help with 14 yr old daughter

bonjovibel_729

ValHaller wrote: »

Afraid OP will delete stuff?

Looking at her previous threads, she does not appear to be one who goes off in a huff for not getting the answer she hopes for. In fact, respect to her for seeking input and for the most part not flinching when she is being told she is doing it wrong. She is trying hard in trying circumstances and I think she does have the integrity and strength to accept the unpalatable.

thanks i never said i was perfect and yes have made mistakes just wanted to see what other ppl thought...yes its not what i was expecting however i am still learning and willing to accept any advice..not judgements

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

thanks i never said i was perfect and yes have made mistakes just wanted to see what other ppl thought...yes its not what i was expecting however i am still learning and willing to accept any advice..not judgements

You gave a scenario that bears little relation to reality. If your current husband is the man who was so abusive to you and your children then you can't then turn around and pretend that his behaviour is acceptable and hasn't had any impact on your daughter. Likewise, your history with your cheating, then leaving your husband and shacking up with a man who put drugs before his children, only to then apparently leave him and halt your nearly-finished divorce and reunite with a man who treated you and your daughter like a piece of dirt. It will all have had an effect.

Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it go away. None of that helps your daughter.

claire16c

On Monday morning call the docs and make her an appt. I would advise ok driving her there but let her see the dr on her own. She can ask for contraception & std testing. I would think that having to get all the tests done will be much more of a detterent to sleeping with any other guys unprotected, than doing stuff like confiscating her laptop etc.

I know it might seem like you're giving the green light but better than that a nasty disease or a baby.

AAAAA

ValHaller wrote: »

Afraid OP will delete stuff?

Yes :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: It's NOT a surprise her daughter does all this stuff.

ValHaller

I've been looking back and I have found this with 59 thanks:

Triker wrote: »

Take the laptop away or the desktop, remove all access including mobile phone. Assert yourself as the parent in charge who will not have your decisions around internet safety undermined.

Perhaps ground your daughter so she understands the severity of the situation for a short period.

Bottom line is what her safety is paramount and contrary to popular teenage belief they don't know everything and we are not all boring and over cautious.

I speak from experience unfortunately....take a look here and maybe get your daughter to see.....http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/ from the Child Exploitation and Online Protection organisation.

And now here we are at this thread, Things have lurched from bad to worse.

It makes me say all the more that the best you can do is equip them to deal with the hazards of the adult world for themselves. It is a whole lot harder than cutting off the internet and the mobile and access to similarly minded teens of the the opposite gender in the flesh. But it is more likely to be successful.

ValHaller

AAAAA wrote: »

Yes :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: It's NOT a surprise her daughter does all this stuff.

While it is not a surprise, OP seems to have left previous threads on the subject of her daughter intact, which is very helpful for giving context and ultimately for getting good insights into the issue. She is too concerned for her daughter to get into a huff. It is easy to sit here and say she is doing it all wrong. But she is trying hard and her opening post shows she is the first one to acknowledge that she is not managing to get it right. Give her the space - my money is on her being able to overcome her own limitations of upbringing and experience to make the changes that can turn this around.

balletshoes

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason...

i told her dad as he is her father and has a right to know what is going on with his daughter...if she came home pregnant and he finds out i knew she was having sex who d u think he will blame??

and maybe she does feel 'shouted at' as u put it but if she listened to what we tell her instead of just doin what she wants the whole house wud be a lot happier

she's 14, she's having sex, she's not using anything. Surely its better that she starts using contraception? I agree with splishsplash.
You're her mum, she should be able to come to you and talk to you about her feelings if she wants/needs to, without you getting defensive or angry, if those feelings are negative about your OH.

I would apologise to her for snooping on her tablet, and ask her calmly what she wants to do about contraception. Ask her how she is feeling about all the things she has told her Dad, and listen, without reacting negatively, until she's finished. Its hard being that age, I used to feel like I'd explode from all the things I wanted to say to my mum but just couldn't get out. I wrote her a letter a couple of times, which she then read and talked to me about. And hug her - girls are never too old for hugs (neither are us mums).

AAAAA

ValHaller wrote: »

my money is on her being able to overcome her own limitations of upbringing and experience to make the changes that can turn this around.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

pigpen

I'm not getting into the ins and outs of your relationship as her parents... ALL parents are nuts

She hasn't done anything thousands and thousands of other 14 y/o girls haven't done.

I would... get her to do a chlamydia test, you can get a free bottle to send a urine sample for free.. I would also have her do a pregnancy test. I would then insist she had some form of contraception. If she is going to have sex it won't be a one off so she needs to take precautions. You aren't saying it is ok to have sex you are saying you know, and you want her to be sensible and careful it doesnt change that she knows you do not approve. TBH, I would have the implant or something she cannot 'forget' to use and make sure she has condoms.. it isn't just pregnancy that needs preventing. An STI can cause her to be infertile that means no babies now or ever.

Removing her things is futile. She can use the ones at school, library friends etc.. and you run the risk of not knowing anything. Yes she is a child but she has the power to reason and needs to be treated as such. It will just create animosity which is not a way forward in this situation. I ask mine to show me what is on their lappy/tablet/phone etc, if they don't show me I look anyway but they are usually quite forthcoming, they know this is the deal and part of me keeping them safe and being interested in them and wanting the best for them. I don't go in guns blazing I just ask them and flick through their history and talk to them about what they've been doing/looking at/researching.

She made this decision and it is an adult decision therefore she should not be treated like a naughty child. If she wasn't forced or coerced there isn't a thing you can do now.

As for playing off parents/step-parents.. that is what they do.. they tell the parent they are with just what they want to hear whether it causes strife between the parents or not, by doing this they remove the possibility you will share information between you and it will detract your eyes from them and they can get away with things they couldnt normally. You need to work together for the best interests of your children.. do not be drawn into that trap.

This is lining the path for them to say they are going to live with their dad whether they think they will get away with more there or be allowed more freedom is anyones guess.

I am sure the ages they are they don't need to be shouted at to get them to remove their stuff.. they can be asked nicely and if they don't do it they stuff is put outside in the garden or next to the bin and plates/rubbish is put IN their beds... you only have to do it a few times and they get the message.. My son was terrible leaving shoes everywhere, everytime I found some I opened the door and flung them in the garden.. not put just outside flung outside with gay abandon.. after a couple of days he asked where they were so I pointed outside, in the rain.. he had to go collect them, clean them and get them dry... but he never did it again. I've had coats, schoolbags, binbags of 'stuff' all dumped outside.. it is harsh but I refuse to spend my life screaming at children.

I'd just be glad it wasn't smoking, drinking, drugs, violence etc... These have much longer lasting effects and a sneaky quicky.. assuming she isn't pregnant obviously.

pigpen

Oh, and she probably isn't unhappy.. she is 14.. they are hormonal, hysterical attention seeking divas who think the world revolves around them and owes them everything.. thankfully they do outgrow it! But it is perfectly normal unfortunately.

Talk to her like she is a sensible responsible person, you will get further with that than nagging berating and preaching.