help with 14 yr old daughter

splishsplash

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason... There is an age restriction on having sex, not on accessing contraception. You are not telling her it's ok to have sex, you're telling her you want to help her be safe and healthy if her choice is to continue having sex. Not getting her contraception will not be what stops her having sex.

i told her dad as he is her father and has a right to know what is going on with his daughter...if she came home pregnant and he finds out i knew she was having sex who d u think he will blame?? Did you have a conversation with her about this, and did you let her know you would be telling him? There are ways of handling things, and to talk to anyone else before discussing it with her is a breach in trust.

and maybe she does feel 'shouted at' as u put it but if she listened to what we tell her instead of just doin what she wants the whole house wud be a lot happier 'And how's that workin' for ya?'

I'm sorry you don't feel you're getting the answers you want to hear. Did your mum have any constructive advice for you, or did she just reinforce your anger against your ex and your conviction that his handling of the situation is wrong? Did it occur to you that at least your daughters seem to talk openly to your ex, so he's doing something right.

It's very difficult to be told what you're doing is wrong - you jumped on the defensive immediately here with total strangers. Imagine for a minute what your daughter's reaction was when you 'challenged' her - and you said you were angry.
If you want someone's behaviour to change, you must lay a lot of groundwork first, and it takes time, effort and patience.
The main thing for now is that your daughter should feel liked and welcomed in her home, and that there is potential for things to improve between the two of you. For that to happen you have to be willing to face the fact that you shouldn't have reacted the way you did. You really should say sorry to her for that.

AAAAA

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

thansk for this yes i am a bit desperate am dealing with a lot of other family problems at the moment and am slightly stressed to say the least....like i said will make an appt at the dr tomorrow for her and hopefully sort it out from there i only want her to be happy

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jayII

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

actually i didnt snoop she let me use her tablet and the messages were on the front page....yes i have her facebook password but rarely use it.....i did not fly of the handle..i spoke to her in a calm way and asked her what hte messages were implying were what i thought they were implying had happened....i then spoke to her calmly and told her that i was disappoiinted she had not waited and that to give yourself to someone like that is special and shud not be wasted.....i told her she was grounded until i thought about what should happen and took her internet from her until her dad had talked to her this weekend as i was not sure how to deal with this....then this all kicked off about my oh and btw i cudnt care less if you believe it this is the truth about what has happened

The bit I have bolded is so sad!! It's a reasonable thing to say before she has had sex, but by saying it now you have just told her that she is no longer special because she has lost her virginity. She is worth more than that!

By focusing on the sex, not the contraception/protecion, you are telling her that her physical wellbeing is not important to you.

Yes, it's important to tell them to wait, but it's more important to be realistic. Teenagers are drowning in hormones and few of them manage to resist temptation when they are with a boyfriend/girlfriend, so the most important thing of all is to ensure they protect themselves from diseases and pregnancy.

Remember, AIDS is for life, as is herpes and the problems caused by some other diseases! A teenage pregnancy will also change your daughter's life forever, probably not in a good way.

She can't change what she has done so berating her after the event will only damage her self-esteem even further. What you should have done was have a chat with her about how much you love and value her and want her to be safe. Then see if she needed the morning after pill and helped her make an appointment at the FP clinic to be checked for STI's and given appropriate contraception.

FBaby

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

ok i can see maybe i have been going down the wrong route like i said i was just using things that have worked in the past but as everyone i saying she is growing up and i need to treat her as such....think i will make her an appt at the dr tomorrow for her to talk to her and decide whether the pill is the right approach for her....

What you need to do is TALK to her first. Tell her that the news frightened you and you panic. Say that you are not happy about it, but accept you can't make her stop, however, you are still her mum and still need to do everything in your power to protect her. Ask her why she didn't protect herself, ask her if it is because she was scared to get some protection, or she wasn't bothered. Explain that it is natural for a couple to have sex together to discuss such things and that she shouldn't feel ashamed to bring it up with him. Ask her how she intends on proceeding, whether she would prefer to see her GP, alone or with you, or whether she would prefer to go to her school, or an anonymous sexual health clinic. Say that you are happy to drive her there and stay in the car if that is what she wants. Then tackle the issue at home. Definitely don't disregard these. My gut feeling is that her being sexual active is directly link to it, finding the comfort of closeness and love through sex that she doesn't get at home. Maybe not, but definitely worth investing time to be sure.

Treevo

I would encourage others to read the OP's previous threads to gain a more rounded view of what this young girl has been put through by her mother.

It's not the situation claimed in the OP - this is not a 14 year old who decided to have sex because she wanted to annoy her angelic step-father. The poor girl's been dragged through different homes and suffered/witnessed abuse by her step father after her mother's infidelity, and then been forced to witness her mother having a relationship with a man who openly took drugs in front of children. She's been groomed online, and then in person by a 17 year old. Even now her mother treats her as a manipulator rather than accept that she has been affected by her step father's behaviour, despite the OP herself describing his abusive behaviour previously.

mumps

It is hard being a teenager/mother/step parent. Try to calm down, she will be feeling bad and needs to know you still love her. I had a step father at her age and I think he needs to tone it down a bit, leaving your bag in the wrong place when you get in from school is not that big a deal, if it bothers you open the front door and throw it outside, let her know you are going to do it. She will soon get the message and it stops the moaning, shouting and arguing about it.

I am sure she will be fine, in ten years time you will probably have forgotten all about this and if someone reminds you it will all seem a bit of a storm in a teacup.

ValHaller

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

actually i didnt snoop she let me use her tablet and the messages were on the front page....yes i have her facebook password but rarely use it.....i did not fly of the handle..i spoke to her in a calm way and asked her what hte messages were implying were what i thought they were implying had happened....i then spoke to her calmly and told her that i was disappoiinted she had not waited and that to give yourself to someone like that is special and shud not be wasted.

Very good. I think that there is more than a fair chance that she actually let you use the tablet as a means of communicating with you what was going on. I think now you really need to tears rolling down your face say sorry to her for abusing what she was sharing.

But part of the art is knowing when to stop.

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i told her she was grounded until i thought about what should happen and took her internet from her until her dad had talked to her this weekend as i was not sure how to deal with this....then this all kicked off about my oh and btw i cudnt care less if you believe it this is the truth about what has happened

The poor girl must already feel quite insecure - the kids' toys being given away as we have found out will leave her feeling quite disrespected and very little sense of personal space.or control over anything much. Assuming she is not so daft that she did not realise you would read the other stuff on the tablet, she actually invited you into a space in her life which possibly could have been a precious moment at which some of the past could have been undone.

Telling her father (the man who took her toys?) without her permission will reinforce her feeling of lack of control of her personal space. Grounding her and taking away her gadgets is only going to compound matters. Trust me, she will be out of your house before her 16th birthday on a search for some space which is in her control, although she probably lacks the maturity to find it.

You need to back down really quickly to stop this going sour.

AAAAA

Treevo wrote: »

I would encourage others to read the OP's previous threads to gain a more rounded view of what this young girl has been put through by her mother.

It's not the situation claimed in the OP - this is not a 14 year old who decided to have sex because she wanted to annoy her angelic step-father. The poor girl's been dragged through different homes and suffered/witnessed abuse by her step father after her mother's infidelity, and then been forced to witness her mother having a relationship with a man who openly took drugs in front of children. She's been groomed online, and then in person by a 17 year old. Even now her mother treats her as a manipulator rather than accept that she has been affected by her step father's behaviour, despite the OP herself describing his abusive behaviour previously.

Exactly.

Just look at two of her previous threads."help!!13yr old daughter talking to strangers on internet" and "13 yr old daughter dating a 17yr old"

Tenyearstogo

This poor girl appears to be crying out for attention.

ValHaller

AAAAA wrote: »

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Afraid OP will delete stuff?

Looking at her previous threads, she does not appear to be one who goes off in a huff for not getting the answer she hopes for. In fact, respect to her for seeking input and for the most part not flinching when she is being told she is doing it wrong. She is trying hard in trying circumstances and I think she does have the integrity and strength to accept the unpalatable.