Gutted

Orlando_Virgin

thank you so much for all of your replies guys! Seriously, I really appreciate your time. It is a difficult one, there's a part of me that just wants to text back and say "what the f*ck is any of this to do with you anymore?" but I don't want to do that.

Everyone who I value and respect in life the most (Mum, close friends) have all said the same. That there is too much water under the bridge and it won't work. It really is interesting to see that some people even see her attitude as arrogant. I have never seen that before but I can see that perspective now, which is why I enjoy getting other people's neutral opinion.

I'm just really mad because after all this time I'm taking a step backwards when I was really starting to enjoy my life again, because of all the previous emotional drain.

paulineb_2

Theres nothing wrong with having feelings for an ex, when I was 19 I was dumped by a long term ex, he really didnt care less, just when I was getting my life together up he popped again, heartbroken or so it seemed, I went back to him, he left me 3 months later

I dont regret it and people can make things work second time around, but you do have choices here. Nostalgia can tug on the heartstrings

Also, I do hope in time the girl you are seeing does become someone you do have feelings for, its a sad day because people dont treat you right, that you cant be happy with someone else

Theres nothing wrong with loving someone who left you, even 25 years on and with a hell of a lot of stuff that happened to me with that ex, in some respects I do still love him, because I was mad about him, my feelings were real and I wasnt playing at it

But Im very glad hes married to someone else and not to me, thats the bottom line.

If you are taking a step backwards, part of you is choosing to do so

dacouch

From one bloke to another, do not go back.

If the relation did not work the first time, the same reasons will be there the second time and when / if it goes wrong again you will have to go through the whole breaking up stuff again.

Move on and have fun with the new girl.

There really are plenty of fish out there

MrsAtobe

OP, does the expression 'dog in a manger' mean anything to you?

It really is none of her business who you are seeing now, how dare she comment on it? Have you made any comments about who she's been seeing or what she's been doing since the split? No? Didn't think so

marisco_2

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

It is a difficult one, there's a part of me that just wants to text back and say "what the f*ck is any of this to do with you anymore?" but I don't want to do that.

You come across on here as a really decent guy who treats people well and is respected. It is these qualities that have enabled you to handle your split with this girl with integrity. Something you should feel proud of. By not responding to her in the manner above, you don't allow her to feel that her opinions are of importance or warrant consideration. A little like the way you might treat a petulant child having a tantrum. Trust me sometimes a dignified silence is more powerful than having the last word. It also infuriates the hell out of people trying to rile you for a reaction

[Deleted User]

Hi, Orlando_Virgin. I didn't want to read and run. Ive read through all of your posts and replies to. And it seems to me that from the beginning posts she didn't want you. Now your with someone else, she does.
You've gone through the hardest bit of a split in a relationship with your dignity intact and done all the right things ie facebook deleting and phone numbers too etc.
She was happy in her life going out and when you bumped into her in the pub, you were still hurting, she wasn't. She had moved on then.

Now it seems her life isn't panning out the way she expected with all her single freedom.
I may be wrong but it seems a case of she doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you or for you to move on.
Please, just think of yourself in all of this. Whether you decide to go back or not, the second time around isn't the same. Ive been there too and its even harder to end it the second time. None of us can bring back the past and by trying it leads to a whole lot more pain.
You sound a lovely guy, whatever happens (forget xmas lone etc its only one day), think of your long term happiness because she may decide that again she doesn't want you if your available to her. Take care and please update us all.

Orlando_Virgin

Thank you, I do try to be decent about it all. I was with my original ex for 6 years, from the age of 19-25 and I ended that one as she just wasn't the right person for me and I fell out of love.

All this business with my recent ex is completely new and I'm experiencing feelings I have never really felt before. Just to keep you all updated, a few things happened last night. First of all I rang the girl I'm currently seeing and explained that I wanted to be upfront and told her my ex had been in touch and it was messing with my head a little. She took it really well and said take a step back for a while and sort your head out. As I've explained we're not in a relationship but I thought she at least should know, as if she saw me it would be obvious my head is up my !!!!.

After that, it ended up in a bit of a bitter text war between me and ex. She claimed she felt like a mug and she always knew that this other lass fancied me, and that she has always spoke of me in such high regard, but now there was no bigger insult than to find out it was with "her of all people, like a knife to the stomach" and it made the years we'd had together "false, and a joke" I got really mad about that, said it was an awful thing to say and being honest told her to just p*ss off and leave me alone! I said she should never have text in the first place etc.

Given my own opinion I honestly think the only reason she is truly mad about it is sheer frustration that we never worked. Call me a mug, but I think she is still in love with me, unhappy with me after a while, yet unhappy without me. I think a lot of you are right, she fears me moving on because she knows that would be the end of it all for good. Something she clearly hasn't accepted.

I stand by my original post though, she is a good person. Scolded, frustrated, torn and confused yes, but not vindictive enough to mindf*ck me intentionally. Plus I have too many strong minded and good people around me to let me fall in a trap, they would all advise me what they think is best for ME.

Thank you all for your comments.

shiny76

dacouch wrote: »

From one bloke to another, do not go back.

If the relation did not work the first time, the same reasons will be there the second time and when / if it goes wrong again you will have to go through the whole breaking up stuff again.

Move on and have fun with the new girl.

There really are plenty of fish out there

Have to agree with the above, cut all contact with her - it's only causing you grief!

OV wrote:
I was bloody fine until Friday afternoon

tayforth

I agree with everyone else. Don't let your ex manipulate you, because that's what she is trying to do. She's behaving like a dog in the manger, expecting you to wait in the background while she 'finds herself'. It's absolutely none of her business who you go out with. She has no claim over you, your relationship is over.

You've done AMAZINGLY well so far, you've been so dignified. And you now know that you can survive without her. My advice would be not to go back to her, because she'll do the same again if you let her.

The other girl sounds thoroughly decent, btw.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

I agree with everyone else. Don't let your ex manipulate you, because that's what she is trying to do. She's behaving like a dog in the manger, expecting you to wait in the background while she 'finds herself'. It's absolutely none of her business who you go out with. She has no claim over you, your relationship is over.

You've done AMAZINGLY well so far, you've been so dignified. And you now know that you can survive without her. My advice would be not to go back to her, because she'll do the same again if you let her.

The other girl sounds thoroughly decent, btw.

Thank you Tay:)

How are you, you bloody amaziing woman? I see you've been doing a spot of dating You have just hit the nail on the head, this "finding yourself" thing. I just don't get it. I understand that people change, you mature over time, go through difficult things and come out different, but fundamentally, what is "finding yourself?"

The kindest way I've ever been able to put it to her without saying "get a grip" has been, if you are questioning who you are as a person, you are not in a comfortable place in your life and are certainly not ready to take on something as big as a serious commitment to another person who is. If you're with the right person, surely you can't sit there questioning "who you are".

P.S. reading this thread from the beginning it is so refreshing to see how far I have come from the quite frankly, horrible place I was in March. Some of it kind of makes me cringe a little bit with how low I had gotten to.