Hoarding - Springing Ahead

kayester

6 bin liners taken to the tip today. room decorated, and my dad has hired us a carpet cleaner to clean all carpets. feeling happy right now

GreyQueen

I went to the lottie yesterday after work and planted some broad beans which I'd been soaking for 48 hours to speed their germination. Some of them were indeed showing signs of sprouting.

THis is de-cluttering because they're home-saved seeds and I couldn't recall how many years old they were. I know it's less than 5 years but it could be anything from 2-4.

Sooo, I thought What if they don't grow? Then I rationalised that however old they are now, they're getting older every day and I either plant them at some point or bin them. The worst possible outcome is that they don't grow well and I plant again with fresh seeds in spring (for non-gardeners, you can plant croad beans in autumn to overwinter and get a crop a bit earlier than spring-sown ones).

So, with the worst outcome being not too bad at all, I just did it.

nervousdaughter

Hi, I hope you don't mind but I could really do with some help and as I read this forum I thought perhaps the lovely folk on here could give me some advice to help me.

My mother is a hoarder and chronically disorganized, it affects her health / social life / financial situation / career and she has been like this for my entire life although it acutely worsened when a sibling and then her ex passed away, both young, in the past few years, and she refused in both instances to use clearance companies instead sifting through things herself in an incredibly long, draining process which resulted in a huge amount of things coming to her house (she lives alone)

What storage there is isn't used properly and there are bags everywhere and boxes and general absolute chaos.

I've spent hundreds of hours trying to improve things in the past and some things / systems I've put in place have stuck e.g. labelled shoeboxes in the airing cupboard for lightbulbs but most hasn't.

I've given up trying to help at the minute and I just don't visit her now unless it's for crisis purposes e.g. dealing with a backlog of paperwork which needs urgent attention but unfortunately her bathroom is leaking again with the plumber's recommendation of a new bathroom and I just can feel in my gut that it will be left indefinitely until there is a major problem because as it currently stands there's an unfixed hole in the kitchen ceiling from last leak, her dishwasher's been broken for months, the front room NEEDS new flooring and her electrics are slowly breaking down as the original circuit is from the 1960s :eek:

I organised the new bathroom fitting in my home earlier this year and did one in another flat a couple of years ago so actually organising the workmen / getting a good price isn't a problem.

However, what is a problem is not having a blazing row which ends up being incredibly abusive because honestly the last crisis action I had to take sorting paperwork I haven't fully recovered from 9 months later because there was SO MUCH and such serious stuff to be dealt with.

Help me, please! Are there any professionals that could be called upon? I'm the only one in the family still willing to try and do something about it as she's had too many favours from them all in the past. I feel like my helping makes things worse in terms of the actual behaviour, but unless I sort the things she's been ignoring then they really, really won't ever be dealt with and it's just too serious to let that happen.

whitewing

nervous daughter,

I don't think she will be able to cope with dehoarding until she starts to deal with the huge emotional loss and stress in her life. See if she would get help, does she want to live better? (Ignore the actual hoard for now because the thought of someone throwing or moving anything will be too much).

Would she go to her GP with you? Perhaps take some photos of her house to show them. See if she can get referred either for a mental health assessment or for surgery-based counselling.

nervousdaughter

whitewing wrote: »

nervous daughter,

I don't think she will be able to cope with dehoarding until she starts to deal with the huge emotional loss and stress in her life. See if she would get help, does she want to live better? (Ignore the actual hoard for now because the thought of someone throwing or moving anything will be too much).

Would she go to her GP with you? Perhaps take some photos of her house to show them. See if she can get referred either for a mental health assessment or for surgery-based counselling.

Hi whitewing, thanks so much. I saw her yesterday and I'm going to stay with her for a couple of nights arriving this afternoon - I will take the camera with me.

In theory she would like to live better, is always trying new diets and thinking that a new outfit will 'give her motivation' and makes aspirational purchases e.g. A steam mop in its box or venetian blind cleaning gadgets. However she's just not ready to deal with anything, and filled me with fear yesterday when she told me she was thinking of hiring a storage unit - terrifying idea!!!

Actually I'm proud of her because since I sifted through paperwork mountain months ago she's been keeping on top of at least one big part of the problem, and she's arranged private coaching for herself but she missed her appointment which was to discuss timekeeping amongst other things, bless her cotton socks.

I'm just going to deep clean and clear the hall and stairways which are normally fairly clutter free other than shoes on the stairs, unopened post and a couple of small boxes of gubbins so fingers x'd that this won't cause upset but who knows.

calicocat

nervousdaughter wrote: »

Hi whitewing, thanks so much. I saw her yesterday and I'm going to stay with her for a couple of nights arriving this afternoon - I will take the camera with me.

In theory she would like to live better, is always trying new diets and thinking that a new outfit will 'give her motivation' and makes aspirational purchases e.g. A steam mop in its box or venetian blind cleaning gadgets. However she's just not ready to deal with anything, and filled me with fear yesterday when she told me she was thinking of hiring a storage unit - terrifying idea!!!

Actually I'm proud of her because since I sifted through paperwork mountain months ago she's been keeping on top of at least one big part of the problem, and she's arranged private coaching for herself but she missed her appointment which was to discuss timekeeping amongst other things, bless her cotton socks.

I'm just going to deep clean and clear the hall and stairways which are normally fairly clutter free other than shoes on the stairs, unopened post and a couple of small boxes of gubbins so fingers x'd that this won't cause upset but who knows.

Hi nervous daughter,


Sounds Very like my friend....but not so bad as she seems to be open to help and has kept on top of the paperwork you helped her with....that I think is a good sign. A really bad hoarder won't let you in their home let alone stay overnight, so I think you can gently help here for sure.


The buying stuff and new fads is also just like my friend, I think she does it to deflect what is really going on, and it possibly wouldn't be right now to go for that angle right now. Stick with the fact that you are able to help with the here and now for now, and the buying stuff and 'distraction' stuff...:ie new diet/car/shop/whatever it may be will get less and easier as the chaos in the house is less. my friend does this all the time to give a reason not to see what's going on around her. Also my friend has huge time keeping problems, always some excuse to be late.....every time, I think it's just part of when things get very out of control.

Good luck, I think you will be fine as long as you don't go in with army boots (not that I mean you have that intention), but she seems open from your post paperwork wise to help.

whitewing

Good idea for the deep clean of the bits that can be seen. When one bit is even better, it can inspire, and at least you will feel you are doing something.

GreyQueen

Hello and welcome, nervousdaughter.

I have a mother with hoarding issues, although nothing of the magnitude of your poor mum. At least she has you on-side and determined to help her. With work on the hallway and stairs, you'll be able to keep her safer in her own home because she is less likely to trip and if the worst came to the worst, she could exit her home swiftly and safely.

I don't know how you feel about looking at websites, but there is a whole genre of them by people who self-identify as "children of hoarders" if you would care to research that term.

Three years ago, I sneakily arranged to go to my parents' home when they were abroad for a week. It was planned with military precision with my brother in cahoots as folks and I live about 30 miles apart and I work 5 days a week so can't be as flexible as I'd like to be.

Parents really disliked the colour of the paint on their bedroom walls, as special mix which had been a mistake from day one. Trouble was, they were so busy helping out other family members inc me that they never got around to doing their own stuff. Plus their room was horribly hoarded and it was going to be a major operation just getting at the walls.

Discreet enquiries had established that they'd like the walls off-white, so I'd got the paint already and was on a bus heading to theirs' even as they left for the airport. It look three coats of paint to tone down the vile colour to off white and I had to work around the room wall by wall, shuffling the stuff inc very overfull bookshelves.

Because I knew Mum would have issues if anything was thrown away, I made one box of stuff which I'd consider inarguably rubbish like cardboard bits from tights' packaging, a box of stuff which there was in duplicate, triplicate or even quintupulate such as 5 Collins Gem French/ English dictionaries and a box of stuff which I considered probably discardable. Everything else was simply dusted and put back where it was found.

She was beyond thrilled and was able to go through the boxes and set aside duplicate novels for the charity shop, drop back to a mere 2 dictionaries and clear the rubbish. Of the ? box, about half she wanted to keep and half she didn't, but it wasn't the same half that I would have chosen. She was able to make all these decisions in about 10 mins.

Because I hadn't disposed of anything other than dust, cobwebs and fluff without her consent, she didn't have a feeling of losing control. She told me she'd been talking to the relative abroad they'd gone to visit and having a whinge about the bedroom and not having the slightest idea that it was being done even as she spoke...........:rotfl:

I appreciate tidying and decluttering for decorating isn't identical to decluttering and tidying for improving life overall, but it's possible that some of the same tactics may be of use to you.

Thrifty_Fashionista

Just2Ashamed,

Glad Lobbyludd and I have converted another housewives fan!!!
There are lots of versions, so look out for them...be it OC, NY or Berverly Hills - they are all addictive. Maybe if I keep the hoarding down my place will evetually look like a smaller version of their mansions!

TF

lobbyludd

hello daughter (not mine!)

getting back into the swing of things as back is much better and cold is going away, and managed to get dd (5) asleep before 9 (yesterday it was midnight before she succumbed, which means she then refuses to go to school as well ).

a couple of used jars and some odds and bobs of clothing to recycling/cs.

I've cleaned some glass doors to finish the smidge of glass cleaner left and thrown the empty bottle. New toothbrushes in and old ones thrown (I never get round to using them for those cleaning jobs that they are apparently oh so useful for).

a broken sprinkler to the bin. My sites are set for the weekend on shredding some paperwork and putting the insulation in the loft.