I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

pigpen

He was brave enough and strong enough and loved you enough to sit you down and talk to you about how he felt and now it looks like it is your time to do the same.. it is pointless saying any of this to us.. go talk to him he is obviously not a horrid person or he would have left already!

poltergeist

meer53 wrote: »

Sounds to me like he loves you but isn't in love with you any more. Cliche, but true in so many long term relationships. It becomes more of a friendship than a marriage. If you can't live with this then the only thing to do is get out.

I also agree that you sound to be trying too hard, maybe ease off a little and see what happens ?

I don't want to be just his friends, I have plenty of those

poltergeist

justjohn wrote: »

Start with the basics, get the feelings and thoughts back that you had when your relationship first started. Don't expect to turn back time in a day, your relationship was not built in a day and has not deteriorated in a day either. Intimacy/togetherness will have grown stronger over time then dwindled. Build it up again slowly just like you did at the start. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. take it slowly at a pace you are both happy with.

That is what I have been trying to do, failing to do, keep on doing, he knows how I feel, I can't keep asking for chats, coming across all needy and emotionally scatty, I don't want him to feel that he has to keep chatting on and on about emotions and where do we stand etc etc, we have done that but I thought we would have progressed, no one is rowing or shouting or having affairs or giving in, maybe I just want it to move up a level? For hope?

poltergeist

pigpen wrote: »

He was brave enough and strong enough and loved you enough to sit you down and talk to you about how he felt and now it looks like it is your time to do the same.. it is pointless saying any of this to us.. go talk to him he is obviously not a horrid person or he would have left already!

It is not pointless saying any of this to any of you, that is the whole point of opening up here, I need help, I need encouragement, I need hope, I need advise, I am asking for help.

I have talked to him, he is not a horrid person, he stood by me through everything and I am more than ashamed and sorry for all that I put him through, I am pleased he spoke to me, from that moment on it all stopped, it should have never happened in the first place, I know I am in the wrong, I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

I am not always entirely a horrid person either.

Bennifred

Patience! This too shall pass........

southcoastrgi

I've gotta say I agree with meer, from reading all your replies i think he loves you but isn't in love with you, & if that is the case no amount of comedy clubs or sexy underwear is going to change that, everyone gets into a rut & you two have been together for alot of years, you want to get back what you had & he doesn't want to change the status quo, you are used to each other but it sounds like for him the spark isn't there anymore, now whether it was your moods or just something that was always going to happen no one knows, will speaking to a counciller help ? maybe, but speaking from experience (as a male in your postion) once someone isn't in love with you there isn't anything you can do & the more you try the more they resent you.

Sorry if this seems harsh but i won't lie to you & i really hope you both manage to sort it out

poltergeist

southcoastrgi wrote: »

I've gotta say I agree with meer, from reading all your replies i think he loves you but isn't in love with you, & if that is the case no amount of comedy clubs or sexy underwear is going to change that, everyone gets into a rut & you two have been together for alot of years, you want to get back what you had & he doesn't want to change the status quo, you are used to each other but it sounds like for him the spark isn't there anymore, now whether it was your moods or just something that was always going to happen no one knows, will speaking to a counciller help ? maybe, but speaking from experience (as a male in your postion) once someone isn't in love with you there isn't anything you can do & the more you try the more they resent you.

Sorry if this seems harsh but i won't lie to you & i really hope you both manage to sort it out

It is harsh, that is what I am saying if I could see there was hope starting from the ground up as others have said, patience, slowly, give it lots of time, don't harrang or harrase him, just wait like others have said, he is clearly not going anywhere and I am most certainly not so work on it step by step I see all that and do all that and will be here for all of that but I question not that, I question is there any sign of life here?

nfollows1982

I’m a little surprised by the responses that you are all giving on this thread, so I am going to throw my slightly different one into the mix……

What you’re basically saying is that the man you have given the best part of 40 years to has turned you into this cowarding, apologetic version of you simply because you had the nerve to be difficult to live with after having a seriously crappy couple of years?

And yet you are on here asking everyone what YOU can do to make it better?

Just about every reply you have posted makes a reference to how sorry you are and what a truly terrible person you must have been to make this poor man’s life hell.

Seriously woman, get a grip!

Can’t remember if you said you are married but even if not, surely after all these years, for better or worse should stand in this instance.

He sounds like a petulant child who is sulking because you dared to be difficult to live with and he didn’t have this simple life – sorry but life has plenty of downs that we all have to live with from time to time – so what if you were a complete monster – it’s called the real world.

IMHO. Stop apologising to him. Stop showering him with trips, presents and surprises because quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve it.

Tell the man to grow a pair of balls, get over himself, and start acting like a complete and utter prat.

poltergeist

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I’m a little surprised by the responses that you are all giving on this thread, so I am going to throw my slightly different one into the mix……

What you’re basically saying is that the man you have given the best part of 40 years to has turned you into this cowarding, apologetic version of you simply because you had the nerve to be difficult to live with after having a seriously crappy couple of years?

And yet you are on here asking everyone what YOU can do to make it better?

Just about every reply you have posted makes a reference to how sorry you are and what a truly terrible person you must have been to make this poor man’s life hell.

Seriously woman, get a grip!

Can’t remember if you said you are married but even if not, surely after all these years, for better or worse should stand in this instance.

He sounds like a petulant child who is sulking because you dared to be difficult to live with and he didn’t have this simple life – sorry but life has plenty of downs that we all have to live with from time to time – so what if you were a complete monster – it’s called the real world.

IMHO. Stop apologising to him. Stop showering him with trips, presents and surprises because quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve it.

Tell the man to grow a pair of balls, get over himself, and start acting like a complete and utter prat.

He could be sulking I won't contest that but also his emotions are valid, respected and not in dispute. I am sure he is angry, resentful, revengefull even? I am sure he is unhappy, fed up and been given a terrible few years which he never asked for, expected or is to blame in any way for. He put up with them, he showed loved, care, consideration, understanding, support, now he does not have so many positive emotions, I have turned them into negatives. He is battered down, I caused that.

Yes we are married.

He never deserved the monster, trying to make it up to him is the least he deserves.

Bella73

My tuppence worth is...stop trying so hard.

I'm guessing he's about the same age so the sex thing could well be that he is actually suffering from erectile dysfunction and it is easier to blame your previous behaviour rather than admit the issue.

But only he can come to terms with that.

But I really do think you need to step back and stop apologising. I am wondering why you are now walking on egg shells? Ok by your admission you were a bit if a nightmare to live with, hey ho it happens so guessing you are not any longer now that you recognise the behaviour which caused the problem so why are you still constantly apologising I just don't understand. You've apologised that bit is over with now.

Stop stressing about it all and it might get better just by being more pleasant to live with but it will take time, it took time to fall apart so give it time to build things again.

Hope you are able to work things out.