Real-life MMD: Hen do, or hen don't?



  • Dont do it!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hen do's cost so much these days, my partner and I havent been able to take a holiday for three years now as we have had at least two hen do's and stag dos's to attend each every year for the last three! Sometimes i think the family gets so caught up in making the hen amazing that they forget that everyone else has to pay for it too!

    I would be honest and say that you cant afford it, and if questioned as to why say that you dont really think you should pay for the mum to come along. Thats what i would do, and hope that my friends know and understand me enough so that there would be no bad feeling

    Good Luck :)
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    Indeed, hell no, if the mum wants to go she can pay her own way, unless she is seriously skint and thats something that should have been considered sooner.
  • DaftyDuck
    DaftyDuck Posts: 4,609 Forumite
    Combo Breaker First Post First Anniversary
    Seems to be the forum votes "no" by a knife-edge ;) :rotfl:

    Agreed. Ridiculous. One budgets for what you - and your friends can afford. That includes your mother too. Possibly, and only possibly, if one friend is worse off than the rest, mates quietly club together, and unembarrassingly chip in for the less-well-off one, who would certainly not be asking, but might be relieved and grateful at friends supporting them.

    If, if (and I can't!) I could splash out for myself on a friends' weekend away in a five star luxury hotel in Antigua, I wouldn't, because I would have considered how few of my friends (0) could afford to come too. I'd budget according to my - and their - depth of pocket. So, it'll be the pub followed by the kebab shop for me and my one friend!

    It does seriously raise the question; who else are you paying for? Bride-to-be, fair enough, if open about it. But, others? Some benefiting from a "tenth person goes free" deal?

    I suspect she'll be getting a few blunt truths form others besides you.
  • rallp54
    rallp54 Posts: 22 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    There is NO WAY you should contribute to the Mum's attendance at the hen do. My daughter got married last year and I most certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to sponsor me at the hen do. In fact I was more than happy to give a bit more than my share to help cover the incidental costs (decorations etc). Hen dos can be dear enough, particularly for the younger participants, without shelling out for the older ones who should be able to afford it!
  • sultryabyss
    sultryabyss Posts: 62 Forumite
    If it was me wanting to go along to a hen do I would NEVER expect anyone else to pay for me, I would ask and say I would pay for myself. And it sounds like your paying for everyone on the hen do? Why is nobody paying for themselves?!!
  • originalkat
    originalkat Posts: 49 Forumite
    ifan.goch wrote: »
    I agree that the bride's mum should pay for herself.

    I don't understand why some people think it odd that the bride's mum would want to come. My daughter is getting married in a few weeks and has relied on me to do a lot of the work for the wedding. She had her hen do recently, for which I also did some of the work, but I was not invited. It sometimes feels that I'm there for the work but not for the fun. We oldies enjoy a good night out just as much as the youngsters!

    I love a good hen night ( I'm 57) but if my daughter were to have one I would not expect to be invited, any work I did would be because I love her not because I wanted a reward.

    A hen night often tends to be a time for things to be discussed that would not usually be shared with your parents. Although I am very close to my daughter (we often holiday together and go to the cinema, out for meals and shopping trips etc) I am sure she would be mortified if I went on her hen night and friends mentioned her secrets in front of me. Actually I hope she has some secrets or she has led a very sheltered and possibly boring life while at uni and then travelling the world :)

    I would probably organise a small event, a slightly more sedate second hen night if you like, for a handful of her closest female friends (I also know them well) and her aunts and me.

    Having said all that it very much depends on the type of hen do that is planned, there is a big difference between a club 18-30 week ( count me in) and a luxury spa weekend (boring) :rotfl:
  • Fluff15
    Fluff15 Posts: 1,440 Forumite
    You should definitely not pay! Just say you've already stretched already, and you really can't afford to help out. Don't feel guilty!
  • Two important things seem to be missing here.

    Firstly, how much extra is being asked for? If 3 people are going and this will increase the cost from £150 to £200 per person, it's steep. If 20 people are going and this will increase the cost from £200 to £210 it's not that great a difference. If it's essentially paying an extra £10 or £20 to give the bride something to make the weekend more special, it doesn't matter to you whether that involves another person coming along, or hiring a limo. There could be a valid reason why the mother cannot afford it, and that will have a big effect on the bride's enjoyment. View the extra charge as adding an extra to the event and then decide if it's justified - don't see it as giving someone a freebie as that's irrelevant.

    Secondly, we're told what the extra cost is. Is it paying for someone's weekend, or is it just the extra person means the party is sharing 5 rooms instead of 4 and therefore the cost per person is increased. Does it involve having to order an extra taxi, pushing up the cost of travel? It's easy to see how splitting the total cost between 9 people instead of 8 could increase the overall cost. If this means the rooms cost £500 instead of £400, and the extra taxi costs £45 instead of £30, that pushes the price per person up from £53.75 per person to £60.56 per person. Is it a case that someone is going for free, or that the extra person means the per person price has to go up? It would be unfair to say that bride isn't allowed to invite extra people if it has a small impact on the price. (Indeed, if this is the issue, then inviting someone else who doesn't impact on the hotel or taxi prices will bring the per person rate back down, so it's worth asking if there are ways of cutting costs.)

    It's important to consider all angles to decide if the extra cost is something you're willing to pay. This might not be remotely as unreasonably as it is made to sound if the full facts are known.
  • Talent
    Talent Posts: 244 Forumite
    Just say you can't afford it. Don't apologise.
    And another thing, I'll bet the 'organiser' (maybe the sister?) isn't paying full whack either ;-)
  • N.I.M
    N.I.M Posts: 2,248 Forumite
    Click reply all "by accident"

    Put in the following text

    "Hi (insert name of emailer here)

    Its fantastic to hear your mum wants to come with us, and what a lovely idea you had trying to fund the trip for her. Unfortunately though, I'm afraid I simply cannot afford to pay an extra (amount being sought) to help fund your mum coming. As I'm sure you can appreciate (cost of holiday) is a LOT of money, especially in this tough economic climate. I'm fairly certain I am not the only one who would struggle to find even more money, especially when there will be food, drink, taxi's etc to pay for while we are there.

    I'm sorry your nice gesture for your mum won't work out but I'm sure she'll enjoy herself on the trip anyway.

    Kind Regards etc.

    There ya go, you are off the hook, the cheeky cow doesn't have a leg to stand on now that the rest of the group know you have opened the floodgates to say no and the mother will come or not on her own dime.
    This was 6 months out of date so I've changed it.
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