Update on my DD

luxor4t

I don't want to read and run, so am sending a dodgy hug :grouphug:


If your DD was placed in care, I think her medical conditions would become clear quite quickly to SS.

The fosterparents would have been specially selected/trained etc so their experiences would be seen as 'factual' - bypassing the mindset that somehow DD's family setting was causing her behaviour.

Treevo

She tried to kill you. How long before she succeeds? Or before she kills her sister?

Op, you need to protect yourself and your younger child. You need to get her the help she needs, and sadly, I don't think that will be available to her while she's living with you. She needs specialised care. Social Services can provide that, but only if you're willing to ask for that help. You're not a failure for putting your daughter in care - you didn't ask for, or cause the situation to happen, but you must act before yourself or your OH or youngest are seriously hurt.

FBaby

Poor you, how horrible it must be to be attacked by the person you love unconditionally. Absolutely devastating to be in the position to be scared of your own child.

I think we were doing absolutely the right thing to take the phone away, totally appropriate disciplining method. The issue is that she clearly seems to refuse to be told (normal), but then lose control of her anger leading to violence.

Did she apologise afterwards? Is she ever apologetic, or is she oblivious to what she has done? If she is oblivious, it is worrying in that it means she doesn't have the notion of apathy. If she does apologise, she clearly understand once she calms down the damage her losing her temper causes, but then it probably feels her with horrible shame and feeling of loss of control which could spiral into depression.

Take all the help you can take from the professional and do trust their judgement, but do push politely so they don't dismiss you and your family. Your daughter clearly needs help.

PS: I have met a couple of parents who struggle with that kind of behaviour from their kids, but it got a lot better as they got older, purely by learning what triggers their anger, avoiding them as much as possible, and learning techniques to vent their anger in a healthy manner. Don't despair for her future.

Ladyhawk

Shall we assume you meant empathy rather than apathy? It would do most teenagers a lot of good to lose the apathy and increase the empathy! (Sorry for being a smart@rse)

Lilith1980

harrys_nan wrote: »

sending you some (((hugs)))
I think that the time has come that she has to go into foster care, it's unfair on your youngest daughter to be so scared that she wets her pants, it's also very unfair on you and your husband to live with this time bomb.

Sometimes you must put the needs of your family before hers, it wont mean you dont love her, but your little one has needs to. x

I agree with this...I really hope that SS and CAMHS give you the support you need with your daughter and can find out what is going on for her.

But in the meantime, foster care seems like the safest option for all concerned. It's not fair on you, DH or your younger DD. It might also give your daughter some time to calm down if she is in a different environment? Although I have not come across Oppositional Defiant Disorder before so I am not sure what that means in terms of how sufferers react to being in other environments.

((Huge hugs)) I can only begin to imagine how frightening this situation is for you all, I hope you get the support you need.

cheepskate_2

O.p, what has been the catalyst for all this behavior this time.

It was only at the end of last year , how you were saying she has been so much calmer, how you would love to adopt/have another child and talking in sweet terms about joys of having to deal with your children.

What has changed within your household to make her go like this when things had to be good for you to be saying the above.

I know it doesn't solve the problems at the moment, but maybe having a daily diary noting what is said /done (even when the going is good) and you may find a common denominator to why she flips.

Lagoon

dktreesea wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Some kids are 13 going on 90. You can't tell them anything.

If you are trying to control her behaviour, by doing things like taking her phone off her because you don't like her having opinions about things, including what's going on in her family, that's a step too far, imho. I warn you in advance, SS are maybe going to support her instead of you. She's entitled to her opinion. They could well see your control freaking as being detrimental to both your children. You want support, I do understand, but they will think that the "poor kid" has a mother who can't even tolerate her having an opinion about the family on facebook because it's not lovely and sugar coated like it should be. They could see you as someone who has such high ideals that a 13 year old - any 13 year old - would have trouble living up to them.

My first thought on reading your post was "Oh wow! What kind of mother takes a phone off a 13 year old just because the 13 year old has an opinion about the mother's partner?!" But then, I am not walking in your shoes. Why did you let her do all that to you? Why didn't you fight back?

I have to say that I agree with this, to some extent. I know everyone else has the opposite opinion, and I'm new to the forum so don't know the backstory, but this certainly doesn't seem like a one-sided experience.

The OP and her family are living in fear of the girl's violent temper, but her point of view should also be considered.

From what I'm reading, this DD is 'suspected' to be bipolar by her mother. No doubt she's aware of that. It can't be easy for a teenager girl to hear (as it will come across to her) that her mother thinks she's crazy. Her mum might not have said that out loud, but the girl will be aware of it. She might start believing it herself, and acting up as a self-fulfilling prophecy. She'll be analysing her own behaviour, and scared that she's showing signs of being crazy.

She's then punished for being a teenager and expressing her emotion online, which she understandably reacts to, and if she's heard suggestions that she goes into care then not only will she feel like she's going crazy - she'll also feel that she's being rejected and that she doesn't have the unconditional love of her family.

It's a complicated situation, but I think the user I quoted is seeing a perfectly valid side. There's a girl who's probably feeling scared, confused and alone, and whilst her family are suffering, she is too.

Dunroamin

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Hi Dunroamin, so sorry to hear your post. That must have been awful for you and you must be emotionally torn to pieces now.x

Wrong poster - my problem teenager is thankfully now 28!

**professor~yaffle**

How would Darlyd go about getting the daughter placed into care, if she decided that's what was needed? Would she need the support of social services? What if they just fobbed her off?

I am no expert on kids' behaviour so it's not worth my putting whether or not I think the girl is mentally ill or just outrageously badly behaved, but something has to change. The situation can't go on like this.

DKLS

What a horrific situation, my only suggestion for the safety of the other children and the family is to remove the daughter into the care of the SS. It sounds she like she needs professional clinical support which with the best will in the world the parents aren't in the best place to deliver.