help with 14 yr old daughter

Bangton

I'm not the mother of a teenager but I sure as hell remember what it was to be one and how I constantly battled with my own mum (seems crazy now!)

The reality is, and this won't help you feel better in anyway BUT literally tons of girls/boys in my year started to have sex or engage in sexual activity at 14, 15 and 16yrs of age. Now I'm in my late 20s this seems outrageously young but it's the truth.

Although I love and respect my mum, talking sex has never been her strong point and so, the vast majority of my learning came from people at school. In not talking to my mum I was hearing it all from hormonal teenagers who were bragging and making sex out to be something it absolutely wasn't. That, plus the teenage need to be accepted by everyone else is not the best combination.

Fortunately I was at the age of consent when I lost my virginity but not through want of trying!!

My advice on the back of my own experiences would be to talk calmly with her and to explain why you don't agree with her having sex. At the end of the day though it may be a battle you won't win. How many teenagers listen to mum over their highly influential peers? So please discuss contraception too.

As for punishment...if I didn't come in on time, I was grounded or had my mobile phone taken off me. I think that's fair enough and will probably continue to do that when I do become a mum of a teenager! Like jellyhead I was made aware of the consequences of my actions BEFORE I made the decision to break the rules. I was also made aware why this bothered my mum and dad so much.

pipkin71

FatVonD wrote: »

Re 'snooping', I disagree with most on here, if the OP didn't 'snoop' she'd not have known about the grooming or the 17-year-old boy. We keep an eye on my DS's facebook page (no login) just to see what's going on. We've also been known to eavesdrop on his X-box conversations. I think though that, unless they are in real danger, whatever you find out you keep to yourself. I have however rearranged a visit to his dad's so he was out of town for a particular party where there was going to be soft drugs. Thankfully, since then, they have all dropped the boy that was bringing them.

I'm surprised at the reaction to checking up on her daughter, too.

I have a 14 year old and she is aware that I will check internet history, check up on what she is doing, if I feel it necessary to and she is fine with this as she knows the rules.

My eldest daughter is 16 and the same rules applied to her. It is slightly different now that she has turned 16 but, at 14, although the children are allowed some privacy, they are still children and need to be kept safe from the dangers that lurk out there, as well as from themselves at times.

That said, I also think talking to children about sex is the best thing any parent can do. Let children know you can have honest and open discussions about anything connected to sex. If children find it difficult communicationg verbally, there is always written communication.

I am fortunate that I have very open relationships with my children but it doesn't come easily.

In this instance, I would ask for the new facebook password - or no facebook whilst at home. I would also make an appointment at a family planning clinic rather than GP as it may be easier for your daughter to talk to someone she doesn't know - unless GP is not a regular doctor who has known your daughter for years.

If your daughter wishes to take birth control, I don't think it would be wise to say no. Also discuss condoms with her and how to make sure they are used correctly. She has already had sex, so now her sexual health is important here.

No matter what has gone on, and why, looking to the past will not help your daughter. You both need to look at what you can do in the present and in the future to build up your relationship again.

consultant31

AAAAA wrote: »

Great parenting.:T:T:T:T

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:It's NOT a surprise her daughter does all this stuff.

Why are you bothering to post when you have nothing useful to say at all - just snidey comments on a subject you apparently know nothing about.....and I wonder how you'd manage if all the smilies were unavailable!

pipkin71

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

In the States you get parents who actually home-school their kids because they don't want them exposed to or emulating the 'morals' typical of high-school teenagers.

Happens here too and when you see the way some teenagers behave, is that such a bad thing?

jellyhead

pipkin71 wrote: »

Happens here too and when you see the way some teenagers behave, is that such a bad thing?

It's only the really awful behaviour of teenagers that gets noticed though Most teenagers are hard working and law abiding. I decided not to home-school mine in the end (I thought about it in year 8) but he's grown into a hardworking lad despite some of his friends being NEETS.

pipkin71

jellyhead wrote: »

It's only the really awful behaviour of teenagers that gets noticed though Most teenagers are hard working and law abiding. I decided not to home-school mine in the end (I thought about it in year 8) but he's grown into a hardworking lad despite some of his friends being NEETS.

Loads of teenagers are fantastic, some not so but it does happen that some parents in this country choose to home ed as they don't want their children going to schools where children are disruptive, where their children will not get a decent education because of the way other children behave.

I don't see anything wrong in that as we all do what we think is the best for our children and whilst most children are law abiding and hard working it only takes a couple to disrupt a whole class.

Person_one

pipkin71 wrote: »

Loads of teenagers are fantastic, some not so but it does happen that some parents in this country choose to home ed as they don't want their children going to schools where children are disruptive, where their children will not get a decent education because of the way other children behave.

I don't see anything wrong in that as we all do what we think is the best for our children and whilst most children are law abiding and hard working it only takes a couple to disrupt a whole class.

I think your signature gives away that you are not entirely free of bias on this subject.

thorsoak

OK - so I am a 60syear old grandmother - nevertheless, I grew up in the "swinging 60s" - and this is the attitude that I would take ....that I would have taken with my DD had my "lectures" when she was confined in the car with me (the best place imo to have such lectures!) - not gone home.

1. I would apologise for over-reacting ......I hadn't expected her to start her sexual life at such an early age, etc etc etc.

2. Nevertheless, even though IT IS ILLEGAL, I appreciate that whatever has been done, has been done.

3. The important thing now is that she accepts responsibility for her own life - and any life that she may now start - and must take responsibility for her own sexual health and must go asap to the local family planning/teenage sexual clinic.

Today, the loss of virginity sadly seems just something to get over pdq - it doesn't even have that "romantic" tinge of ignoring contraception because it is a "beautiful/romantic occasion of lurve" - now it seems to be more of "wham, bham, thank you ma'am" action!!

pipkin71

Person_one wrote: »

I think your signature gives away that you are not entirely free of bias on this subject.

It's not the reason I chose to home ed

My girls have friends who are both home and school educated and all of their friends are great. Plus, school, for many kids, is great and they receive a fantastic education. On the flip side, for some parents home ed doesn't work, so I'm not totally biased. That said though, home ed has been a fantastic experience for us so maybe, sometimes, a bit of bias shines through :)

thorsoak

There is absolutely no point, in this case, in pontificating about the pros and cons of home education - here the mother is faced with a daughter, aged 14, who is sexually active. The daughter, when faced with what has happened, has used the easiest excuse possible "it's because of home circumstances". Whether or not this is correct, the situation is that this is a 14 year old girl, who has been sexually active with her nearly 16 year old boyfriend - and has been sexually active without having taken responsibility for her own sexual health.

The prime objective is to ensure that she goes/is taken to a teenage sexual health centre where she can receive the after sex contraception. She then needs to receive counselling on her own sexual life - that it is in her hands - not the hands of her parents/boyfriend, and that she - and she alone - can decide whether or not to remain sexually active. It has been pointed out to her - and will continue to be pointed out to her - that her actions are illegal, that her sexual partner could be prosecuted - but she is growing up and has to take responsibility for her own actions.

Scary - but true