help with 14 yr old daughter

fluffnutter

You can't punish a teenager for having sex! Honestly that's totally the wrong approach. Take a deep breath and a step back and start talking to your daughter about sex, responsible sex.

I'd want to know a couple of things. How old is her boyfriend and did she feel pressured? The first might be easy to find out, the second not so.

You've got to step up as a parent basically. Your daughter needs you to talk to her, not punish her.

fluffnutter

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

she has just turned 14 and he will be 16 this yr

Once he's 16, he will be committing a crime.

cheepskate_2

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

that my husband shouts at her all the time which is not true and that my other daughter has collaborated her story that my husband is constantly on their backs...now while i agree my husband is quite strict he only nags at them to tidy up the mess they make to make my life easier

It looks like you have 2 different problems here:
1. the relationship between your husband and your daughters
2. your daughters sexual activity


Nagging/shouting may be the same for your daughters. I don't understand why your husband has to nag them to do things on your behalf......Its already setting him up to be the big bad person, which isn't good when it is a step parent. Why cant you ask them to do things?

Both the girls are saying that the relationship with your husband is not good.....You have to listen to their opinions as that is how they feel.

2. As for the sexual activity. I used to work a lot with teens, and if they are going to have sexual relationships there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it, they will always find a way. So your first concern is making sure she is safe.......Which probably means going on the pill, at least she is safe from pregnancy.

As for the punishments.....What will that do. It wont stop her, it will just make her better at hiding her activities and not talk to you about anything that she thinks she may get punished for. In this instance talking and a good relationship is what is needed.

Cherry_Bomb

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...surely the age restriction is there for a reason...

Her age is not a restriction to contraception. She can get it without you being informed and without your permission.

She's probably going to have sex again whether you like it or not so what's the alternative?

Your primary concern should be your daughter and unwanted pregnancies and STIs. Not worrying about what message encouraging contraception may send out to her.

bonjovibel_729

ValHaller wrote: »

Bluntly, your approach to this is wrong, in the sense that it is unlikely to be successful.

You are still trying to run things by punishment. Indeed, you are doing things which will make her unhappy and drive her into the arms of any lad who appears the least bit sympathetic, all the time telling her she should have more respect for herself.

Sexuality is basically adult and your daughter, while still a child needs to manage her own sexuality with adult thinking. While you are grounding and confiscating and punishing, you are treating her like an 8 year old and she is going to behave like an 8 year old with sexuality. Punishment is getting past its sell by date for her. You should have been managing a transition away from dealing with issues by punishment several years ago.
It is almost a given that your daughter will start to use her sexuality to defy you as her route towards adulthood if you do not change your outlook, catch up with the fact that she is becoming an adult and find more appropriate ways of developing her towards adulthood.

I feel sorry for the situation she finds herself in with the significant adults in her life

• Your husband seems to interact with her just to insist she is tidy (do they have any positive interactions)
• Your ex for being the macho idiot who wants to kill the lad, when it is not unreasonable to think that your daughter is probably a willing participant and perhaps the lad's parents have as much justification to want to kill your daughter
• You, who are several years behind the curve and have not equipped your daughter to manage her own sexuality

Yes, this post is a bit short on what you need to do. But I think that you are not going to make headway with this until you see that the things which seem to have worked to the present have probably brought about the current situation.

whilst i understand what u are saying ....i didnt realise there was a guide book on how to bring up teenage daughters if there is pls point me in the direction...i have never had to experience any of this before and am still learning yes i have probably done things wrong and there are things i cud have done better ....but the one underlying fact is i am trying to protect her from gedtting into a situation that she cannot get out of...

yes my husband and her usually get along fine...well when she is not in a mood (she is a teenager after all)

its all very well telling me what i have done wrong .....but i am hanging on by a thread here and some positive input on what to do next wud be appreciated thanks

fluffnutter

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i understand ur point but surely if i put her on any sort of contraception it is just sayin...well its ok to have sex at ur age if ya like...

And if you don't, it's like saying it's OK to get pregnant. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. If she's determined to have sex, then she needs to be doing so responsibly. It's preferable that she's not doing it at all at her age, but it's all a bit late for that now, isn't it?

Have you ever spoken to her about sex and relationships?

bonjovibel_729

Cherry_Bomb wrote: »

Her age is not a restriction to contraception. She can get it without you being informed and without your permission.

She's probably going to have sex again whether you like it or not so what's the alternative?

Your primary concern should be your daughter and unwanted pregnancies and STIs. Not worrying about what message encouraging contraception may send out to her.

but surely it is better to try and get her to refrain from seually activity rather than tellin her go ahead as long as ur protected??

System

fast forward to this weekend both my daughters have gone down there i had a call yesterday basically saying the reason why she has slept with this boy is that she is sooo unhppy at home

Load of bullsh!t. She had sex because she wanted to. Kids have got this knack of twisting things round so that they can blame someone else.

now i have been umming and ahhing about whther to tell her dad (we are seperated) and my husband persuaded me that he needed to know if we are to work together...so i bit the bullet and told my ex ....he hit the roof when i told him...was going to find the lad and basically kill him...and when she comes to his house this weekend she will have her laptop taken off her...after a few hrs he rang me back and told me he is not going to tell my daughter he knows and he is not going to do anything about it...

Looks like your daughter got lessons for shifting responsibility off her Dad. What a cop out! The bloke is full of hot air.

Cherry_Bomb

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

whilst i understand what u are saying ....i didnt realise there was a guide book on how to bring up teenage daughters if there is pls point me in the direction...i have never had to experience any of this before and am still learning yes i have probably done things wrong and there are things i cud have done better ....but the one underlying fact is i am trying to protect her from gedtting into a situation that she cannot get out of...

yes my husband and her usually get along fine...well when she is not in a mood (she is a teenager after all)

its all very well telling me what i have done wrong .....but i am hanging on by a thread here and some positive input on what to do next wud be appreciated thanks

You have been given input on what to do next. Just because you don't agree with it (contraception) doesn't mean it's wrong.

bonjovibel_729

fluffnutter wrote: »

And if you don't, it's like saying it's OK to get pregnant. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. If she's determined to have sex, then she needs to be doing so responsibly. It's preferable that she's not doing it at all at her age, but it's all a bit late for that now, isn't it?

Have you ever spoken to her about sex and relationships?

yes i have spoken to her at length about sex and relationships i have tried to encourage her to respect herself and to wait until she finds the right person