Hoarding - Springing Ahead

NervousHomeowner

First time poster, long time lurker here! Unfortunately my first post is going to be a bit of a rant, so I'm sorry for that

Basically, I've had a bit of a frustrating weekend with my mum, who is a hoarder with issues revolving around recycling and getting rid of rubbish.

Anyway, my partner and I went down this weekend to try and help her do some things as a 'thank you' for helping us out recently, but it was quite frustrating. I find that whenever I do go to visit her to help (specifically because she has metioned things she'd like help with, I've long since learned not to just barge in and try to force her to do things), she will do whatever she can to actually get out of doing what I've come down for. Anyway, the whole weekend, no matter how many times we offered to do something, she refused! We did have a get together to attend on Saturday afternoon but that wasn't until 3 and we could have done stuff all morning but she insisted on us going into the local town. Then, when we did get her to do something (specifically something she had mentioned wanting help with), she wouldn't let us do anything substantial e.g. taking some bits of scrap wood to the tip This was a prime time for us to take the wood to the tip - we had to pass the tip to go home and my OH was there to carry it for her. But no, she refused.

I thought we'd get some stuff done today too but instead, she wanted us to meet her new boyfriend (Which I can understand, but it might have been better for us to do that another time). We still had an hour in which we could have helped her do things around the house though - but she then proceeded to invite her neighbour over instead, therefore meaning we had no time to do anything for her.

Then in the next breath, she was moaning about how I don't visit enough or help her enough and it really upset me. I try my best but it's hard going to visit her, not just physically (She lives 3 hours away & I don't drive so have to get the train. This is difficult because I also have a dog, who has to come with me. Plus I am a full time student which complicates things too) but mentally too. Furthermore, I do think we actually spend quite a bit of time together, even if it's not usually me visiting her. We visited her this week, she came to spend the weekend the week before and she came up for the day the week before that. Plus I went to visit her in June for her birthday, we went on holiday together in June AND we speak every evening on the phone for the best part of an hour!


So yes, we went to visit her, specifically to help, and we got a total of 3 things done - which took a grand total of about 20 minutes. And 5 minutes of that was actually helping her neighbour.

I just feel really drained, which is a shame because it was an otherwise good weekend I love my mum but I just feel like no matter what I do, it is never the right thing. If any of you have insights into her behaviour, or how to handle it, I'd really appreciate it!

365days

No expert but for family of hoarders having a hard time the above maybe of use. It is from Al-Anon the support group for people living with alcoholics but the sentiments are the same I think.

whitewing

I needed that sign for life in general this morning!

NHO, actually I think meeting the new person was the most important. I know exactly where you are coming from, but people are important. Plus, if he is a good boyfriend and your mum starts to feel more secure and happier in general then the dehoarding will happen gradually. I don't know the exact circumstances but I would be tempted to knock the long nightly phone calls on the head. I wonder if they are rehashing old issues time and time again and serving no productive purpose. I don't mean, don't phone her. I mean stop doing your duty and start reconnecting as people with busy lives who want a quick catch up.

NervousHomeowner

Love that sign! They seem like such obvious things to remind yourself of but they are so easy to forget sometimes.

whitewing wrote: »

I needed that sign for life in general this morning!

NHO, actually I think meeting the new person was the most important. I know exactly where you are coming from, but people are important. Plus, if he is a good boyfriend and your mum starts to feel more secure and happier in general then the dehoarding will happen gradually. I don't know the exact circumstances but I would be tempted to knock the long nightly phone calls on the head. I wonder if they are rehashing old issues time and time again and serving no productive purpose. I don't mean, don't phone her. I mean stop doing your duty and start reconnecting as people with busy lives who want a quick catch up.

Thank you so much for this reply, you've brought up some things I hadn't even considered! I'm not sure he is necessarily the best boyfriend for her (He's a bit of a hoarder too so I worry he prevents her from really dealing with her problems!) but I am glad that she's started to dip her toes into the waters of dating. Ultimately I just want her to be happy, and if he does that then of course it was totally worthwhile meeting him - and we did have a lovely time! I just feel guilty, like I should have forced her to do the stuff that she originally wanted. Truth is, I think I didn't push her to do stuff because I'm scared of her falling out with me if I do.

With regards to the phone calls, I do agree that that needs to be stopped. I don't want to not talk to her, I like catching up, but I think it is like you say and we're not really 'connecting' because we're chatting so much. I do think they're important for her though, because otherwise she gets home at night (She finishes work late) and then doesn't have anyone to talk to about her day so I'm wondering if the best move is to not cut it back to one or two long calls per week but to instead do a short 10 minute call every night.

suzitiger

:hello:
Hello newbies and oldbies!
Welcome to everyone joining us, its lovely to have you here!
I had to laugh about the mangle, I was coveting it too. Gosh we have problems don't we?! Where would I keep one and what would I do with it??!

Congratulations Pigpen Delilah is lovely!! :j

Greyqueen well done on tackling 'the rough', you must feel so chuffed to finally be doing what has been bugging you for a while. A bit like how I feel when I finally sort out my loft!

I'm having a bit of a toughie, a close friend passed away last week. She visited often and always wanted to help me declutter, whcih she did but we never got far because I am such a nightmare with excuses as to why I need to keep things! So, in her memory I will do it! I'm having a sort of the spare room at the moment where my computer lives, and in a bit I will stick on a hoarder program with Stelios to help inspire me :T

NervousHomeowner

suzitiger wrote: »

:hello:
Hello newbies and oldbies!
Welcome to everyone joining us, its lovely to have you here!
I had to laugh about the mangle, I was coveting it too. Gosh we have problems don't we?! Where would I keep one and what would I do with it??!

Congratulations Pigpen Delilah is lovely!! :j

Greyqueen well done on tackling 'the rough', you must feel so chuffed to finally be doing what has been bugging you for a while. A bit like how I feel when I finally sort out my loft!

I'm having a bit of a toughie, a close friend passed away last week. She visited often and always wanted to help me declutter, whcih she did but we never got far because I am such a nightmare with excuses as to why I need to keep things! So, in her memory I will do it! I'm having a sort of the spare room at the moment where my computer lives, and in a bit I will stick on a hoarder program with Stelios to help inspire me :T

Sorry to hear about your friend I'm sure she'd be really happy to know that you were trying to sort out your spare room in her memory. Good luck!

suzitiger

oh she would be haha! I know it bugged her when she came round how much stuff I have :-) Thank you for your kind wishes

lobbyludd

spoons are back, dd (5) mentioned she had been making potions in her playhouse (mud pies in bowls with various herbs and flowers - priceless ) and sure enough all the spoons were there caked in tinctures.

now washed up. am decluttering some wool testing a pattern to make my mum a lap throw for christmas. So far so good, the test piece will use up loads of wool and be a cushion cover.

calicocat

Howdie people,


Sorry for the loss of your friend Suzitiger. I hope this doesn't come across as wrong in any way, but I was at a friends funeral around 2 years ago, he lived next to me and was a really good friend, we helped eachother a lot and were just on the same wave length. Anyhow, his flat was fairly minimalist, his sone had done it out and got the things for it as he had had a bad stroke and couldn't do loads for himself physically in a home. He did do a bit of online shopping for pictures and clocks, but other than this 'normal' shopping I felt. He always used to love coming into mine and looking at all my 'stuff' which I didn't really think anything of at the time.

At the funeral.....it only turned out he'd been on tv for hoarding and his house in a mess......he'd been on that Kim and Aggie programme.......lol. it all fell into place then why he liked my flat so much!!...bless him.


To those with family of friends who frustrate you, you can't change them, you can only be there for them when time is right for them. For someone who has hoarding tenancies, I have a friend I find very frustrating and would love to 'sort her out' so to speak, (this is as I am a more tidy hoarder), her place is chaos, really a mess, but for anyone to go in and help her sends her into total panic mode.

Right, as for my hoarding, it's all in the pink room as you know and everywhere else is fine. My concern is.........that sorting pink room will mean it spills out into tidy part of house. So, i've decided that to be fair to myself I have done heaps and made really good progress which I refuse to destroy. With this in mind, I am not going to go full steam ahead anymore, and am going to do it really gradually a tiny bit at a time so that things in there don't get shoved in any old place to 'seem' organised.
I think when I first moved here I went ballistic with it, which was good as I have done huge amounts, but I have got to the dregs, and with me it can be the dregs that get dumped as it's often stuff that isn't very important.......if that makes sense??
Anyhow, that's my plan, so I hope it works. Plus I don't want to stop any bit of routine I have keeping what is nice that way.

Also pink room is where loft hatch is!!!!!!!!!......and don't want to use loft.

I have two more days holiday then back on shifts, so I think I will chill a bit, keep the areas I have sorted nice, do some washing (and hopefully put it away) , and cook some chicken and veg pie to take to work with me.



Good luck to those hard at it, you will get there in your own time.

Oh........and i've lost nearly half a stone!! just goes to show what a lardarse I was being before.....and will be again at some point no doubt....lol.

GreyQueen

lobbyludd wrote: »

spoons are back, dd (5) mentioned she had been making potions in her playhouse (mud pies in bowls with various herbs and flowers - priceless ) and sure enough all the spoons were there caked in tinctures.
.

:rotfl:That is so adorable.

The girl next door when we were growing up was the queen of the mud pie. She's spent her entire working life as a chef.

Now, could you please tell me where my office kitchenette teaspoons have gone? We have about a dozen and can usually find none of them.

Decluttering is quite slow on the domestic front as I have been concentrating on the lottie when the weather co-operates, plus I don't get much done on weekdays as out at work. Remembered to empty the shredder at the same time as I vacuumed yesterday, not after, so got all the mess at once.

Rubbish and recycling will go out today, I produce about a carrier bag of each per week. I've also decluttered a printer cartridge to the chazzer which recycles them and 3 library books will go back today.

I have a few bits of decorating to do which would cause some paint pots to disappear from the shed, so I'll save them for rainy days and do the lottie on the dry ones.

I can see the floor. Admittedly, it's because I've put the things piled on the floor up on the couch to vac, but it's a start, isn't it?