there. You are in fact saying he can take whatever he wants and she is not allowed to be annoyed about him taking her stuff and you condoning it.

I'd have said to daughter... bye then. have a nice time... I can't be doing with drama queening.

And the son would have get a berating about taking stuff that is not his without permission and told to replace her drink.

When she has finished her tantrum then you speak to her about keeping her stuff put away if she doesn't want it to be borrowed and the over reaction to silly things and that she won't be treated like an adult as long as she is tantrumming like a 3 year old.

Getting her bf involved is just ludicrous.. it has nothing to do with him what goes on in your house between members of your family.. as a teenage girl I would have been more cross about that than all the rest put together.

In my house if 2 children squabble over anything be that a skipping rope, a game, a pillow or a computer the item becomes mine.. I cannoy abide squabbling and removing the option for both children seems fair. If they cannot reach a compromise and share then they have to choose something else entirely.

That reminds of me of our youngest who was always a bit of a tantrum throwing drama queen (usually when we weren't there)....she was having strop in the car (Kevin like), she was about 16 - her face when I stopped the car and told her to get out was an absolute picture. And when I drove away - well I wish I'd had a camera...

She had to walk the 2 miles to the house - it was broad daylight and she knew where she was - she never did it again - it was never mentioned by either of us but I think the lesson had been learned.

If one of ours had had a tantrum and said she was leaving home, at 17 I'd have been helping her pack.....they could argue and bicker amongst themselves but not with me. And like you if it was over a toy or something then that toy was removed.

Life isn't easy and kids have to learn they aren't the centre of anyone's universe - except their own.

coinxoperated

Not read all of the comments (5 + pages! :eek:)!

But I would let her get on with it. She'll either come back or grow up a bit. Spending 3 hours trying to 'talk her out of it' over something so petty is silly and probably just adding fuel to the fire.

Sometimes being a bit colder is the nicest thing you can do!!!

sillybilly2011

That is the main reason I left my house at 19. My younger sister continued to steal stuff that I saved so much money to save up for. Like a top I purchased with the tags still on would mysteriously have the tags off and have dirt on it the following day. 'Wasn't her!'.
5 years later, she still lives at home and my mum continually forgives her for stealing my other sisters perfumes, make-up and never returning it etc! She is saving up for a deposit so she can leave for the same reason!!

coinxoperated

sillybilly2011 wrote: »

That is the main reason I left my house at 19. My younger sister continued to steal stuff that I saved so much money to save up for. Like a top I purchased with the tags still on would mysteriously have the tags off and have dirt on it the following day. 'Wasn't her!'.
5 years later, she still lives at home and my mum continually forgives her for stealing my other sisters perfumes, make-up and never returning it etc! She is saving up for a deposit so she can leave for the same reason!!

Have to add - this was part of the reason I left home too :rotfl:

Not only was I dying for my own independance (although now I would LOVE to go home and not pay bills for a couple of months!!). My younger sister asked to borrow my fave pair of flared cords for a party. Mum begged me to lend them to her.

I agreed, albeit with a 'bee stung' expression.

My sister then came downstairs in black cord shorts....

She had CUT them to bits!!!! To go with her outfit! And although my mum was willing to buy me a new pair, they were my cords. I was seriously gutted!!!

geoffky

I would be helping her pack her stuff...
And then tell her if she wants to come back with her tail between her legs she had better have a job when she does....
Being soft on 17yrs old does them no favors at all and down the line it will affect their relationships.

jellyhead

sillybilly2011 wrote: »

That is the main reason I left my house at 19. My younger sister continued to steal stuff that I saved so much money to save up for. Like a top I purchased with the tags still on would mysteriously have the tags off and have dirt on it the following day. 'Wasn't her!'.
5 years later, she still lives at home and my mum continually forgives her for stealing my other sisters perfumes, make-up and never returning it etc! She is saving up for a deposit so she can leave for the same reason!!

I still hold a grudge about this sort of thing more than 20 years later :rotfl:

It really upsets me that my mum colluded in my sister's lying, either because she couldn't be bothered to parent properly/knew she was too weak to 'win' or because she preferred my sister and wanted her to have my things. I know which way around I thought it was back then

I probably go to far the other way by making sure that my children get my time and attention, and are always listened to and treated fairly. They each have a container for 'treats'.

ash28

sillybilly2011 wrote: »

That is the main reason I left my house at 19. My younger sister continued to steal stuff that I saved so much money to save up for. Like a top I purchased with the tags still on would mysteriously have the tags off and have dirt on it the following day. 'Wasn't her!'.
5 years later, she still lives at home and my mum continually forgives her for stealing my other sisters perfumes, make-up and never returning it etc! She is saving up for a deposit so she can leave for the same reason!!

Stealing or borrowing without permission was never an issue in our house - they each had their own things from an early age and if one of them wanted to use something belonging to another one then they asked. They had to do this as young children and it just continued.

On the other hand they were pretty good on the borrowing/lending front. The other bonus was the 2 girls were totally different in build one is like Marilyn Monroe and the other is like Twiggy.....they couldn't really wear a lot of each others clothes.

If one of ours had behaved like your sister I would have gone absolutely ballistic with her. She would probably have only done it once - I would have made her pay for a replacement.

There were some communal toys when they were younger - things that were passed on to me by friends especially toys were never given to a particular child.

However, if you speak to them now (aged 30 & 31 they will each tell you that we favoured the other one....both of the girls are absolutely convinced of this and yet we used to go out our way to try to be impartial and fair, but more than that they think we favoured our son. Ask our son and he will tell you we favoured the girls.

Parents often can't win.

samtoby

With out a job, somewhere that will tolerate her hormoanes and with CFS I bet she will be back home before the weeks out.