Gutted

miss_independent

I feel really sad reading your post -sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I would imagine you are trying to figure out why and how it went wrong but you seem very considerate, with her best interests at heart, so I'm sure you've done everything you could.

I can remember being 22 all to well and now I've just turned 29, I can honestly say that I am a completely different person and maybe its just a maturity thing with her. At 19, I wanted to be married with kids by 24, at 22 all of a sudden I just decided I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, that I was sick of boys and needed to figure out who I was. All of a sudden, I had so many dreams I wanted to chase and, like your girlfriend, I woke up to the fact that I was incredibly unhappy in myself. I realised all of a sudden that no man could complete me. If I wasn't happy within myself then nobody else could fix me - I had to do it myself. I could have been with the loveliest man alive - it still wouldn't have made a difference. It was me and the timing of things. Having had to break up with someone who had genuinely did nothing wrong, who I cared about deeply and who I never wanted to hurt - i'd imagine she feels pretty awful and very guilty. Its a horrible thing to have to do. I resent the comment netwizard made about turning on the waterworks because there is no way he could know that was the case and you know her and your relationship better than anyone and you don't seem the type to be taken in by a drama queen.

I'm another one who believes in what neneromanova says - "If you love someone, you set them free". Its not an easy thing to do, but when you genuinely care for someone, you know its the only way. If you are meant to be together, it will happen. There is a saying I like from the film Definitely Maybe that it will happen when "You've got your !!!!!! together." Right now, she hasn't got it together but in the future, who knows?

As for the idea of seeing her with someone else, it only ended yesterday. Try not to torture yourself with that, it'll only make you bitter. It may happen but it may be so far in the future that by the time it does happen you'll be in an ok place with it. All I can tell you is, I'm trying to "set someone free" right now lol and its bloody painful because I feel part of me will always love him but somehow I've reached a point where I realise I don't want him to be alone. He is an amazing guy and he deserves love - if he isn't meant for me he is meant for somebody and I don't want him to go through the loneliness that I've experienced because I love him. Its taken a while to get to this point but I got there and I bet you could too.

Its not going to be easy but just try and trust that its all part of a higher plan. You will end up with the person you were meant to be with. Its all about timing. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

Orlando_Virgin

miss_independent wrote: »

I feel really sad reading your post -sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I would imagine you are trying to figure out why and how it went wrong but you seem very considerate, with her best interests at heart, so I'm sure you've done everything you could.

I can remember being 22 all to well and now I've just turned 29, I can honestly say that I am a completely different person and maybe its just a maturity thing with her. At 19, I wanted to be married with kids by 24, at 22 all of a sudden I just decided I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, that I was sick of boys and needed to figure out who I was. All of a sudden, I had so many dreams I wanted to chase and, like your girlfriend, I woke up to the fact that I was incredibly unhappy in myself. I realised all of a sudden that no man could complete me. If I wasn't happy within myself then nobody else could fix me - I had to do it myself. I could have been with the loveliest man alive - it still wouldn't have made a difference. It was me and the timing of things. Having had to break up with someone who had genuinely did nothing wrong, who I cared about deeply and who I never wanted to hurt - i'd imagine she feels pretty awful and very guilty. Its a horrible thing to have to do. I resent the comment netwizard made about turning on the waterworks because there is no way he could know that was the case and you know her and your relationship better than anyone and you don't seem the type to be taken in by a drama queen.

I'm another one who believes in what neneromanova says - "If you love someone, you set them free". Its not an easy thing to do, but when you genuinely care for someone, you know its the only way. If you are meant to be together, it will happen. There is a saying I like from the film Definitely Maybe that it will happen when "You've got your !!!!!! together." Right now, she hasn't got it together but in the future, who knows?

As for the idea of seeing her with someone else, it only ended yesterday. Try not to torture yourself with that, it'll only make you bitter. It may happen but it may be so far in the future that by the time it does happen you'll be in an ok place with it. All I can tell you is, I'm trying to "set someone free" right now lol and its bloody painful because I feel part of me will always love him but somehow I've reached a point where I realise I don't want him to be alone. He is an amazing guy and he deserves love - if he isn't meant for me he is meant for somebody and I don't want him to go through the loneliness that I've experienced because I love him. Its taken a while to get to this point but I got there and I bet you could too.

Its not going to be easy but just try and trust that its all part of a higher plan. You will end up with the person you were meant to be with. Its all about timing. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

I appreciate your words and thoughts. She said herself that I have done everything I can and I've been amazing and considerate but there is something within herself that she just can't be happy at this moment in time. Either on her own or with me.

She is incredibly emotionally mature for her age and I know her as well as anyone and I know she is neither lying, or finding this easy at all. I have never seen her as distraught as she was last night. For about half an hour as we struggled to say goodbye we just led there and didn't say a word. It's difficult to put in words how much we care for each other.

Regardless of all that though, if I truly love her like I say I do then I should want her to be happy, not hold her back and make her more unhappy. If anything, I am proud that I got to a near depression stage because I was so unhappy that she was unhappy. It showed how much I genuinely cared.

I also know, hand on heart, that if the shoe was on the other foot I would have done exactly the same thing. The only thing I will struggle with is being strong enough to be friends and being in her life, when I am hurting so much. It's not resentment it will just be difficult to see her out enjoying herself on Facebook etc. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, I'm just trying to be honest.

miss_independent

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

I appreciate your words and thoughts. She said herself that I have done everything I can and I've been amazing and considerate but there is something within herself that she just can't be happy at this moment in time. Either on her own or with me.

She is incredibly emotionally mature for her age and I know her as well as anyone and I know she is neither lying, or finding this easy at all. I have never seen her as distraught as she was last night. For about half an hour as we struggled to say goodbye we just led there and didn't say a word. It's difficult to put in words how much we care for each other.

Regardless of all that though, if I truly love her like I say I do then I should want her to be happy, not hold her back and make her more unhappy. If anything, I am proud that I got to a near depression stage because I was so unhappy that she was unhappy. It showed how much I genuinely cared.

I also know, hand on heart, that if the shoe was on the other foot I would have done exactly the same thing. The only thing I will struggle with is being strong enough to be friends and being in her life, when I am hurting so much. It's not resentment it will just be difficult to see her out enjoying herself on Facebook etc. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, I'm just trying to be honest.

You aren't selfish - it hurts to see someone seemingly having a great time when they've broke your heart. Its normal and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel something.

But hey, like I said, its been a day. You have to give yourself time - you will get to that place of wanting her to be happy. And you'll find happiness too. You sound like a really good guy so don't feel guilty right now. Acknowledge your feelings, even the negative ones. Like grieving, its a loss and there is a process that you have to go through to get over that loss. Just trust that you will get there.

VestanPance

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned. It may seem selfish but I think is required. Put some space between you both now. You may want to be friends and you may well be friends in the future, but while you still obviously love this girl no good will come of staying in contact. It will only slow your recovery from the break up.

Stay away from her until you feel happier with yourself and your life. Block things like Facebook updates, no texting or calls etc. That may take weeks, it may take months, or even years, but trying to go from romantic interest to friends while feelings are still present won't work. It'll just make you feel like hell.

Orlando_Virgin

VestanPance wrote: »

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned. It may seem selfish but I think is required. Put some space between you both now. You may want to be friends and you may well be friends in the future, but while you still obviously love this girl no good will come of staying in contact. It will only slow your recovery from the break up.

Stay away from her until you feel happier with yourself and your life. Block things like Facebook updates, no texting or calls etc. That may take weeks, it may take months, or even years, but trying to go from romantic interest to friends while feelings are still present won't work. It'll just make you feel like hell.

To be honest as much as I want to say you're wrong, you're completely right. I would like to think we could remain friends but at the same time I can't see how I would move on when I'm always seeing what she is up to, who she's with etc. It's a good point.

miss_independent

VestanPance wrote: »

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned. It may seem selfish but I think is required. Put some space between you both now. You may want to be friends and you may well be friends in the future, but while you still obviously love this girl no good will come of staying in contact. It will only slow your recovery from the break up.

Stay away from her until you feel happier with yourself and your life. Block things like Facebook updates, no texting or calls etc. That may take weeks, it may take months, or even years, but trying to go from romantic interest to friends while feelings are still present won't work. It'll just make you feel like hell.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This. It was the only way I managed to get over my first love. Absolutely no contact. Asked friends not to mention if they'd seen him. Its harsh but was for the best.

If it was me though, (learned from experience) I'd write a letter saying why I was doing it first.

Orlando_Virgin

miss_independent wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This. It was the only way I managed to get over my first love. Absolutely no contact. Asked friends not to mention if they'd seen him. Its harsh but was for the best.

If it was me though, (learned from experience) I'd write a letter saying why I was doing it first.

It's so funny you should say that, I am just typing an e-mail out as I speak, I hope she understands why I'm doing it. I know it will be hard for her to take.

VestanPance

If you had one last bit of contact I'd agree with Miss Independant. Just let her know that you need space to be alone and recover from the break-up, and that maybe in the future you can be friends.

Orlando_Virgin

I've just sent this, I think it's reasonable.

Hi,

I hope you’re ok. I know this is tough.

Listen, I’m sorry to send this in an e-mail but I think it’s best that we break contact for a at least a while. I’m going to come off Facebook until a time when I’m happy I can comfortably see what’s on there. I stand by my promise that I will try to be your friend in the future but for now I think we both know that it will be just too difficult when there are so many feelings involved, I need space and time to get over you.

I really hope you understand why I have to do that, maybe you won’t, but I can’t see any good from me knowing what you’re doing and who you’re with etc. and seeing you seemingly happy without me. It will just put me through hell to do that.

I will always remember you and take happiness from the fact you made me a better person. I sincerely hope you find your happiness somewhere, wherever that may be.

Take Care.

heartbreak_star

I think that was honest without being guilt-trippy, although I'd personally have left out the middle paragraph.

Well done for explaining - now follow through with the removal of numbers, FB, email etc.

I really just wanted to send you a hug after reading the thread. Good luck

HBS x