help with 14 yr old daughter

**professor~yaffle**

Actually, in a way I'm surprised the teens even speak to their parents in such detail. Did you come home to your mother and let her know you'd lost your virginity, I certainly didn't :rotfl: Mind you, I wasn't 14 :eek: I would have thought sex is something you do when you're grown-up enough not to have to be so dependent on your parents, but what do I know.. As I say, things are very different now.

System

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Actually, in a way I'm surprised the teens even speak to their parents in such detail. Did you come home to your mother and let her know you'd lost your virginity, I certainly didn't :rotfl:

At the age of 15 i didnt feel like i had a choice. I went on a weekend break with my boyfriend a child and came back a woman. In a way i had disappointed myself and disappointed my parents. After my boyfriend had bought me home and i settled down into my family unit the reality had hit me like a ton of bricks and i sat sobbing.

That was one lesson i learned the hard way 'dont believe your Mother when she tells you that you can tell her anything'.... but thats a story in itself.

Person_one

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Actually, in a way I'm surprised the teens even speak to their parents in such detail. Did you come home to your mother and let her know you'd lost your virginity, I certainly didn't :rotfl: Mind you, I wasn't 14 :eek: I would have thought sex is something you do when you're grown-up enough not to have to be so dependent on your parents, but what do I know.. As I say, things are very different now.

I was pretty 'dependent' on my parents until I was 22, and then again for about 6 months when I was 25.

Seems a strange thing to base your sex life on!

**professor~yaffle**

Wow, did I just have over-protective parents or something? :rotfl: There's no way I would have been allowed to go on a weekend away with a boyfriend at 15.

**professor~yaffle**

Person_one wrote: »

I was pretty 'dependent' on my parents until I was 22, and then again for about 6 months when I was 25.

Seems a strange thing to base your sex life on!

I meant dependent on having to tell them everything you do or don't do. Twist my words though

Person_one

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

I meant dependent on having to tell them everything you do or don't do. Twist my words though

I wasn't twisting your words at all, you just said 'dependent', you weren't more specific.

System

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Wow, did I just have over-protective parents or something? :rotfl: There's no way I would have been allowed to go on a weekend away with a boyfriend at 15.

I know, seems crazy when i think about it. Theres no way i would have let my 15 year old daughter go away for a weekend with a 21 year old man!

Thinking about it further they could have had him up in court for having sex with a minor.:eek:

pigpen

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Wow, did I just have over-protective parents or something? :rotfl: There's no way I would have been allowed to go on a weekend away with a boyfriend at 15.

I'd say you had ones that cared... but when I was 15 I might have agreed

at 15v mine wouldnt be permitted a relationship with a 21 year old man, I'd have rang the police immediately.. ask my daughter because I did it!!

dandelionclock30

Its better that she has your support in getting contraception as opposed to you organizing her abortion or her getting a bad STD.
She will have sex will or without your approval, it happens even if we find it distasteful. Keep communication open and take her to the family planning clinic ASAP.

jellyhead

pigpen wrote: »

My son was terrible leaving shoes everywhere, everytime I found some I opened the door and flung them in the garden.. not put just outside flung outside with gay abandon.. after a couple of days he asked where they were so I pointed outside, in the rain.. he had to go collect them, clean them and get them dry... but he never did it again. I've had coats, schoolbags, binbags of 'stuff' all dumped outside.. it is harsh but I refuse to spend my life screaming at children.

My mum used to give us 5 minutes warning that she was going to get a bin bag, and anything that was on the floor was fair game :rotfl:

Although I agree that with sex you need to move away from punishment we still use punishment with our 16 year old when it comes to leaving his things where I trip over them, or coming home late. The most effective punishment is removal of internet. His room has a separate switch so we can just remove his electricity, or unplug the cable for his internet. We're not really strict, but we are consistent and he knows in advance what the consequences of annoying me will be.

I think knowing the 'rules' in advance works better than reacting after they've done something. They can make the decision for themselves whether it's worth coming home late - and it rarely is. He can stay out later on a weekend, but on a school night there are valid reasons for him needing to be home at a reasonable hour, and we want the door locked before we go up to bed, but can't trust him to remember to do it. If he can see valid reasons for us making a particular rule then he can see that it makes sense to go along with what we want. He knows he needs a lot of sleep, so he can't stay up til 4am if he has school the next day, unlike his friends who seem able to get out of bed on time.

ETA: The 'rules' were for when he was 14. At 16 he doesn't need them because he has the maturity to make his own decisions, and he doesn't make bad ones any more. At 14 though he was easily led by friends who had no boundaries and rarely spoke to their parents. He used to get angry that we were so 'harsh' when he was 14 but now he says he knows we were just trying to prevent him from going the way the 'bad crowd' did, and he appreciates it.

If he'd been having sex at 14 I'd have been beside myself with worry and probably would have reacted with anger and fear. I admire the OP for asking for advice on this.