Real-life MMD: Hen do, or hen don't?



  • nonki_73
    nonki_73 Posts: 5 Forumite
    Who's to say that the mother even knows that she is going. Maybe the hen's sister plans to suprise her, but instead of paying for it herself expects everyone else to fund it instead?
  • I'm in the process of organising my hen do and wouldn't dream of not inviting my mum - but I would also never even consider asking my friends to pay for her.... or anyone but themselves! To be frankly honest I don't even understand how that would be something any bride would even consider asking her girls :s
  • MissMills81
    MissMills81 Posts: 18 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Im so glad all the other posters are encouraging you not to pay extra.

    Asking you to pay extra for the bride's mum is not acceptable and you should not spend what you cant afford just to save an atmosphere. A true friend wont cause an atmosphere!

    Be absolutely firm and say that you cant afford it and perhaps mention that it is already a stretch for you as it is?

    I myself am getting married next year and am having a night away for my hen do, mainly because my friends have all wanted to go away somewhere. Most of my friends all have had hen do's abroad and i have gone on these trips. All good fun but things have changed and I myself am a student now so one night away is the maximum I can manage and I have been very firm about it.

    As for my mum, we are going for a spa weekend the week after, she has no intention on coming on a weekend that she sees is for 'young ones'!

    Good luck and I hope you stand your ground!
  • Fujiko
    Fujiko Posts: 150 Forumite
    I'm not certain what sort of hen night we are talking about - saucy costumes, lots of booze and perhaps the odd Chippendale or something more sedate - but I do not feel in either case this is something the mother should attend however close her relationship with her daughter, and however much she might want to! As to asking friends to contribute, this is just outrageous. Either the mother should pay for herself or her daughters should.
  • oldtrout
    oldtrout Posts: 129 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    I would have declined the invitation in the first place if it was costing money I couldn't afford, and a true friend would understand.

    As for contributing towards someone else, no.

    You should have been consulted first, not just asked. I'd probably be inclined to say I wasn't able to go after all, because the chances are that you will all have to chip in for the extras for that person when you get there.

    I think the original intention of stag (and then came hen) nights was to have a final night out with your mates, before you settled down into married life. Sort of to give them a 'send off' ... transition from carefree person to responsible person!

    Originally it would be unlikely that, as a newly married couple, they would have been able to keep up their individual social lives, both financially and culturally.

    Things are so different now, but it has become ridiculous the amount of money spent on these 'send offs'. Surely, the cost of a wedding, even a budget one, is enough to cope with.

    Why do they need the excuse of their wedding to have a good time with their friends/family? It's not as though they will never go out with their mates again! Do it another time when there aren't so many other expenses.
  • majpurple
    majpurple Posts: 11 Forumite
    edited 3 April 2013 at 5:24PM
    Frankly I think the whole 'hen weekend' thing is hugely overdone these days - I know, killjoy, but you'd think the couple would want to save some money for their married life... Mine was a few drinks with the potential sisters-in-law and a couple of friends; his was about the same. Still the marriage didn't last so what do I know? :o

    "Do it another time when there aren't so many other expenses." - absolutely agree!
  • ooooo cringe, i wonder does the mum in question know that everyone else is being asked to stump up for her to have a night out!
  • marich
    marich Posts: 125 Forumite
    edited 3 April 2013 at 6:29PM
    What is going on that costs so much ? For goodness' sake get a grip . Why not just have a real 'good night out' down the road sometime with your pals and get a taxi home . That'll cost you some too - but not that much that you would have scrimped and saved for for ages .

    If it really costs that much and you can't afford it already then say so . A friend will know and understand .

    Live within your means . If you spend this for the Hen Night and then repeat it for The Wedding , then why don't you do it for yourself when you come to your senses afterwards .

    Realise how much good money you could have had in the bank if you didn't allow yourself to be led ! Kick yourself for living in a fantasy . Wake up !
  • Hell no! That was not the arrangement that you signed up to!
  • gloriouslyhappy
    gloriouslyhappy Posts: 595 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Name Dropper
    edited 3 April 2013 at 7:00PM
    N.I.M has a great idea to break the ice and open the subject, that way everyone knows how you feel and can respond accordingly. As almost every other poster has said, hen dos are way too elaborate and expensive for those of us not marrying into royalty.

    Go on, say 'no' politely - see N.I.M's great wording suggestion below - and hit that 'reply all' button!
    N.I.M wrote: »
    Click reply all "by accident"

    Put in the following text

    "Hi (insert name of emailer here)

    Its fantastic to hear your mum wants to come with us, and what a lovely idea you had trying to fund the trip for her. Unfortunately though, I'm afraid I simply cannot afford to pay an extra (amount being sought) to help fund your mum coming. As I'm sure you can appreciate (cost of holiday) is a LOT of money, especially in this tough economic climate. I'm fairly certain I am not the only one who would struggle to find even more money, especially when there will be food, drink, taxi's etc to pay for while we are there.

    I'm sorry your nice gesture for your mum won't work out but I'm sure she'll enjoy herself on the trip anyway.

    Kind Regards etc.

    There ya go, you are off the hook, the cheeky cow doesn't have a leg to stand on now that the rest of the group know you have opened the floodgates to say no and the mother will come or not on her own dime.
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