Gutted

marisco_2

spock007 wrote: »

Different situation here. Been dating girlfriend for 6 years, she's 18 years older with kids (largely grown). She wants a commitment but I'm not ready - can't bring myself to ask. It's alot to take on with the age gap and kids.. but other than that she's everything I'd want - so what's wrong? Met a nice girl my own age and nothing has happened (honestly) but I feel an excitement being with somebody my own age. But I don't want to throw away the best relationship I've ever had... I feel so low it's unreal.

I would strongly suggest really thinking it through. Whatever you decide, do the right thing by the person you are currently with. If you reach a decision that she is not the one for you, then end it before starting with someone new. It would devestate her otherwise and it sounds like she is a good person who would not deserve that.

Frogletina

spock007 wrote: »

Different situation here. Been dating girlfriend for 6 years, she's 18 years older with kids (largely grown). She wants a commitment but I'm not ready - can't bring myself to ask. It's alot to take on with the age gap and kids.. but other than that she's everything I'd want - so what's wrong? Met a nice girl my own age and nothing has happened (honestly) but I feel an excitement being with somebody my own age. But I don't want to throw away the best relationship I've ever had... I feel so low it's unreal.

I've been the female in this kind of relationship (15 year age gap), although we lived together. After ten years he really wanted to have a relationship with someone his own age. He decided he had to split up with me to give himself a chance of doing this before he felt he was too old himself.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I was devastated at losing him and it took me years to get over it. However, I loved the good years we had together and did not regret those years.

We are both still single but there is no way he would return to me. We had the best times - I sometimes feel I stole his youth, had his best years. I hope he doesn't blame me for that. He just wasn't happy in the end and I had to accept that he would not be happy while he stayed with me.

DevilsAdvocate1

spock007 wrote: »

Different situation here. Been dating girlfriend for 6 years, she's 18 years older with kids (largely grown). She wants a commitment but I'm not ready - can't bring myself to ask. It's alot to take on with the age gap and kids.. but other than that she's everything I'd want - so what's wrong? Met a nice girl my own age and nothing has happened (honestly) but I feel an excitement being with somebody my own age. But I don't want to throw away the best relationship I've ever had... I feel so low it's unreal.

Do you want kids of your own one day?

My mum is 9 years older than my dad. Their relationship was always good, but the last few years the age difference is really showing. Dad is 74 and still wants to go on holidays and enjoy his retirement (they can afford this). Mum is 83 and starting to feel frail. Travelling really takes it out of her, so for the last 3 years she had refused to go on holiday.

This year, dad wants to come on holiday with us in the hope it will give mum the encouragement to come along too. I feel quite sorry for him.

With an 18 year gap, this situation would happen much sooner with you. Also, mum was still young enough to have a child (me!).

spock007

Good replies and much appreciated. She certainly deserves the best! Thinking is all I've been doing! Frogletina - do you think these relationships can work? 18 years is a large gap. Now it's great but in future? It's so rare to find a match, though. Don't want to stay together to prevent leaving her in the lurch - that's the wrong reason. This whole situation is awful! Things have been great!!

I don't know if I do want kids... honestly, probably not. Is the age gap really making tat much of a difference with only a 9 year gap?

Frogletina

spock007 wrote: »

Good replies and much appreciated. She certainly deserves the best! Thinking is all I've been doing! Frogletina - do you think these relationships can work? 18 years is a large gap. Now it's great but in future? It's so rare to find a match, though. Don't want to stay together to prevent leaving her in the lurch - that's the wrong reason. This whole situation is awful! Things have been great!!

I don't know if I do want kids... honestly, probably not. Is the age gap really making tat much of a difference with only a 9 year gap?

Maybe age gap relationships can work, but I don't think they are easy. My partner didn't want children, so that wasn't an issue.

What you have said about leaving her in the lurch rings a bell with me. My partner said that he had been thinking about leaving me for 6 months before he said anything to me. He did say that he was worried that I would be left on my own at my age...

I do think he genuinely cared for me, he just felt he was missing out on the whole experience of being single and dating women of his own age and felt that if he didn't take his chance then, that it would be too late.

Actually, it was probably always too late for him. He was attracted to older women and them to him. I don't think he ever stood a chance with a younger woman. The mythical younger woman remained just that.

You have felt a certain frisson with the girl of your own age even though you have not acted on it. In all honesty, perhaps you need to discuss how you feel with your girlfriend now. I understood everything my partner said, but wished he'd raised the issues before he made a decision to leave me. I felt powerless. There were tears, lots of them - some of them his.

It sounds as if she feels she is losing you as she wants a commitment that she senses you cannot yet give. You say it is great between you, but something is stopping you making the next step. You say she deserves the best - now you have to decide if that is you.

spock007

So your ex is still single and never really settled with a younger girl.. how do you see your separate lives panning out? Do you think it COULD have worked long-term between you two? Sorry if that's all a bit probing!! My head's in an awful place.
Thanks again for your words!!

Orlando_Virgin

I just wanted to give everyone a massive thank you who has responded to this post. I don't think I wanted to achieve anything other than a bit of support and knowing I have done the right thing. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know I will get through in time.

Thanks again.:)

tinkerbell73

i know how you feel my ex of 19 months finished with me in September - no real reason we didnt argue we had an amazing time (had been living together for a year and he admits it was best year of his life) but he wasnt happy :-( but we never made the break - we talked daily met up a couple of times as friends. Tried again over christmas for about 10 days before he decided it wasnt what he wanted and it nearly killed me. By Feb i sent him the email like you did and cut all contact and 6 weeks on i am feeling alot better dating again (nothing serious) and building a life without him .

It will take time but it hurts soo much - i was worse after this relationship than when my 19 year marriage broke down :-( But i can say now i am happy still miss him but thinking about him gets less and less - life is too short to be unhappy

Orlando_Virgin

tinkerbell73 wrote: »

i know how you feel my ex of 19 months finished with me in September - no real reason we didnt argue we had an amazing time (had been living together for a year and he admits it was best year of his life) but he wasnt happy :-( but we never made the break - we talked daily met up a couple of times as friends. Tried again over christmas for about 10 days before he decided it wasnt what he wanted and it nearly killed me. By Feb i sent him the email like you did and cut all contact and 6 weeks on i am feeling alot better dating again (nothing serious) and building a life without him .

It will take time but it hurts soo much - i was worse after this relationship than when my 19 year marriage broke down :-( But i can say now i am happy still miss him but thinking about him gets less and less - life is too short to be unhappy

Good for you. I admire you for trying to be friends and try to salvage something but as you've admitted it's pretty much impossible whilst feelings are still involved on one side. It's good to know I am not on my own (in a non-sick way) and I'm also glad you are making small steps to getting on.

WE CAN DO IT.

Frogletina

spock007 wrote: »

So your ex is still single and never really settled with a younger girl.. how do you see your separate lives panning out? Do you think it COULD have worked long-term between you two? Sorry if that's all a bit probing!! My head's in an awful place.
Thanks again for your words!!

Spock007

I have sent you a couple of private messages