help with 14 yr old daughter

bonjovibel_729

Judi wrote: »

Load of bullsh!t. She had sex because she wanted to. Kids have got this knack of twisting things round so that they can blame someone else.



Looks like your daughter got lessons for shifting responsibility off her Dad. What a cop out! The bloke is full of hot air.

AT LAST someone seeing it from my point of view....i know i cant stop her if thats what she wants to do she will find a way i guess i was naively thinking i can get her to understand its better to wait..judging from peoples reactions i was wrong...

talked to my mum about it yesterday and she said her dad is all mouth and no trousers its always me that has to set the rules and be the bad guy

Cherry_Bomb

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

but surely it is better to try and get her to refrain from seually activity rather than tellin her go ahead as long as ur protected??

Well if you work out the magic formula for stopping teens engaging in underage sex then bottle it because you'll make a fortune.

By all means have a chat about why it's better when you're older etc etc but like I've already said she's done it once, she's probably going to do it again.

fluffnutter

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

but surely it is better to try and get her to refrain from seually activity rather than tellin her go ahead as long as ur protected??

It won't work. Honestly, preaching abstinence has no effect whatsoever on whether kids have sex or not. TBH, she knows she's not supposed to, doesn't she? She won't be unaware that the age of consent is 16. But she's still doing it, so telling her not to is not going to work, is it?

You need to talk to her.

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason...

i told her dad as he is her father and has a right to know what is going on with his daughter...if she came home pregnant and he finds out i knew she was having sex who d u think he will blame??

and maybe she does feel 'shouted at' as u put it but if she listened to what we tell her instead of just doin what she wants the whole house wud be a lot happier

She's going to have sex regardless, as teenagers have done since humanity sprang from the primordial ooze. Taking responsibility and ensuring that your daughter is protecting herself is what you need to be doing as a parent - not the 'la la la if I ignore it, it won't happen' game that you're currently playing. Frankly, you should have done this long ago with a honest and open conversation based on the reality of sex.

If you had done this then maybe your daughter would have talked to you about her life, and you wouldn't have had to sneak around and dig through her personal items to find out. The fact that you felt the need to 'challenge' her rather than just talk to her should give you an idea of where you're going wrong.

It's obvious that both your children are unhappy with the way your husband treats them, and you saying 'our house, our rules' isn't going to cut it. Treating your daughter like she's some evil manipulative genius whose sole reason for living is to annoy your husband and disrupt your family (clearly in your mind this is you and your husband) is only getting you one thing - a long and lonely life where your children don't want anything to do with you.

Seriously, read your posts back and see if you find yourself reasonable. You're angry because your ex took a step back, talked to his daughter and made a decision based on reality, instead of flying off the handle and acting as you did.

The first thing you should do when your daughter returns is to apologise for breaking her trust. Then maybe you can start parenting like an adult rather than a baby.

fluffnutter

Judi wrote: »

She had sex because she wanted to.

I think her stuff about her dad and being unhappy is a smokescreen, but I don't think we can automatically assume she had sex because she wanted to. Let's hope that's the situation, but she's only 14. She might well have felt pressured into it, either by her boyfriend or simply because she feels that everyone else is.

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

AT LAST someone seeing it from my point of view....i know i cant stop her if thats what she wants to do she will find a way i guess i was naively thinking i can get her to understand its better to wait..judging from peoples reactions i was wrong...

talked to my mum about it yesterday and she said her dad is all mouth and no trousers its always me that has to set the rules and be the bad guy

If you just wanted people to back up your point of view and treat you like a saint and your ex as a vile waste of space, you should've just said that.

fluffnutter

Treevo wrote: »

Treating your daughter like she's some evil manipulative genius whose sole reason for living is to annoy your husband and disrupt your family (clearly in your mind this is you and your husband) is only getting you one thing - a long and lonely life where your children don't want anything to do with you.

Spot on.

OP, your daughter's only 14 and she needs her mum, frankly. She's making some adult decisions without appreciating the consequences and she needs you to guide her, not rant about her.

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

hiya me and her dad have been seperated for around 10 yrs i have been with my current husband for around 8 yrs she is in yr 9 now

basically she is saying all her problems are down to my oh

So was this the husband that you were divorcing in 2011? The one you left in 2010, presumably taking your children with you to live with your parents?

And is this the same daughter who was 'inappropriately' talking to strangers on the internet? And who had a 'relationship' of sorts with a 17 year old?

It seems like you've missed out quite a bit of relevant information while trying to sell the story that you're mother of the year and your happy family life is being disrupted by your attention-seeking daughter who has no reason to ever be anything other than tickety-boo.

bonjovibel_729

Treevo wrote: »

She's going to have sex regardless, as teenagers have done since humanity sprang from the primordial ooze. Taking responsibility and ensuring that your daughter is protecting herself is what you need to be doing as a parent - not the 'la la la if I ignore it, it won't happen' game that you're currently playing. Frankly, you should have done this long ago with a honest and open conversation based on the reality of sex.

If you had done this then maybe your daughter would have talked to you about her life, and you wouldn't have had to sneak around and dig through her personal items to find out. The fact that you felt the need to 'challenge' her rather than just talk to her should give you an idea of where you're going wrong.

It's obvious that both your children are unhappy with the way your husband treats them, and you saying 'our house, our rules' isn't going to cut it. Treating your daughter like she's some evil manipulative genius whose sole reason for living is to annoy your husband and disrupt your family (clearly in your mind this is you and your husband) is only getting you one thing - a long and lonely life where your children don't want anything to do with you.

Seriously, read your posts back and see if you find yourself reasonable. You're angry because your ex took a step back, talked to his daughter and made a decision based on reality, instead of flying off the handle and acting as you did.

The first thing you should do when your daughter returns is to apologise for breaking her trust. Then maybe you can start parenting like an adult rather than a baby.

like i said i have had conversations with her about sex and clearly this has got me nowhere.....i am not saying i am perfect in dealing with this i am definitely on a learning curve which is why i posted here for some advice so far all i have got is ppl telling me what i have done wrong.....im angry because my ex has completely missed the point and not even bothered to discuss with her about what has happened instead chosen to believe her version of why she has done what she has done and chosen to make this into some sort of argument between me and him instead of focusing on what is important in thsi which is my duaghter

bonjovibel_729

Treevo wrote: »

So was this the husband that you were divorcing in 2011? The one you left in 2010, presumably taking your children with you to live with your parents?

And is this the same daughter who was 'inappropriately' talking to strangers on the internet? And who had a 'relationship' of sorts with a 17 year old?

It seems like you've missed out quite a bit of relevant information while trying to sell the story that you're mother of the year and your happy family life is being disrupted by your attention-seeking daughter who has no reason to ever be anything other than tickety-boo.

i never said everything was tickety boo every family has ups and downs dont they??? i never claimed to be mother of the year and i find ur post quite offensive