I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

FBaby

I've already said that but my experience is that some men, especially those sensitive ones, are far more linking sex with their emotions than we give them credit for. Some men do operate very similarly to us girls, when they are not right in the mind, they are not right below. It has nothing to do with attraction or closeness, just that the stress of the confusion is turning them off. The good thing is, once the mind clears up, it doesn't take long for the rest to work.

As you've said, there isn't much you can do but to be patient, give him the space to clear his head, and just show him that you are unlikely to go loopy again. On this matter, do you know what triggered it in the first place? You said you went through difficult times, but although that would be a trigger, it is not a justification. Have you thought of this and how you can assure him that even if faced with another trigger, you wouldn't react the same?

When you get anxious at the way your husband is, take comfort in the fact that he is still with you when he could have left on many occasions. He hasn't and that's much stronger commitment to your marriage than sex.

pukkamum

Mydh and I have recently gone through a bit of a stagnant stage in our relationship, not because of anything either of us did but just the pressures of having 3 lo's and dh working long hours.
We had a day out last week just us two and we spent the whole day reminiscing about when we met, it was wonderful we both said how it brought back all the original feelings we had. Not that we don't love each other now but it's different these days. Dh said he started seeing me as the girl he met again not just his wife or the kids mum.

I would ease off on trying to get the physical side of your relationship back and concentrate on the emotional side, remind him that you are still the girl he fell in love with. I think sometimes when you live with someone who is going through a hard time as you did it becomes all consuming and you get so used to the other person being miserable it, s hard to snap back into happy mode and forget how awful that person was at the time.

poltergeist

FBaby wrote: »

I've already said that but my experience is that some men, especially those sensitive ones, are far more linking sex with their emotions than we give them credit for. Some men do operate very similarly to us girls, when they are not right in the mind, they are not right below. It has nothing to do with attraction or closeness, just that the stress of the confusion is turning them off. The good thing is, once the mind clears up, it doesn't take long for the rest to work.

As you've said, there isn't much you can do but to be patient, give him the space to clear his head, and just show him that you are unlikely to go loopy again. On this matter, do you know what triggered it in the first place? You said you went through difficult times, but although that would be a trigger, it is not a justification. Have you thought of this and how you can assure him that even if faced with another trigger, you wouldn't react the same?

When you get anxious at the way your husband is, take comfort in the fact that he is still with you when he could have left on many occasions. He hasn't and that's much stronger commitment to your marriage than sex.

Thank you. Yes I know what triggered it in the first place, both my parents died within months of each other, were not ill, a massive shock, never have experienced anything like it and as OH says will never have to go through anything like that again.

He has gone out for the day and I am waiting for one of my friends to come by in her car and am going out also.

poltergeist

pukkamum wrote: »

Mydh and I have recently gone through a bit of a stagnant stage in our relationship, not because of anything either of us did but just the pressures of having 3 lo's and dh working long hours.
We had a day out last week just us two and we spent the whole day reminiscing about when we met, it was wonderful we both said how it brought back all the original feelings we had. Not that we don't love each other now but it's different these days. Dh said he started seeing me as the girl he met again not just his wife or the kids mum.

I would ease off on trying to get the physical side of your relationship back and concentrate on the emotional side, remind him that you are still the girl he fell in love with. I think sometimes when you live with someone who is going through a hard time as you did it becomes all consuming and you get so used to the other person being miserable it, s hard to snap back into happy mode and forget how awful that person was at the time.

I miss more the touch than the sex although I miss that too. The closeness.
I am glad you two are back on track now.

barbiedoll

poltergeist wrote: »

Thank you. Yes I know what triggered it in the first place, both my parents died within months of each other, were not ill, a massive shock, never have experienced anything like it and as OH says will never have to go through anything like that again.

This must have been a dreadful time for you, and as you stated in your OP, you also lost your job, you mentioned illness (you?) and it's hardly surprising that your moods were affected and that you took it out on your husband. I can understand that he felt disillusioned and depressed when having to act as your emotional battering ram but what else did he expect? Any couples who live together should expect this, if I have a bad day at work, my husband gets the brunt of it, and if I go on too much, he'll tell me to give it a rest. Losing your parents suddenly and unexpectedly would have been a massive shock to you, it's lovely that your husband was supportive and tolerated your "bad" behaviour but after 40 years together, you shouldn't expect any less, you'd have done the same for him, I'm sure.

He's well within his rights to tell you how it made him feel but he's shifted the blame for all of this onto you and none of the things that happened were your fault. If you'd hit the bottle, run off to have an affair with a toyboy or spent your shared life savings on shoes and handbags then that's different. But you reacted badly to severe, life-changing events and that was surely inevitable. He's got no right to blame you for his feelings, even if they were caused by your reaction to the tragic events. That's unjust in my opinion.

You need to sit him down and tell him that you know that he knows you're sorry but you've managed to get a grip and you're now moving forwards. You want him to move with you but if he can't or won't, now is the time to speak up. Stop with all the treats for him, you're treating him like a spoiled child, if he wants to see a comedian or to go on holiday, I'm sure he'll let you know. And don't spend so much time brooding on this, let him sulk if he wants to, if he doesn't get the reaction he wants, he will probably stop. I wish you luck, you have both been through so much, it would be a shame to lose your marriage over this.

Lexxi

Stop trying to buy his love back with tickets and outings, it's the same as the new underwear, except you find it more acceptable. What happens when things get back on track, will it be because you have two outings a week/month/whatever, will you have to keep it up forever in case things go bad again?
Holidays probably are taking your problems with you but you don't have the same stresses of washing up and being in a routine of work and everything day to day so can relax and reconnect a bit more. Maybe even take a few days off together and do something at home.
If he has carried the relationship for so long while you fell apart it's possible he is exhausted and is waiting to see if this happy you is just a phase or he could be hurt that you behaved that way when he didn't think you were even capable?
My marriage became distant, as you've described, I hated him having his back to me in bed, I used to hold his hand while he was asleep as it was the only contact I got, when that became too depressing I slept downstairs as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed and be so rejected, not even a 'night' from him. Which made it worse.
I guess if you're still communicating and both trying then it's something, it might just take time. I don't think you've said how long since your husband sat you down and told you how your behaviour needed to improve, or I must have missed it if you did.

tesuhoha

I think a bit of healthy neglect on your part would go down very well here.

Trying being out a few times when he comes home. No dinner left, no note, phone switched off and no explanation when you arrive home. Go to the cinema or something. If he asks where you have been say very vaguely 'out'. At the same time be cheerful and pleasant but self contained and a bit distant.

This should get his interest and you can keep it up by being nice but not a pushover. Don't always question him about his feelings. Men don't like this. Its better to go quiet on him and this is more likely to prompt a response. I know you say you don't like to play games but your honesty may be pushing him away. Sometimes its better to hold back and not let him know what you are thinking.

Lotus-eater

I'd steer clear of the "don't care" options tbh and go more for the "want to be close" ones.
A touch, a stroke, a "I love you, but I don't want the kids to see" squeeze, seems a better way of doing it. Try a snog out of the kids view.

I know you've been knocked back, but he is hurting too, it's going to take alot for him to come back to you.
I know there are people on here that think men have no feelings, but (obviously) it's not true. We are just as delicate as women in some respects.

justjohn

poltergeist wrote: »

Such a shame, such a waste of the good times, a marriage if this cannot be turned around.

Sounds like he feels bitter, hurt and betrayed by your treatment over a short period. That's what is continuously sticking in his head. When you ask for sex or show tenderness it probably reminds him of the hurt as well as the loving moments.

He needs reminded that's was not the real you. If you rekindle all the good memories/times these feelings will go away eventually.

Just keep being you with no hopes or assumptions and it will fall into place. (your other half may feel pressured, if you take things too fast)

anyway I won't post again and good luck

FBaby

It is interesting how this thread shows that different people react differently and want different things in similar situation. It is about learning what ticks the one we love and respond to their needs rather then what we think they need.

I know my partner would want to be left alone, but without me sulking. Being myself, but without expecting a response immediately. Not easy to do at all, but he has shown me so far that however cold he gets, he is always committed to our relationship and when he is ready, it's as if that time never existed.

If I were to try harder than what would be natural for me, he wouldn't like that. If I ignored him completely, or tried to make him jealous, that would have the completely opposite effect to what I would want to achieve.

You know your man best OP, so act in accordance rather than what we individual think would work best with our partner.