help with 14 yr old daughter

bonjovibel_729

pigpen wrote: »

Oh, and she probably isn't unhappy.. she is 14.. they are hormonal, hysterical attention seeking divas who think the world revolves around them and owes them everything.. thankfully they do outgrow it! But it is perfectly normal unfortunately.

Talk to her like she is a sensible responsible person, you will get further with that than nagging berating and preaching.

Thnks think I know the way forward...but if I treat her as an adult wat bout wen she deliberately comes in later than I tell her shud I do nothing as the general opinion on here seems to b punishin her does not work at her age...

balletshoes

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

Thnks think I know the way forward...but if I treat her as an adult wat bout wen she deliberately comes in later than I tell her shud I do nothing as the general opinion on here seems to b punishin her does not work at her age...

i would set that boundary before she goes out - tell her why you want her to be home by a certain time.

bonjovibel_729

balletshoes wrote: »

i would set that boundary before she goes out - tell her why you want her to be home by a certain time.

And if she doesnt listen and comes home hrs later?

FatVonD

My DSD is the same age as your DD, OP, and to me it seems waaaaay too young but I guess 14-years-olds have always done it and you just don't *think* you're young at that age.

Since the horse has already bolted I do think you should take the advice of getting her to her GP ASAP for contraception (incidentally a girl in my DSD's year at school is pregnant, don't let it be your daughter too!)

Re 'snooping', I disagree with most on here, if the OP didn't 'snoop' she'd not have known about the grooming or the 17-year-old boy. We keep an eye on my DS's facebook page (no login) just to see what's going on. We've also been known to eavesdrop on his X-box conversations. I think though that, unless they are in real danger, whatever you find out you keep to yourself. I have however rearranged a visit to his dad's so he was out of town for a particular party where there was going to be soft drugs. Thankfully, since then, they have all dropped the boy that was bringing them.

Re your daughter and your DH, I have a similar situation, my husband is an obsessive tidier and my son is a slob and they hate each other, The difference is that I take my son's side. Our household isn't all sweetness and light because of it but if you won't take her side who will?

balletshoes

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

And if she doesnt listen and comes home hrs later?

do you think she will do that, without telling you? Or are you thinking worst-case scenario?

bonjovibel_729

balletshoes wrote: »

do you think she will do that, without telling you? Or are you thinking worst-case scenario?

She has before

AAAAA

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

She has before

Great parenting.:T:T:T:T

jayII

Grounding worked for my kids when they did not come home on time, but I made sure they knew the consequences of being late and also made sure I was reasonable.

For instance, I didn't ground them if they were late as they missed the bus, forgot the time or similar, as long as they texted me to let me know they were running late.

I explained that I worried about them if they were late and did not know where they were, just as they would worry about me if I disappeared. (They denied worrying about me, but that's beside the point. )

I didn't shout and fuss though, just calmly told them what was happening. In my experience, shouting at teenagers is completely innefective.

Sparkles87

It sounds as if daughter has made the decision to have a sexual relationship that she has come to think is acceptable due to her previous relationship online. She definitely needs advice about contraception and STIs.

The guilt trip over losing her virginity is counterproductive with teenagers, many I've worked with have then used this as a justification to sleep around with more partners as its no longer "special" and neither are they.
A more helpful approach might be, right now that's her boyfriend (positive point) and it felt right to engage in sex, the relationship might not last forever but it'll still be special and it'll mean something to her as she goes into further relationships as an adult. Also, reiterate that just because she's had sex once, doesn't mean she always has to - she's always within her rights to say no, not in the mood, don't want to etc.
Empower the young woman rather than scold the child.

pigpen

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

Thnks think I know the way forward...but if I treat her as an adult wat bout wen she deliberately comes in later than I tell her shud I do nothing as the general opinion on here seems to b punishin her does not work at her age...

That is a different issue entirely.. If my daughter (15) comes home late she is given a warning if she does it again she has to be home an hour earlier until she can come home on time.. She is aware of my reasons for wanting her home at the time I say (there are a lot of bars with undesirable people who lurk about quite early and too many sex offences) and if she wants to stay out later she can come and speak to me about it and we will reach a compromise. If she will be late and texts/rings to let me know I am ok with it, however, if she deliberately comes in late she gets moaned at. I just need to know she is safe and she knows that. I also know she has been having sex and made sure she was doing so safely and backed off so long as I know where and who with, I can't stop it and I would rather be approachable than have her worry over things I can help with.. the smoking however was another matter entirely..

Respect has to be earned and they need to be able to show you they can behave responsibly and keep themselves safe and they have to understand you need to see the evidence then you can respect them. By the same bat you have to give them the trust and freedom to beable to show you they can be trusted. Crashing on their heads loses its effect when it is your normal response.

Sit down and talk to her like a young adult rather than a child, work with her and she will work with you. It sounds like you are working against one another at the moment.

I am far from letting them do as they please and I am a total control freak so I do struggle with letting them go.. I understand MY beliefs may not be theirs and I cannot bend them to my will, I taught them to be independant and think for themselves so I have to accept they will make choices I don't like same as I do to my mother still!.