I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

poltergeist

I need some help to get a perspective on what is happening.

I met my OH when we were 15, I am 53 now.

A normal happy, fun relationship, lots of intimacy, just the usual bringing up the kids, nothing unusual, best friends, great.

A few years ago I had a run of bad luck, lost my job, some people died, became ill, life was full of bad luck cards.

I took it all out on my OH, I was narky, mean spirited, sulky, moaning, not pleasant to live with obviously.

This went on for two years, my OH was always supportive, understanding, patient, caring, loving, we had lots of intimacy, until my OH one day sat me down and told me how unhappy he was, fed up with the way I bulked at life's difficulties and he could take no more.

That was such a wake up call, there was no way I wanted to loose him, we loved each other, we wanted to go on but had lost our way. I took full blame, I was so so sorry.

I apologized, I listened and understood, tood heed to everything he said, changed my outlook, I really did work on myself and my terrible cynical view of how bad life can be.

We talked and he said he wasn't leaving, he wasn't depressed, didn't have any work issues, financial problems etc just was fed up with the roller coaster ride of emotions, moods and wanted calm and just a relationship.

I wrote him a letter to express my hearfelt apologies, there was no way I set out to hurt him, he read it and smiled, he knows I never did any of this on purpose, that does not excuse it at all.

I just fell into a negative vat.

Now some time later, he comes back from work straight away, is with us at weekends, we go out if I instigate it, we talk, we have the odd laugh. THat is it, it's cold in this house, no connection, he turns on his side in bed, kisses me hello if he is reminded (jokingly) sits in his armchair, that's about it.

I buy him the odd silly present to try to bring a smile to his face, I booked him his fav band as a surprise, I have organized some great fun for his birthday next month.

I ask if he is happy he says yes

Do I repulse him now? Is this my punishment? Maybe he is wary of me? Maybe he doesn't believe I can change and be better?

We are going out this evening, I keep trying to get us doing things, we can't just fester here, we have to have somethings to look forward to, to get it back on track.

I know I was awful, I know it takes time and patience and understanding and maybe I deserve no less but as a joke once I said to him he had to give me a crumb to work with, he just smiled.

I don't even think it is us playing games, that we are not behaving like wounded adults, it's just how to get past this?

How can I make it better? How can I turn this around? How long do I work towards a connection? He could have left, he said he never wanted to, he loves me , I am happy about that and grateful?

Is that it, should I just be grateful for what I have?

justjohn

poltergeist wrote: »

Is that it, should I just be grateful for what I have?

That all depends on what you want?

Sounds like you have lost something in relationship.....Find it and get it back.

Put the fun back into it. It will need work on both sides.

poltergeist

justjohn wrote: »

That all depends on what you want?

Sounds like you have lost something in relationship.....Find it and get it back.

Put the fun back into it. It will need work on both sides.

I want us back. I don't know how to find it? I do keep trying to take him out to fun things, I am bidding on ebay for a comedian at the moment, he does come with me so I should be happy about that.

poltergeist

He doesn't text or ring in his lunch hour when he is at work anymore, if I text him or ring him he laughs and jokes and is happy to get the call but from his end it has all gone cold and stopped.

Kayalana99

I always find when your stuck in a 'rut' that going back to the good old days tends to help...rekindle what made you fall in love.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

'Darling, why has it all gone cold and stopped?'

I don't think keeping taking him out for fun nights is going to work.

You need to sit down with him and ask the question above. Apologise for being a twonk, and behaving badly but only apoligise once more. You might have been crabby but you haven't gone out, had affairs, run up gambling debts or starting drinking. You were crabby for a fair while. It happens. He needs to either get over it, tell you what's up or call it a day.

poltergeist

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I always find when your stuck in a 'rut' that going back to the good old days tends to help...rekindle what made you fall in love.

What was that? We seemed to have lost anything good

poltergeist

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

'Darling, why has it all gone cold and stopped?'

I don't think keeping taking him out for fun nights is going to work.

You need to sit down with him and ask the question above. Apologise for being a twonk, and behaving badly but only apoligise once more. You might have been crabby but you haven't gone out, had affairs, run up gambling debts or starting drinking. You were crabby for a fair while. It happens. He needs to either get over it or call it a day.

We have sat and talked, I have so apoligised, I know I was awful, no affairs no, no debt whatsoever no, no drinking no but neither has he.

I am obviously to blame for him being so cold and unhappy.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

poltergeist wrote: »

We have sat and talked, I have so apoligised, I know I was awful, no affairs no, no debt whatsoever no, no drinking no but neither has he.

I am obviously to blame for him being so cold and unhappy.

Yes - and you need to tell him to either get over it, tell you what's wrong or call it a day. Doing this for several more years is not going to do you any good whatsoever.

poltergeist

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Yes - and you need to tell him to either get over it, tell you what's wrong or call it a day. Doing this for several more years is not going to do you any good whatsoever.

I don't want to give him an ultimatum, I don't want him to go and him being here still would give an indication that he doesn't want that either but living like this is hard, walking on egg shells, I want him to realise or to give me the chance to know Ihave changed and would never do that to him again, maybe that's it he doesn't trust what I say?

justjohn

poltergeist wrote: »

.

I am obviously to blame for him being so cold and unhappy.

if he has not said that , the don't jump to conclusions.

sometimes people just settle into certain ways of living together. fine if thats how they want too live.

sometimes the simplest of things can make a relationship more happy or special.

like feeding the ducks at a pond together....lol