help with 14 yr old daughter

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i never said everything was tickety boo every family has ups and downs dont they??? i never claimed to be mother of the year and i find ur post quite offensive

Really? You don't think her history is relevant? Or the fact that you were in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce where all your children's belongings were given away by your husband (now ex?) all the while you seem to have been in another long-term relationship?

It doesn't really make sense.

bonjovibel_729

Treevo wrote: »

Really? You don't think her history is relevant? Or the fact that you were in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce where all your children's belongings were given away by your husband (now ex?) all the while you seem to have been in another long-term relationship?

It doesn't really make sense.

actually i have only been married once so get ur facts straight pls clearly u are only on this thread to cause trouble

bonjovibel_729

if u have nothing positive to add then pls refrain from posting

fluffnutter

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

talked to my mum about it yesterday and she said her dad is all mouth and no trousers its always me that has to set the rules and be the bad guy

Whilst you and your ex score points off each other perhaps you could spare a thought for your daughter who's out there having sex, possibly without contraception and certainly without support.

Cherry_Bomb

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

like i said i have had conversations with her about sex and clearly this has got me nowhere.....i am not saying i am perfect in dealing with this i am definitely on a learning curve which is why i posted here for some advice so far all i have got is ppl telling me what i have done wrong.....im angry because my ex has completely missed the point and not even bothered to discuss with her about what has happened instead chosen to believe her version of why she has done what she has done and chosen to make this into some sort of argument between me and him instead of focusing on what is important in thsi which is my duaghter

OP you have been given lots of advice. You choosing to ignore it does not mean you've had unhelpful replies.

Stop being angry with your ex and concentrate on your daughter.

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

like i said i have had conversations with her about sex and clearly this has got me nowhere.....i am not saying i am perfect in dealing with this i am definitely on a learning curve which is why i posted here for some advice so far all i have got is ppl telling me what i have done wrong.....im angry because my ex has completely missed the point and not even bothered to discuss with her about what has happened instead chosen to believe her version of why she has done what she has done and chosen to make this into some sort of argument between me and him instead of focusing on what is important in thsi which is my duaghter

I don't believe you because no one who has ever had long, honest, frank conversations about sex and relationships needs to snoop and then confront their children with what they've found. It doesn't happen.

I really don't think your ex has missed the point, quite the reverse.

You snooped, flew off the handle and 'challenged' your daughter. Your ex, on the other hand, found out what had gone on, flew off the handle away from his daughter, waited to calm down, then talked to her, listened to her and then decided what to do.

He's reacted in a different way than you, a way that is a lot more mature and realistic. You seem to be more angry about him dealing with him better than you, than you are about your own failure to deal with this properly. Parenting isn't a competition, and if you continue to treat it like it is one - you'll lose.

cheepskate_2

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

like i said i have had conversations with her about sex and clearly this has got me nowhere.....i am not saying i am perfect in dealing with this i am definitely on a learning curve which is why i posted here for some advice so far all i have got is ppl telling me what i have done wrong.....im angry because my ex has completely missed the point and not even bothered to discuss with her about what has happened instead chosen to believe her version of why she has done what she has done and chosen to make this into some sort of argument between me and him instead of focusing on what is important in thsi which is my daughter

But her father has talked to her about it....How else would he get the info that your children don't get along with their step dad.
It seems like you want your ex to go in all gums blazing and lay down the law to her, and if he doesn't then he is a lousy father.

From your posts it seems you like the more "authoritarian " father figure for your children. This only works with young children and when they become teens it stops working and they rebel(One of the ways girls can rebel is to start sexual relations)

Your ex seems to have opened up the communication channel with your daughter and surely you should be encouraging this , rather than putting him down at every opportunity.

fluffnutter

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

actually i have only been married once so get ur facts straight pls clearly u are only on this thread to cause trouble

Treevo's made the most pertinent and meaningful comments so far!

Honestly, you need to be a bit more receptive. You've come on an internet forum asking for advice from strangers about a sensitive subject. If you're going to get all up-in-your-face about the responses, then perhaps you shouldn't have posted in the first place.

Somebody shoot me, but if this is how you behave around your daughter I'm not surprised she's not coming to you for help.

bonjovibel_729

Treevo wrote: »

I don't believe you because no one who has ever had long, honest, frank conversations about sex and relationships needs to snoop and then confront their children with what they've found. It doesn't happen.

I really don't think your ex has missed the point, quite the reverse.

You snooped, flew off the handle and 'challenged' your daughter. Your ex, on the other hand, found out what had gone on, flew off the handle away from his daughter, waited to calm down, then talked to her, listened to her and then decided what to do.

He's reacted in a different way than you, a way that is a lot more mature and realistic. You seem to be more angry about him dealing with him better than you, than you are about your own failure to deal with this properly. Parenting isn't a competition, and if you continue to treat it like it is one - you'll lose.

actually i didnt snoop she let me use her tablet and the messages were on the front page....yes i have her facebook password but rarely use it.....i did not fly of the handle..i spoke to her in a calm way and asked her what hte messages were implying were what i thought they were implying had happened....i then spoke to her calmly and told her that i was disappoiinted she had not waited and that to give yourself to someone like that is special and shud not be wasted.....i told her she was grounded until i thought about what should happen and took her internet from her until her dad had talked to her this weekend as i was not sure how to deal with this....then this all kicked off about my oh and btw i cudnt care less if you believe it this is the truth about what has happened

Treevo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

actually i have only been married once so get ur facts straight pls clearly u are only on this thread to cause trouble

I'm trying to get the facts straight - in 2011 you were going through a very acrimonious divorce, which involved your husband giving away your children's belongings to apparently spite you.

Are you still married to this man? A man who treated you and your children like dirt?

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

hiya i split up with my husband last june and have been in the process of gettin divorced and recently my ex took me to court for more contact to my son....i have three children altogether...

we went to court on monday and i agreed to an extra three days a week as long as my son is cared for an happy then i am ok with that although obviously i will miss him a lot

i also went to court on tuesday with regards to financial matters re:the divorce...we jointly own a house which we bought in 2007 there is little or no equity in the property..due to me not working at the moment i would not have been able to afford to keep the house so i asked my solicitor to try and get my ex to sell it as i dont think he can afford it alone either..he is already in arrears with the mortgage...however when we went to court he argued that he should get to keep the house and the judge went in his favour he said i should stay on the mortgage for the next 5yrs at which point my ex will have to sell the house....obviously i am not happy with this as if he accrues anymore arrears i will still be liable and if house prices increase during the next five years i will also not be able to claim any of the equity as it is officially being signed over to him....i find this completely unfair...and am struggling to move on from this...

also when i was in the process of moving out my ex came back from his parents and changed the locks and refused me access to get the rest of my stuff....i thought i would be able to get it back through the divorce i did not have a chance to get any of the big stuff i wanted ie : kids beds and furniture ....when we went to court i made a list of hte things i wanted back but only asked for a few things ...think there was five things on the list i wanted back....my thinking was if i asked for everythin i would look greedy and i was tryin to be fair...however when the judge asked him where the things were he said he had given them away to charity and basically the judge said there wazs nothin he cud do.....even the kids toys were given away!!

thought that when i had been to court and got all this sorted i would feel a lot better that that chapter of my life was over....but i hate going past the house knowing that he still gets to live there...also seeing the car that we both used to own that he got to keep...now the fact that he gets to keep all the contents of the house....basically nothing has changed for him his life is the same as it was before we split up apart from the fact that he sees his son a little less however i have never stopped contact.....


sorry if i sound really bitter but am feeling really deflated by it all... am already on medication to try and help my anxiety but am still strugglin to accept what has happened.

Or was this another husband, which happened concurrently with the saint you're married to now?