help with 14 yr old daughter

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

actually i didnt snoop she let me use her tablet and the messages were on the front page....yes i have her facebook password but rarely use it.....i did not fly of the handle..i spoke to her in a calm way and asked her what hte messages were implying were what i thought they were implying had happened....i then spoke to her calmly and told her that i was disappoiinted she had not waited and that to give yourself to someone like that is special and shud not be wasted.....i told her she was grounded until i thought about what should happen and took her internet from her until her dad had talked to her this weekend as i was not sure how to deal with this....then this all kicked off about my oh and btw i cudnt care less if you believe it this is the truth about what has happened

It sounds as if you're more bothered that your husband's behaviour has been exposed to your ex, than anything else.

System

You still need to address contraception whatever the situation.

I got marched down the doctors when my Mom found out i'd had sex for the first time at the age of 15. Whilst i didnt need the name calling and the yelling i got, she did exactly the right thing as i wouldnt have had the guts to go to my GP by myself.

I learned from my Mothers mistakes though and when my daughter got into her first serious relationship, i 'suggested' we went down the doctors together to see about going on the pill. I took a gamble as i didnt want it to give her the green light before she was ready but 8 years on she thanked me and agreed that it was the right thing to do. She'd been wanting to have sex for a time but didnt want to get pregnant and wasnt strong enough to go to the GP alone. Thank goodness she was older and maturer than i was though. I'd like to think she'd got a more understanding Mother than i'd got too.

FBaby

You are in denial. Unfortunately, once your child has sex, they HAD sex. There is no going back, no hoping to pretend it never happen. Most parents do everything they can to avoid it, but once it has, you have to accept that you have to move to the next stage of dealing with a teenage sexuality, not do everything to go back to what it was before, just because that is what you want. Your daughter might still be a child, she is now a free thinking one. You can't make her think the way you want her to think. So she's had sex and you found out snooping. There are three possibilities:
- she fell madly in love with this boy and all sense prevails
- she felt pressured to do it
- she is unhappy at home and this is her escape.

She didn't use protection because:
- she was too scared to go anywhere and ask
- she didn't think or is in denial of the risk
- she doesn't care and actually, if she falls pregnant, good, at least another human being will care and love her.

Whatever the circumstances, punishing her is NOT going to make her stop, all it will do is alienate her. The best you can do to insure she is safe mentally, psychologically and physically is to insure she is having sex by choice and she is protected. That's the BEST outcome you can influence. If she decides to stop, it won't be because you ask her to, or punish her, it will be because she has decided to do so herself.

I would definitely look at the wider picture though. The fact that she is sexually active at such a young age AND that she has admitted to be very unhappy is not to be ignored and just put down to manipulation on her part. It is highly likely that there is an element of truth to it. It might be justified or not, but that is not the point, if she is unhappy, she will express it the wrong way.

Your ex might have a point about your husband backing up. In the end, he should be there to support you, but not take over disciplining especially if she won't accept it from him. I am in a new relationship and it is clear between my partner and I that I am the main disciplinarian. I was before I met him and therefore still should be. That doesn't mean that I don't consider his views, I always do, and very occasionally, he will step up (actually only once recently when my 10yo was talking rudely to me), but my son totally accepted it because he knew he was doing wrong. I had a step-mum myself who tried to take over discipline and I resented her badly for it.

Open your eyes and stop treating your daughter like a 5 yo. The first thing you should have done is apologise for invading her personal space, tell her you were worried for her, and ask her why she decided to be sexually active and go from there. You DEFINITELY should have informed her first that you were going to tell her dad.

midnightraven3

the FIRST thing is ensuring your daughters well being here
STDs are rife and incredibly damaging
she has had unprotected sex, is there any chance she could be pregnant?
getting tested for STDs & pregnancy would be my 1st concern
at the same time address contraception

"i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason..."

you dont REALLY think she isnt going to have sex regardless do you?
she has already
she needs a mum, she needs information and practical help

THEN you can address the other problems
unless you think a baby at 14/15 & potentially damaging STDs can just happen while you sort out the rest of the muddle of husbands/OHs?
i know where my priority would be

Treevo

OP is your current husband the one who locked you all out of the house and gave away your belongings, or the boyfriend who used drugs in the house while you were left to entertain the children?

bonjovibel_729

midnightraven3 wrote: »

the FIRST thing is ensuring your daughters well being here
STDs are rife and incredibly damaging
she has had unprotected sex, is there any chance she could be pregnant?
getting tested for STDs & pregnancy would be my 1st concern
at the same time address contraception

"i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason..."

you dont REALLY think she isnt going to have sex regardless do you?
she has already
she needs a mum, she needs information and practical help

THEN you can address the other problems
unless you think a baby at 14/15 & potentially damaging STDs can just happen while you sort out the rest of the muddle of husbands/OHs?
i know where my priority would be

ok i can see maybe i have been going down the wrong route like i said i was just using things that have worked in the past but as everyone i saying she is growing up and i need to treat her as such....think i will make her an appt at the dr tomorrow for her to talk to her and decide whether the pill is the right approach for her....

ValHaller

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

whilst i understand what u are saying ....i didnt realise there was a guide book on how to bring up teenage daughters if there is pls point me in the direction...i have never had to experience any of this before and am still learning yes i have probably done things wrong and there are things i cud have done better ....but the one underlying fact is i am trying to protect her from gedtting into a situation that she cannot get out of...

yes my husband and her usually get along fine...well when she is not in a mood (she is a teenager after all)

its all very well telling me what i have done wrong .....but i am hanging on by a thread here and some positive input on what to do next wud be appreciated thanks

Guide book? There ain't none.

As for hanging on by a thread, it implies some desperation, which injected into the situation is probably making things worse. So let the thread break.

I would suggest a serious change of mindset here. That you accept that punishment is past its sell by date and you work to find other methods of communicating with your daughter so that she can manage herself without needing to be told things.

Have a think about what you do want for her - 'I want you to be happy' rather than what you don't want - 'I don't want you to have sex'. They nearly amount to the same thing in that sex for a 14 year old is unlikely to bring more than transient happiness. But somehow, I think that you are so stressed out that you are putting across the conclusion '14 yearolds should not have sex' rather than the reason 'I want my children to grow up happy and able to cope with adult things'.

And give her back all the stuff you have taken. Just say you were wrong, because it does not convey the message that you want her to be able to enjoy a relationship which will last without baggage from awful mistakes at 14 years old.

cheepskate_2

I think midnightraven makes a valid point.. Could your child be pregnant already. There is a real possibility she could.

If she has only been with the boyfriend a month then , you may not know yet.
I would persuade her do a pregnancy test , as the results may change everything.

AAAAA

am just asking for some advice...my daughter has just turned 14 and have just found out she has slept with her bf for the first time...she has only been with him for less than a mnth...i challenged her about it....(i found messages on her tablet) and she refused to talk to me she admitted she had done it and not used anything....whilst being angry i also tried to get her to understand what she has done is wrong for someone her age and that hse has to respect herself more...however i think it went in one ear out the other...i have grounded her and took her internet gadgets away apart from her laptop that her dad bought her.....now i have been umming and ahhing about whther to tell her dad (we are seperated) and my husband persuaded me that he needed to know if we are to work together...so i bit the bullet and told my ex ....he hit the roof when i told him...was going to find the lad and basically kill him...and when she comes to his house this weekend she will have her laptop taken off her...after a few hrs he rang me back and told me he is not going to tell my daughter he knows and he is not going to do anything about it...


fast forward to this weekend both my daughters have gone down there i had a call yesterday basically saying the reason why she has slept with this boy is that she is sooo unhppy at home...that my husband shouts at her all the time which is not true and that my other daughter has collaborated her story that my husband is constantly on their backs...now while i agree my husband is quite strict he only nags at them to tidy up the mess they make to make my life easier..such as not leaving their bags directly my the front door..or putting empty wrappers in the bin or taking their plates to the sink.....their dad thinks this is too harsh and thats my job...

think he said regardless of what they do my husband has no right to shout at them..i disagree while they are in our house the run by our rules...

so basically by deflecting the blame onto us my 14 yr old daughter is getting absolutely no punishment for what she has done...he said she is just a curious teenager and while i agree with this i dont want her coming home pregnant at 14......he has also got her to change her facebook password in order to stop me checking up on her....(i allowed her facebook as long as i had the password)


am at a loss how to act when she comes home now ... she said she is coming back as she doesnt want to miss her friends but surely if things were that bad she wudnt want to come home at all


any help wud be appreciated as i am going out of my mind tryng to figure out wat to do

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

hiya me and her dad have been seperated for around 10 yrs i have been with my current husband for around 8 yrs she is in yr 9 now

basically she is saying all her problems are down to my oh

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

we been apart around 10 yrs never married (thank god) they seem to wrap their dad around their little finger tbh whilst he is strict with them i think my eldest knows how much her dad hates her being brought up by another man and uses it to her advantage ....

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason...

i told her dad as he is her father and has a right to know what is going on with his daughter...if she came home pregnant and he finds out i knew she was having sex who d u think he will blame??

and maybe she does feel 'shouted at' as u put it but if she listened to what we tell her instead of just doin what she wants the whole house wud be a lot happier

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

she has just turned 14 and he will be 16 this yr

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

whilst i understand what u are saying ....i didnt realise there was a guide book on how to bring up teenage daughters if there is pls point me in the direction...i have never had to experience any of this before and am still learning yes i have probably done things wrong and there are things i cud have done better ....but the one underlying fact is i am trying to protect her from gedtting into a situation that she cannot get out of...

yes my husband and her usually get along fine...well when she is not in a mood (she is a teenager after all)

its all very well telling me what i have done wrong .....but i am hanging on by a thread here and some positive input on what to do next wud be appreciated thanks

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

but surely it is better to try and get her to refrain from seually activity rather than tellin her go ahead as long as ur protected??

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

yes i have spoken to her at length about sex and relationships i have tried to encourage her to respect herself and to wait until she finds the right person

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

AT LAST someone seeing it from my point of view....i know i cant stop her if thats what she wants to do she will find a way i guess i was naively thinking i can get her to understand its better to wait..judging from peoples reactions i was wrong...

talked to my mum about it yesterday and she said her dad is all mouth and no trousers its always me that has to set the rules and be the bad guy

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

like i said i have had conversations with her about sex and clearly this has got me nowhere.....i am not saying i am perfect in dealing with this i am definitely on a learning curve which is why i posted here for some advice so far all i have got is ppl telling me what i have done wrong.....im angry because my ex has completely missed the point and not even bothered to discuss with her about what has happened instead chosen to believe her version of why she has done what she has done and chosen to make this into some sort of argument between me and him instead of focusing on what is important in thsi which is my duaghter

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

i never said everything was tickety boo every family has ups and downs dont they??? i never claimed to be mother of the year and i find ur post quite offensive

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

actually i have only been married once so get ur facts straight pls clearly u are only on this thread to cause trouble

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

if u have nothing positive to add then pls refrain from posting

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

actually i didnt snoop she let me use her tablet and the messages were on the front page....yes i have her facebook password but rarely use it.....i did not fly of the handle..i spoke to her in a calm way and asked her what hte messages were implying were what i thought they were implying had happened....i then spoke to her calmly and told her that i was disappoiinted she had not waited and that to give yourself to someone like that is special and shud not be wasted.....i told her she was grounded until i thought about what should happen and took her internet from her until her dad had talked to her this weekend as i was not sure how to deal with this....then this all kicked off about my oh and btw i cudnt care less if you believe it this is the truth about what has happened

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

ok i can see maybe i have been going down the wrong route like i said i was just using things that have worked in the past but as everyone i saying she is growing up and i need to treat her as such....think i will make her an appt at the dr tomorrow for her to talk to her and decide whether the pill is the right approach for her....

:doh::doh::doh::doh:

bonjovibel_729

ValHaller wrote: »

Guide book? There ain't none.

As for hanging on by a thread, it implies some desperation, which injected into the situation is probably making things worse. So let the thread break.

I would suggest a serious change of mindset here. That you accept that punishment is past its sell by date and you work to find other methods of communicating with your daughter so that she can manage herself without needing to be told things.

Have a think about what you do want for her - 'I want you to be happy' rather than what you don't want - 'I don't want you to have sex'. They nearly amount to the same thing in that sex for a 14 year old is unlikely to bring more than transient happiness. But somehow, I think that you are so stressed out that you are putting across the conclusion '14 yearolds should not have sex' rather than the reason 'I want my children to grow up happy and able to cope with adult things'.

And give her back all the stuff you have taken. Just say you were wrong, because it does not convey the message that you want her to be able to enjoy a relationship which will last without baggage from awful mistakes at 14 years old.

thansk for this yes i am a bit desperate am dealing with a lot of other family problems at the moment and am slightly stressed to say the least....like i said will make an appt at the dr tomorrow for her and hopefully sort it out from there i only want her to be happy