Partner refusing to discuss deed of trust!

Person_one

dzug1 wrote: »

Not quite - isn't that the default position that you can at least attempt to negotiate away from??

Sort of.

After a short marriage without children (and there's no legal definition but apparently the courts tend to use the 2 year mark, roughly) then the aim is to return each party to the position they were in before the marriage.

After a longer marriage, or if there are children, then they look at things more closely and consider what people's needs are, if anyone fave up work etc. They also take age into consideration as younger people can more easily get mortgages, new jobs etc.

The thing is, getting to the stage where you view yourselves completely as a unit and are happy for everything you own to be 'ours' doesn't happen overnight. You don't meet someone and know immediately that you can trust them and you'll be spending the rest of your life with them. Its a gradual process.

In time, if its meant to be, then the OP and her partner will do away with the deed of trust and have completely equal and shared finances. It doesn't make sense to do it straightaway though.

ktb

When my OH's parents offered us a deposit to buy a property I pro-actively offered to sign whatever necessary to protect it for my OH. We are crazy about each other & both knew we were in it long haul, so I hand on heart didn't see it as a 'negativity' issue, as it was unlikely it would ever turn out to have been necessary - but I am a realist and have witnessed the curve balls life can throw at you, so wanted them to know that their hard saved money to be protected for their son.

As it transpires we have chosen not to buy at the moment but instead we are getting married & I'm 5 months pregnant - so has all become fairly moot...

But I would be very nervous however, if tables turned I was putting in a large sum and my OH even batted an eyelid if I suggested protecting it (for an initial period anyway) I genuinely can't see ANY issue in suggesting this in this day and age - if you are going to make it as a couple, having done this is not in my opinion a reflection on the validity of or faith in your relationship.

It doesn't have to be an un-ending thing after all - once you have been together a while I would consider assets joint and have it re-written or get married, but initially I really don't see the issue and would be suspicious if someone who claimed to love me did.

FBaby

I'm repeating myself, but why consider getting married if you are not prepared to make that full commitment? Deeds of Trust are great when you want to commit to one another, but just not completely. Marriage is about 'for the better and the worse', not just about money, but caring for each other'.

I do wonder whether marriage has become for many an aim to a fun day being the centre of attention and a nice trip away rather than what it is intended to be, complete commitment. Maybe that is why the rate of divorce is so high, because the commitment was never even there to start with.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

I'm repeating myself, but why consider getting married if you are not prepared to make that full commitment? Deeds of Trust are great when you want to commit to one another, but just not completely. Marriage is about 'for the better and the worse', not just about money, but caring for each other'.

I do wonder whether marriage has become for many an aim to a fun day being the centre of attention and a nice trip away rather than what it is intended to be, complete commitment. Maybe that is why the rate of divorce is so high, because the commitment was never even there to start with.

They aren't married yet, once they are or have been for a couple of years then the deed of trust will become irrelevant.

Jinx

FBaby wrote: »

I'm repeating myself, but why consider getting married if you are not prepared to make that full commitment? Deeds of Trust are great when you want to commit to one another, but just not completely. Marriage is about 'for the better and the worse', not just about money, but caring for each other'.

I do wonder whether marriage has become for many an aim to a fun day being the centre of attention and a nice trip away rather than what it is intended to be, complete commitment. Maybe that is why the rate of divorce is so high, because the commitment was never even there to start with.

I totally agree marriage should be a full commitment and that includes money, health, fidelity etc

However, there will be many couples who do not make the transition from fiance/fiancee to husband/wife. And there are a million reasons for couples to split.

IMO OP you do need to protect yourself - love is all very well but practical, logical, considered options are wise too. I am in the camp of hope for the best but plan for the worst.

My situation a few years back was I was divorced with a teenager and partner had been engaged before. We both sold houses to buy together and had significants amounts of cash invested in the house I am currently sat in (hubby in garage as usual lol). We spoke wills, contingencies, life plans and yes, what would happen if we ever split. We're now married and our financial agreement is moot but the conversations we had and agreement that was drawn up were worthwhile.

Good luck

claire16c

Wobblydeb wrote: »

Yep, that bit I agree with. I will also be paying slightly more than half the mortgage, but that could easily change over the years, so it seems fairest to say after the deposit everything is 50/50.

So perhaps suggest a deed that states it's not valid after marriage or 2 years in etc or ask the solicitor if this would likely be the case anyway. Perhaps your fianc! would be happier if he knew that.

piglet74

I can't understand why a couple would want to marry and take vows "for richer and for poorer".. If they are starting out life together ear marking what they brought to the relationship. Whatever happened to "what's mine is yours", in this case it is more like "what's mine is my own".

claire16c

piglet74 wrote: »

I can't understand why a couple would want to marry and take vows "for richer and for poorer".. If they are starting out life together ear marking what they brought to the relationship. Whatever happened to "what's mine is yours", in this case it is more like "what's mine is my own".

I agree but they're not actually married yet.

74jax

piglet74 wrote: »

I can't understand why a couple would want to marry and take vows "for richer and for poorer".. If they are starting out life together ear marking what they brought to the relationship. Whatever happened to "what's mine is yours", in this case it is more like "what's mine is my own".

That's ok, and many people are different. We'd all be boring if there was no differences.

In my first marriage I would never have thought we would split. I put in around 20k (about 18 years ago now). My ex walked out and I lost out.

I can totally understand how people would like to protect what they put in. My parents for example don't believe in insurance as they think that is tempting fate by having it, but I wouldn't be without mine.

I think in this instance you have to trust how you feel.

piglet74

Oh I understand they are not married, I am saying there aint much point in getting married when OP don't seem to believe in "for richer or poorer...til death do us part"...