Surname?!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

V. brief (sorry!)

I have 2 DD's - who have seperate fathers (Ex and current OH). Both DD's have my surname.

DD1 has no contact with her father and hasnt for a number of years now. He has excluded her from his family, he has no interest in her. Only time he rears his head is to annoy me about how well he is doing at work etc He got married, didnt tell DD. He has had children (Hasnt told me whether they are boys or girls so cant tell DD1) - so really doesnt want DD involved.

There was discussion about surnames the other day - OH wants us ALL to have his. Ex will not allow DD1 to change her name (Won't give me a reason why, just says "no" and thats that!) - DD1 wants to change her name but isnt old enough to deed poll it.

Is there anything we can do? I dont want DD1 to be "known as" - because she would (legally) still have my surname.

peachyprice

If he's so concerned about you all having the same name why doesn't he just take your surname? It seems a bit pig-headed of him to expect all three of you to have to change to his surname when it would be far simpler for him to change to yours.

RAS

I do not think there is anything you can do unless ex agrees.

I have to say that in my job I encounter an awful lot of people whose mothers have changed their names unofficially and it causes then all manner of problems. They find it hard to prove educational achievements because they are in the wrong name, to prove identity because they have never officially held the name in which they are known or were known (and a lot of jobs and voluntary opportubnities require CRB checks).

And it is as embaressing as hell to have to explain all this to someone who you want to give you a chance to work or qualify to do a job.

System

Are you married to your OH? I am just wondering if it might be easier for you all to have the same surname if you were?

quinechinoise

Well, tbh, perhaps it's not really something to stress over.

You know, those little girls are probably going to grow up and get married and adopt their husbands' surnames...? It's not like either dad is going to "pass on" his surname to his heir. Neither of them will "own" her surname forever... Perhaps neither of them really want to think about that. Dads can be funny about daughters! In the long run, it won't matter what surname she has as a child.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Peachy - If we got married (we arent!) but if we was, then I would be expected to change my name so its just a similar way of thinking.

RAS - This is why i wanted to do it legally rather than "known as"

Quinechinoise - I know it wont matter when she is older as, like you say, she will probably get a new one anyway. But for now, this is something that may seem trivial, but is important to us.

If OH was to adopt DD1 then AFAIK we could change the surname - but again, ex would need to agree to it but wont.

I could understand if ex was having contact with DD1, or if DD1 had his surname..... I just see it as him being a pain in the behind

peachyprice

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Peachy - If we got married (we arent!) but if we was, then I would be expected to change my name so its just a similar way of thinking.

It may be 'expected' but you don't have to, there's no reason why a couple can't use the wife's name when they marry, only male pride;)

Even if you were to marry you could double barrel just yours and his and they children would still have part of your new surname.

It just seems like trying to change the children to his name is going to cause alot of unnecessary stress when there's sucha simple solution.

Mojisola

peachyprice wrote: »

If he's so concerned about you all having the same name why doesn't he just take your surname? It seems a bit pig-headed of him to expect all three of you to have to change to his surname when it would be far simpler for him to change to yours.

This has got to be the easiest way to all get the same surname.

If he won't do this, carry on as you are. It would say to me that he doesn't want you all to have the same surname - he wants to show his "ownership" of you all.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

peachyprice wrote: »

It may be 'expected' but you don't have to, there's no reason why a couple can't use the wife's name when they marry, only male pride;)

Even if you were to marry you could double barrel just yours and his and they children would still have part of your new surname.

It just seems like trying to change the children to his name is going to cause alot of unnecessary stress when there's sucha simple solution.

His is already double barrelled...... :rotfl:

I can see your point about it probably being easier but then, like you say - it's expected, it's male pride and its bloody annoying

Mojisola - It's not ownership at all. It's something we all want (Ok, DD2 doesnt have much of a say as she can't talk yet...... lol)

mummybearx

Check out this - http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/your_family/family/change_of_name.htm

Think the big question is were you and the Ex married?

Mojisola

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I can see your point about it probably being easier but then, like you say - it's expected, it's male pride and its bloody annoying

Mojisola - It's not ownership at all. It's something we all want (Ok, DD2 doesnt have much of a say as she can't talk yet...... lol)

That looks a bit contradictory to me.

If you all want a common surname, the only way that can happen (because of the objections from DD1's father) is for him to take yours.